sʜᴏʀᴛ sᴛᴏʀɪᴇs [eng]

a while ago.

⚠️TW : self-harm, depersonalization (?) ⚠️

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A while ago, i sat on the toilet, holding the sharp knife in my right hand. It's been quite a while since I've felt like this. It's nothing new, but it doesn't feel familiar anymore. My hands are shivering, my body is shaking. In my ears, the music of a calm song is playing; a singer i haven't listened to in a while; a singer, whose music i didn't knew before. It was only a few minutes after 3PM, i think.

I slept until 1PM, waking up once at 10AM; falling asleep again with the thought of wasting time by even getting up. It felt comfortable. The blanket over my half naked body, covering my cold limbs, making me curl up to a small ball. My neck hurt, breaking my attention away from my mind to my spine: making my headache seem less painful; less noticable. It was comforting.

But when I decide to take my phone into my hand, scrolling through social media, trying to get in contact with someone - i felt numb. The numbness made its way through my body, numbing my mind, my hands. It felt uncomfortable. It felt unreal.

As if i've just entered a mode that i forgot existed in my life, i started to feel so bad. It got worse with every minute that was passing. I got trapped in a dark room, no door, no window - no light. Only a chair and a shard and the exact same, sharp, shard had its place on the dark ground; Glittering.

It's been a while since this happened.

I picked up the shard, with my legs shaking.
I thought for a bit.

I couldn't make it obvious.

I shared my room.
I change infront of my brother.

Should i really do this?
Will it even help to ease my mind?

To get rid of these bad thoughts and doubts, the general mess inside of my head, holding me hostage when nothing of it could even possibly be true - i couldn't help it otherwise.

One. Nothing. Probably not deep enough.
Two. Nothing. It didn't hurt.
Three. Nothing. Probably not deep enough.
Four. Nothing. No pain.
Five. Nothing.
Six. Nothing.

I watched the cuts, none of them seemed to have cut through my skin, none of them seemed to be deep enough to bleed. I watched small points of blood appear. It didn't hurt. Why didn't it hurt?

I took a wet cloth, wiping over it once.
I didn't feel anything.

I pulled down my sleeve and got up, shaking, walking out of the bathroom with weak knees, back into my room. I don't remember where I put the knife, but it was useless in the end anyway; it didn't help, for fucks sake, it didn't help.

I then felt my skin heating up where the cuts were supposed to be. It burned, it stung, it was painful. I don't remember burning like this when i did it before, it was something new. But at least, finally, my mind calmed down, finally letting go of all the dark thoughts that were lingering in my mind.

I still felt like shit, praying that the blood wouldn't stain my light hoodie and decided to just take a shower. Nobody showers at 4PM but i didn't care, i felt dirty and sad, in addition to an ugly, useless and worthless body, combined with a corrupted, shitty personality. I took my speaker, some new underwear and practically ran down the stairs, ignoring my siblings comment about how i finally decided to get up and the applause of my family members. I stopped my movement, glared at them and gave a pissed answer before walking into the bathroom.

In a hurry i locked the door, took off my clothes and took out my hair tie; manically grabbed my shampoo and turned on my soft, sad music loudly enough to cover the sound of the water that rained on my body. The blood was washed away immediately, making the cuts sting; the hot water continuing to cover my cold, shivering existence.

I stood there, staring at the wall while water ran down my body; most likely burning my flesh.
Five minutes of the song "k." which made me zone out, passed before i grabbed my shampoo and covered myself in soap, from head to toe; the soap didn't even make me cringe.
I stood there for a few more minutes, listening to the next song before washing it out.

It didn't help; I felt so numb again, but so god damn emotional at the same time.

I turned out the water and got out, placing my speaker on the shelf in front of me with my phone next to it. I took the towel, drying my body, ruffling my hair; rubbing over the cuts. When i looked at them, i felt even worse than before.

Two only were reddened lines. Four of them actually bled.

God, why. Why am I like this.
I held the towel in front of my chest, listening to the music that was playing. Finally, i broke down; my knees gave out, making me crouch before starting to cry into the towel, sobbing into it while i actually wanted to scream; i wanted to scream so badly, but i just couldn't, due to the soft music that was playing and my family being home; making me feel exhausted and tired, making me wish I didn't get up at all, making me want to disappear.

Nothing felt right today. I felt like i entered autopilot; my body felt so heavy, my mind felt blank, my emotions seemed to have vanished.

I didn't eat during the day, it made me feel nauseous, made me almost threw up with every bite i tried to take and swallow, fuck, even drinking something made my stomach ache, making me feel sick. The only thing i was able to take down was my energy drink. But even then, nobody noticed; not even my manically sorting and cleaning up of all our cupboards which started yesterday and ended tonight; but fucking hell, not even that made me feel a slight better.

And now i am here again, lying in my bed with the cat sleeping on my chest, questioning if i should write this down, since i didn't feel like i could tell anyone; not even my closets friends, i couldn't even tell them that i felt a bit sad today, yet it was so hard to act like my usual self; the mask i owned seemed to have broken.

What even is this; this day that i wasted with a depression nap of 12h, with 4h of self-loathing, with 2h trying to spent time around my family, wasting 2h of cleaning cupboards and wasting the rest of the night again with numbness and boredom - time spent just WASTING my whole life again.

A while ago, i self-harmed for the first time this year, after not doing it for a while. Last year, around this time too, including 6-9 cuts too, but then again, last year, i felt different than now.

A while ago, i lost myself again, hiding behind a facade of numbness; losing myself in my own feelings, in my own mind, not even trying to distract myself.

A while ago, i was questioning whether I should talk to my soulmates about this or just write it down somewhere, either on paper or on my phone, questioning if this would even bother anyone.

A while ago, i once again entered autopilot, lost myself and shut down my feelings so i can try and collect myself again.

A while ago, i lost myself.
A while ago, i drowned in emotions.
A while ago, i hurt myself on purpose.

And now, just a small while ago, i decided to write this down, but to whomever it might concern, i don't feel anything right now, but i know that the slightest inconvenience could make me feel like shit and make me sad like hell all over again.

A while ago...

Yeah, a while ago all this happened.
And now, i will take another nap.

It's 1:51AM.

Then, until later, i guess.

♡