April's Heart

Eventually

April stood in front of the closet, a towel wrapped around her, fresh from the shower, staring at her dress. In a short while she'd step out of her building with Kenny and into the unknown.

She felt surprisingly numb. The night before she had been so certain that no matter how the day ended, when all was said and done, she and Jae would be together. However, with the rising of the sun, her certainty faded into doubt, then to sadness, then to nothing. She felt the way she did the night she had gotten drunk on too much Soju, as if she was looking at herself from the outside. It was comfortable and painless but she knew it couldn't last forever.

Behind her, Jae was gathering the little things he needed to take with him; his wallet, passport, plane ticket and boarding pass. He placed them neatly into the travel bag April had bought him, zipped it up and dropped it on the bed.

"That's everything," he said. "I'm all packed."

"Mmmhmm.

"Are you going to put it on? I haven't seen you in it yet," he said, running his hands up and down her hips as though he was molding her out of clay.

"I will, " she replied, leaning back into him.

She would miss his touch so desperately. Something in the way he caressed her made her feel delicate, as if at any moment he feared his touch may break her but he couldn't help but touch her anyway. She was his treasure, something precious to behold. Never had she experienced such care. Normally she felt large and ungainly. The only time she dare sit on Kenny's lap he tapped her thigh after a few minutes silently begging her to release him. He pretended he had to get up to freshen his drink but April knew he was just trying to spare her feelings. She was shocked he didn't drag his wounded leg to the bar begging for ice.

"Kenny's coming at eight o'clock, right?" Jae asked, looking at his watch.

April nodded.

"That's in half an hour."

She nodded again, the knot that for the past week had been growing in her stomach, tightening. Even in the months they had been apart she was somehow able to find comfort in the fact that he was so close. When the pain of missing him became unbearable she need only remember that every night, only feet away from her, he lay asleep. And in the morning the same sun that shone through his window casting light on his beautiful skin, was shining through hers as well. So, though they had been living separate lives, they were in some ways, together.

Where had the day gone? She had only a small amount of time left with Jae. She woke up hours earlier than usual to find him lying beside her staring at the ceiling, so lost in thought that she was able to watch him for nearly ten minutes before he noticed. He turned and took her in his arms. With their naked bodies pressed together she felt as though he was somehow touching her everywhere all at once, inside and out. They made love for hours until it felt as though they had melted into one being. When finally, Jae climaxed, he called out her name before collapsing onto the bed. She could have cried. Knowing this could be their last encounter turned her intense pleasure into equally intense sorrow.

"Uljima," he whispered, caressing her cheek.

She didn't have to ask what it meant. He had said it to her probably close to a hundred times the past week while trying to comfort her.

At his request she held back her tears even attempting to smile. He returned her smile and kissed her forehead pulling her close to him. She listened to his heart which was unsurprisingly beating in time with hers. The heart that would soon be thousands of miles away.

They stayed in each other's arms all afternoon. Not a word spoken. Not a desire voiced. Wrapped up in each other trying to forget everything but what they were feeling. Nothing else existed but the two of them. There was no distance, no time, only love.

Sighing deeply, April reached for the dress. No sense putting it off any longer. Nothing could stop the inevitable so she may as well be wearing a petty dress when her heart broke.

Jae sat on the bed and watched a she pulled the dress over her curves, rising when she looked at him over her shoulder and zipping the back for her. She turned to him and shrugged, unable to keep from crying any longer.

"I'm sorry," she said, trying unsuccessfully to wipe away her quickly forming tears before they fell.

She had been so sure she could get through the night without breaking down. It had been her goal. She didn't want Jae to see her that way just before leaving, his last vision of her one of sadness. Despite it all, she hoped he could somehow find even a small amount of joy in his leaving. She wanted to foster that feeling, reminding him of the good and leave the sadness for when she came home to her empty apartment that night.

He watched stone-faced as she composed herself. Finally, with a deep breath and a long exhale she was ready to continue preparing to leave.

"Right," she said, sniffling and forcing a smile, "makeup."

She turned to leave the room but was stopped by Jae who grabbed her wrist and somehow gently yet with great force pulled her into his embrace. She couldn't help but be reminded of their first kiss in the hall outside her apartment. She remembered the passion she could feel just being close to him in the way he was gentle yet dominant. His kiss soft yet powerful. For a year he had thought and wondered about her knowing but not knowing. When what he had been told and imagined manifested in his reality he couldn't hold back. She knew he had loved her before he even met her, something she realized while they were apart all those months. To her, he seemed to have been moving quickly in their relationship but he had been in it longer than she had.

"I love you, April," he said louder than a whisper for the first time.

She looked up into his eyes and smiled.

"Salanghae," she replied.

Outside, Jae and April stood side by side, like two soldiers heading off to a war they knew they couldn't win yet had to fight. Kenny was uncharacteristically late and she knew he was trying to afford them as much time together as possible, sending her text after text full of excuses that barely made sense. Jae's bags were still in her apartment ready for him to take at midnight when he called his ride and left for the airport.

When Kenny's car pulled up, April felt her heart drop. Jae's hand tightened around hers before he released it. Kenny slowly approached them and without a word hugged April as tight as he could without hurting her. She was so grateful to him for everything he had done for her the past nine months and she knew he would be the rock on which she would be leaning for the foreseeable future.

When he let April go he stood in front of Jae who reached out a hand to him.

"Thank you, Ken," Jae said, using the name April had only ever heard his father call him.

Kenny nodded, firmly shaking Jae's hand. It was almost ceremonial. The passing of the woman from her lover to her protector. Kenny would be there when Jae couldn't be, giving her companionship and love in his stead.

Standing in the spot where they'd first met April and Jae embraced for what could very well be the last time ever. They made no promises because no matter how much in love they were, distance made promises too easy to break.

Kenny averted his eyes as they kissed, said their last goodbyes and once again professed their love for one another.

"Please be careful," she whispered into his ear as he held her. "Let me know when you get there."

"April," Kenny whispered, placing a hand on her shoulder, "we should go."

"Ok," April said, reluctantly pulling herself away from Jae and taking Kenny's hand, "I'm ready."

They walked to the car and April turned before getting in to wave her final farewell. Jae looked so small standing there alone but she knew why he had to do it that way. She had Kenny to pull her along and force her to leave him. Had she gone with him to the airport the idea of missing his flight wouldn't compare to the pain of walking away from her. Without her there, his mother and his home were all the pull he needed.

"Are you going to be alright?" Kenny asked as he started the car.

After one last glance at Jae through the window she nodded.

"I'll be fine. Eventually," she replied, wiping away a pesky tear. "Let's go."