April's Heart

Hal-abeoji

"What does he want?" April whispered.

Jae shook his head and shrugged, too shaken to respond verbally. 

His father spoke through the door, his tone solemn and his footsteps began to retreat, slow and heavy, as if weighed down by his regret.  April could tell Jae's mind was racing with questions that no one but the man walking away from him could answer.  Suddenly he ripped the door open and stepped out into the hall.  April gasped, as shocked by his actions as he seemed to be.  His hands were balled into fists at his side, shaking with anger or fear.

The man, hearing the door, turned and for the first time in over twenty years was face to face with his son.  Instantly tears began to fall from his eyes.  He rushed towards Jae, sweeping him up into an unexpected embrace.  April's heart wrenched watching his father's outpouring of emotion met with Jae's cold response.

When finally his father stepped away from him, Jae crossed his arms in front of his chest in defiance.  April stood feet away but could feel hatred emanating from him.  As soon as his father opened his mouth Jae cut him off, speaking matter of factly words she knew were dripping with disdain.  The older man stared at his shoes as his son berated him.  He didn't defend himself or argue, he simply took it silently.  The more Jae spoke the angrier he got, his memories fueling his hate and before April could stop him, he grabbed the man's collar with both hands and shook him as he began to cry, repeating one of the words April actually knew.  "Why?"

"Jae!" She shouted, rushing to pull his father from his grip.

The older man didn't fight, he simply slumped against the wall when April freed him, as though he wanted the fight.  He deserved it.

Jae stood behind her panting, angrily wiping tears from his flushed cheeks. 

"Joesong haeyo," his father muttered, "naneun nappeun abeojiueossda."

"He says he was a bad father," Jae told April as if the man had been speaking to her.  "He wants my forgiveness.  He thinks coming here after she's gone will somehow change my mind."

"No," his father said, sternly.

April turned, shocked by his response. 

"Your mother kept it from you but I've been in contact with her.  I visited as often as I could for the past few years, until my work took me to America.  When I found out she was in the hospital I came back as soon as I could but it was too late.  When I came to collect her things the landlord told me you were staying here."

April looked around the apartment as though somehow the ghost of Jae's parent's time there might still be visible.  She imagined them eating at the table, sitting on the sofa engaged in conversation about a son neither of them had seen in years.

"She would have told me," Jae said softly.

"No," his father answered.  "She didn't trust me.  She talked to me about you but she would never tell me where you were.  I asked many times.  I left you once, she didn't believe I wouldn't do it again.  As a mother she was protecting you from me. "

Jae's eyes welled with tears as he tried to process his father's words.  She knew none of it made sense to him, that so much he thought he knew about his parents had been wrong. 

"Dangsin-eun mueos-eul wonhasibnikka?" Jae asked.

"I just want to talk.  Can we go somewhere?"

Jae looked to April as if for permission and a part of her, a very selfish part, wanted to deny it.  Everything had been so peaceful.  They had gotten through the Kenny situation, his ex-wife, even the death of his mother.  April feared, though, that the Jae she had been blissfully coexisting with the past week was going to walk out the door never to return.  Instead, the dark, brooding, closed off version of him would remain.  That fear, the fear of losing the man she loved gave her pause but she couldn't be what kept him from the one person who knew anything about his past.