sʜᴏʀᴛ sᴛᴏʀɪᴇs [eng]

» self-care!

I've been dreaming of a world that's so much better than this one.
I've always felt out of place, but here, in my own world, in my own head, i'm accepted and loved and i can just simply let out all of my pain.
Wondering why my parents, especially my dad, don't love me the way i am, why they won't listen or try to understand me at all, mocking and.judging me for existing and "being boring".
All i ever do is listen to music to escape from all their hurtful words, to escape all the fights they have - at this point, i don't even care anymore that i could potentially become hard of hearing or deaf.
All i want is to be free, free from judgement, pain and people.
I hate so many things about this life i have in reality, but here, i am free.
Running away, living my dream, god, how awesome that would be right?

Today i sat in the car, trying to drown out my father's and mother's voices with my music, but as soon as 'Daddy Issues' played, i suddenly, for myself, even my mind, went quiet to listen to the lyrics. The voice of the lead singer, so comforting, but calling me out so badly, i wanted to cry. Songs that i relate to, normally i just listen and sing along, but i still don't know why, not only this song, but also a few others always get to me.
They get to me so badly, i wanna scream and cry and just get rid of all the bad feelings.
Cutting my skin, if i can't rip it off, if i can't shake all of these bad feelings, how am i supposed to smile like usual and be completely functional?
I didn't know anymore, and the next song that played was 'Sara', hitting me right in the feelings.
How often did i sit and felt like the girl in this song? It felt so relateable, even though i never attempted suicide, neither was i hurting myself anymore. I've been free from cutting for around 490 days - now it's zero again. But who says it's the only obvious form of self-harm? I've been drinking so much alcohol which i don't even like, just to feel something; the warmth of the liquid that ruins your health, god, every drinking party I'd be there, even as an introvert who hated all of this stuff, especially since my father's an alcoholic, i go there just to get drunk and look at others having all their fun with the loud music, talking and dancing and just... enjoying their life; while i sit wishing i was dead, resisting the urge to cut open my arms and legs by downing one drink after another. The dizziness and warmth are all i ever feel at those partys, I don't even talk to my friend until i have had a good amount of the deadly liquid.

God, i wish i was dead.
I'm sorry my life played out like this.
I pity myself.

why won't you love me?

- alex flynt