Little Lies (GirlxGirl)

Chapter 20

Giving Lina up completely is probably the hardest thing I'm going to do in my life, but I'm trying- I want to, I need to, for Nova.

She watches me now, she's careful around me lately, I suppose she wouldn't know what else to do for me, especially after my outburst of weakness.
That's all the little beach trip was anyway, a lapse in sanity and judgement, nothing like that should've ever happened. I wasn't thinking rationally, I was being the most childish form of myself. That's weakness.

I've gotten rid of everything that reminds me of Lina, even the most subtle mundane things, the most recent being a t-shirt I wore to her house. When I looked at it, I could clearly remember it hanging from the kitchen cabinet and her shirt not too far away, on the stove. I had to shake my head to make the memory dissipated.

I would never leave Novak, not for anyone, what was I thinking? I wasn't thinking. Besides, she's all I have left of- I shouldn't think like that, using Nova as a buffer. Besides, she knows something is up, she's not stupid, I shouldn't insult her by keeping myself away from her. It just makes her more suspicious.

The more I think about it, the more I realize how I could never tell her the whole truth. Doesn't matter if I want to, I just can't.

I don't want to lie to her, though it wouldn't matter at the state of our relationship now. I've already done the unforgivable and if I do tell her- or not, it won't ever matter, she'll leave me eventually.

I want to drag this out as long as I can. I intend to hold on to her for as long as she'll let me. So, I won't tell her. I don't think I'd be able to survive it.

"Baby?" She tapped my shoulder, speaking out. She looked concerned when she reached up to my face, taking my cheeks in her soft hands.

I smiled and met her eyes, I stopped my carrot chopping to focus more on her. We were at my house, cooking together, even though both me and Lauren warned her not let me near the stove. I can cook basic things like breakfast foods, but after that, I know enough to be a hazard to myself and others. But Nova doesn't care, she likes to cook.
More specifically, she likes to cook for me, She's just like Lina-

I shook my head to get rid of the thought, but she held my head in hands, made our eyes meet.

"What's wrong?" She asked with a soft frown, but I could easily read the look on her face. She's grown tired of the new format of our relationship. Instead of answering I pull on a smile and kiss her, I had a cheap hope that it would work, needless to say it didn't. She pulled back with a look I couldn't pin, one I haven't seen before.

"You're not okay, what's going on with you?"

I opened my mouth but nothing came out, so I shut up, making an instant wave of frustration pas though her. She let go of me and I instantly leapt into action chasing after her, taking her hand to make her stop. I don't want her to leave, I just haven't been able to correct my behavior since Lina, It's bound to take another week if I leave it to fester on it own.

I take a deep breath when she meets my eyes again, I nodded finally, giving in, leaning into the wall where we'd stopped a little ways away from the kitchen. It was humbling really, I couldn't look away or mumble I needed to face her if I intended to tell her what I was feeling, and just doing that meant that I would have to mean what I was telling her, a lie could easily be spotted.

"I've just been a bit down lately, I tried working through it all by myself, but it hasn't been working so well. But everything will go back to normal soon."

She signed pulling me into her and I knew just by the way her arms wrapped around my neck the way she stood on her toes to hug me that she would cry. I was right once I heard the frist sniffle and I pulled her closer. She pulled back after a few seconds maybe a minute and looked at me.