sʜᴏʀᴛ sᴛᴏʀɪᴇs [eng]

› rotten

Character :

myself.

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i, apparently, don't think i am okay.
i am asking myself when i will finally be.
i am in constant pain but i cried so often, i can't even cry anymore. i just feel this pain in my chest but nothing comes out.
no scream, no tear. nothing.
i simply ruffle my hair and click on my favorite playlist to listen to the music which normally makes me feel at least something. but even now i simply sit and nod my head to the beat or rap or sing along.

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i could try to distract myself but it would never work. i tried to party with my classmates and drink as much as possible but in the end i stood in the bathroom crying while looking at myself in the mirror. i hate everything about me,my personality, my body, my voice. my whole being, i despite it.

i hate mirrors.

"you crying?"

"yea.."

"kay."

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how many times did i go through this?
it's the same all the fucking time.

it feels like i always am the only one who bruises so god damn easily. i break so easily.
people think i am this tough, loud, rude and energetic kid but i am not. how many times did i take off this mask and showed them who i really am.
i can't offer much. and if i'm not enough, you have to search for your luck.
i wanna keep them close but i just end up breaking them. all the time. over and over again.

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i live in my own world full of dreams, beliefs and happiness together with laughter and joy.

this world...is just inside my head.

i lost so much. i don't know anything anymore! i am so confused by my emotions and my actions, i don't know anything anymore.

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i am not an extrovert.
i am no introvert either.
i simply am an alcoholic disaster.

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i am really annoying and i know that.
that's why i am left alone with myself.

and i am stuck in this disaster since the last two months and it will continue this way for the rest of the year.

i reach out for help, i really desperately do.
but no one's there.
i could disappear for days until someone notices.

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school.
teachers mocking me.
class talking and laughing about me.
they only include me when it's necessary, so i won't know what they're doing.

i hear them laughing and talking, excluding me in group projects, birthdays and conversations.
but then they will get upset if i stand or sit alone, put my headphones in or am reading on my phone. they don't include me but don't want me to distract myself.

they still act all so nice around me, maybe doing it subconsciously.

during this pandemic, i realized how lonely and unimportant i am. worthless.