Unfathomable

25.

Madara:

During spring, Hashi video-phoned me every evening. In the beginning, I didn't answer, but we always ended up texting a little. He asked me if I wanted him to stop phoning. I asked him why he kept phoning even if I never answered. He said it was because he wanted to, he wanted to show me he cared and that he wanted to speak. He asked me again if I wanted him to stop. I told him no, that I would eventually pick up. And I did, one month after leaving.

"Hello?" I said tentatively.

"Oh, my God! Madara, I- I'm not prepared..." I heard rustling of some sheets, and the video showing the ceiling starting to move until it caught Hashi. He was wearing a wine-red T-shirt, his hair in a low, messy bun, and he had glasses on. I literally dropped the bottle of water I was holding, he was so hot.

"Hashi..."

And we talked. For hour after hour, we talked. He didn't mention Izuna, but asked about uni, about my mum and dad, about when I was planning to head back for summer. I asked him about his books, about that meeting he'd had, about Russia. I had forgotten how easy he was to talk to, and how easy he made me feel talking to. Finally, he cleared his throat.

"Madara, I don't know what's going on with you, but I'm worried. I hate to tell you this, but I have to. Tobirama phones me every day and cries because Izuna cries every day because he can't get hold of you. What is going on?"

I felt as if someone was hammering on a glass window to my heart, trying to break it into a thousand pieces. No. We don't go there. We don't go there anymore. This month, I had worked hard to shut any emotion regarding Izuna out, and had somewhat succeeded. He had texted me daily for two weeks, but now, I got one text every few days, saying simple things like "Thinking of you" and "I still love you xx", but still I didn't answer. And now, Hashi had dared ask the question, and I had to work hard to not open that window into my heart, not even a little.

"I... I don't think I'm ready for it, Hashi. I'm not ready to talk about it."

He looked at me for a long time through his glasses and the distance from Russia to Switzerland. Then, he nodded. "Okay. I trust you. One more question... In July?"

"Yes?"

"You want to come to England?" I was taken aback. "I'm going to spend July there and I want you with me."

I hated to admit it, but my first thought wasn't joy at joining Hashi in a country I've never been. My first thought had been relief to spend one month somewhere Izuna wouldn't be. But then, I felt a warm tingling in my stomach at the thought of Hashi wanting me with him for an entire month. I swallowed.

"Yes... Yes."

I saw Hashi smile warmly. "Good. Because I already bought you tickets and booked an apartment for us both for that month. I have some work to do but there will be time to explore as much of England as possible."

I felt so happy then, I might burst. The first time I'd felt anything like it ever since Izuna...

I appreciated our continuous video calls. Whereas Izuna's and Tobirama's relationship was a passionate and explosive one, mine and Hashi's was more mellow, down-to-earth, calm. Izuna and Tobiramaa had thrown themselves into a small canoe in a vast, open ocean during a storm without life vests upon meeting each other, whereas me and Hashi were strolling hand-in-hand in a sunny meadow. Neither was better than the other; it was just... Different. And I liked what me and Hashi had. It felt so uncomplicated, so easy. I bought myself a thousand-piece puzzle that was a map of England which I lay in the evenings with a mug of peppermint tea while video-calling Hashi. We started dreamily planning our trip a little. I said I wanted to see London and Cornwall. Hashi wanted to take me to York. I wanted to have some lazy days at home. Hashi wanted for us to go on some real dates. It felt perfect, and I felt myself drift back to a normality, all thanks to Hashi.

Summer came, and I was on the train home. I was staying for the entirety of June before I left for England, then coming back to spend August at home as well. I couldn't even begin to comprehend the joy I felt deep down regarding the upcoming trip abroad due to how excruciatingly nervous I was about meeting Izuna again. He'd kept texting, at least once a week, reminding me he was there for me. He once again apologised for what he thought he'd done.

Izuna <3: I am so happy to hear from Tobes you're speaking to Hashi again. I feel terrible for what I did. I am so sorry.

That was the second time I used a knife to my thighs. I had thick, thick scars from last time, and I followed them, cutting until I reached muscle. It fascinated me, how deep I could go. I didn't know that about myself, and I hated it. I was crying as the blade painted it's way over my skin to my flesh, my mind bullying my soul all the wile. He says he's sorry. He says he's sorry because YOU caused him to lose his legs at the age of fifteen. And deep down, I knew exactly why I targeted my legs, and not somewhere more common, let's say my wrists. It was my way of saying it should have been me who lost my legs, not Izuna.

Just then, Hashi had video phoned. I had been so far away in my thoughts that I'd picked up.

"Hi, my darling", he said. "How- OH MY GOD, MADARA!!" He had screamed, and I heard clutter as he stood up.

"What..?" I had asked weakly.

"WHY IS THERE SO MUCH BLOOD?! MADARA, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!"

He sounded so terrified, that a primitive part of me became so frightened I curled up into a ball and started crying out of pure fear.

"What is the emergency number for Switzerland? Never mind, I'll Google. I'm coming over. I'm coming over right now."

And he had. He had come, and he stayed for two weeks, just taking care of me. Just taking care of me. He'd known. He's known why I targeted my legs. He knew what I was trying to do. I shivered now I sat on the train, imagining how I'd put the blade to my thighs, the strange sensation of metal against scar tissue. How Hashi had felt forced to come and take care of me, how manipulative I had been. I even told Hashi so, but he silenced me, said it didn't matter what my intentions had been because he would've come anyway. I felt terrible. But even so, I longed for that sensation again, to take the nervousness away.

My phone pinged, and I took it up.

Izuna <3 (09.30 pm): I am so nervous. I am so nervous to meet you again.

I didn't answer.