Scarlett

34 - Carson

Fuck this guy, fuck him for putting us in this position, fuck him for hurting my girls, just fuck him.
I honestly cannot tell you how much I hated this man - like fully fucking hated him. Almost as much as I hated myself right now.
I wasn't an idiot and I knew my part in this was obvious - I put us here. Shit if I had of just kept my dick dry all those years ago, if I had of been a decent man, a decent husband and stayed away from Amelia then fucking Jackson wouldn't have gotten the desperate call from Scarlett, he wouldn't of had to fly to her to comfort her, He wouldn't of slept with her that night and we wouldn't be in this situation right now. So yeah - I hated myself for doing this to us - did Lettie know I carried this hatred - no fucking way. If she did she would focus all her energy on trying to make me feel better, she would try and convince me it was just as much her fault as it was mine, she would try and shoulder this burden, but this was mine to bare and she had enough to deal with. I also couldn't tell her how much I wanted to drive straight to Jackson's house and punch that stupid fucking smirk off his face. Fucker - sitting there all smug and trying to play my little girl - trying to guilt her into a relationship with him by playing her, twisting his words to make it sound like he had some sort of guilt about the way he had led his life - I really didn't trust that guy, I never had and I never fucking would.
I pushed my feelings down though - my girls needed me more than ever and I wanted nothing more than for them to know I was right there with him, that they were my number one priority.
Mya was an absolute wreck - all the way to the car she cried against my chest, she asked me over and over to promise that I'd never leave her, she asked me if I loved her the same way I loved her brothers. The questions and the way she asked them, the fact she even thought she needed to ask them absolutely tore me apart.
Emotionally and mentally she was completely and utterly wiped out, and even then it still took time to get her relaxed enough to get some sleep.
Logan helped - Mya wanted him to know - he was the only one though. So with Seb's help in taking the rest of the kids home with him to Kira and Lily the four of us sat down and filled Loges in.
He was an absolute champion - he took his sister under one arm, his Mother under the other and held them both, we locked eyes and the love for his family poured through them - fuck this kid was so much like his grandfather - Hunter would have been so fucking proud, I was so fucking proud.
I meant what I said to Lettie earlier that morning. We had raised some bloody awesome kids.
Eventually exhaustion caught up to my girls and they headed up to have a rest. It made me smile when Mya grabbed her Mums hand and asked her to lay down with her.
And now my house was covered in silence. My house that was usually the noisy one was just quiet.

"Hey Dad"

"Hey buddy, you doing ok?"

"Yeah, I guess"

Logan stood in the doorway of the lounge room, his height and the sullen look on his face making him seem so much older than his 17 years.

"Mum and Mya are sleeping buddy - if there is stuff you want to talk about it's ok"

"I guess" he flopped on the lounge next to me, arms resting on his knees I waited for him to go on,

"I don't remember it, you and Mum not being together or Mum being with someone else, I feel like it's something I would have remembered"

"It was a really long time ago bud, you were really really little"

"But I remember some stuff, like I'd remember you coming home from games and how excited I'd be to see you, I remember spending time with you and Mum and playing football in the back yard"

"Yeah but Loges this wouldn't have seemed any different. We weren't separated for that long and with me being away so much when you were little it probably just seemed like every other time I was away"

"I don't understand Dad, if you guys weren't apart for that long why did she have to get with him. I mean all this could have been different"

"You don't know the whole story Logan, and if you are going to hold anything against your mother you need to know you should be holding the same feelings to me. I played my part in this too, shit Loges I set this whole thing off. So if you need someone to be angry at or hold a grudge towards - I'm your man son"

"How can you stand to be in the same room as him Dad? You always seem so calm and"

"Logan"

"Yeah" his eyes caught mine,

"I fucking hate him ok, more than I ever thought was possible to hate another person and maybe I shouldn't be saying this to you because your my kid - but I absolutely hate that bastard"

Logan wrapped an arm around my shoulder,

"I love you Dad"

"I love you too kid"