Scarlett

43 - Jax

For 24 hours I got to finally feel what is was like to be completely happy, to be that guy - you know the one I'm taking about right, the guy who gets it all, the guy that finally got the girl and promised to hold onto her, the guy that won, the guy that beat Carson Cage.
Then everything and I mean everything shattered, my entire world tilted and slammed back down - ripping my heart into pieces and obliterating the rest of me.

I've had nightmares about that phone call and I remember every single detail about it. The way her voice was so unsure and sad when we spoke, the way her breath hitched whenever I mentioned her going to see him and then the nothing, I thought she had hung up on me - the last thing I heard was the thump of the phone hitting the ground before the silence.
Until Seb's phone call.

That was almost two weeks ago now - I hadn't seen her, hadn't even spoken to her - I doubt I would even be welcomed there. I knew he had his claws back in her - knew she had gone home to him, and I knew he would blame me for this happening and you know what maybe I deserve every single piece of guilt that consumes my body at the thought that he is right - that I am the reason this happened to her in the first place, that I am the reason for all the shit in her life.

Still - it didn't stop me from showing up here today, from standing on her front step, from knocking on her front door, and I didn't expect the reaction I got from Logan when he opened the door, shit this kid - it was like looking into the Seb I remember from when we were 18 years old - he is a carbon copy of his uncle - of his grandfather and when he wrapped his arms around me when he opened the door it took everything I had to keep my shit together and not lose it completely.

"Uncle Jax, it's so good to see you"

Clearly the kids had been kept out of the loop from what had gone down a few weeks earlier.

"You too kiddo, how's your Ma?"

He pulled back the trademark Stilton smirk lifting his mouth,

"Stubborn, determined - giving Dad a run for his money"

I couldn't help but grin at that last one - my Scarlett was anything but dependant on others and it made me a bit too happy she was tormenting him.

"Is she awake? Can I see her?"

"Yeah, Dad has just gone to the gym for a bit to check on things, Mum's in her room - she's awake. Just kick the other kids out if there in with her"

Other kids, shit.

"Hey Loges, is um"

"No" he shook his head "Mya went with Dad, no doubt shopping for books"

"Ok. Thanks"

I made my way slowly upstairs, each step made my heart beat just a little bit faster. I didn't know if she would even want to see me - I didn't know if what she would tell me would break me or maybe I would break her, again - it was what I was good at.

She was as beautiful as ever - her dark hair was pulled back off her face, her skin was paler than usual but not in a sickly way.
She was sitting up, propped up against the head board, Her leg which was in a cast was resting on the bed elevated by pillows.
The smile she gave me brought me back to life, reminded me to keep breathing.

"I'm dreaming right, there is no way your actually here"

Her voice was soft, and as I closed the distance I could see the tears welling in her eyes, I couldn't hold back - I cupped her cheek - tracing the angry red scar with my thumb and damn her she leaned into my touch.

"Real as life baby. You ok?"

"I'm getting there, it's a slow process but I will get there"

She moved her hand to cover mine which still rested on her cheek and threaded our finger together.
I sat on the bed, my gaze focused on our joined hands that now rested on my thigh, feeling her eyes burning into me as silence stretched between us for what seemed like hours but couldn't have been more than a few minutes.

"I don't know what to say Scar, fuck - I'm so fucking sorry"

"Your sorry? Are you blaming yourself for this? Jackson - this isn't your fault"

"It isn't? Really? Not even a little bit? Shit Scar every crap thing in your life is because of me, because of the shit I have done to you or said"

"Jax, I"

"No" I shook my head and met her eyes "I need to say this Scar, before I chicken out - can you let me"

"Ok" she whispered,

"I love you Scarlett - more then I ever thought it was possible for me to love anyone. You are the one woman I could truly give myself too, but I can't. I don't deserve you. You are good, kind, beautiful. I'm none of those things - I'm fucked up, I'm lost Scar - so god damn lost. I chased you away when you were 17 and again in college because I knew it then. I'm not the forever guy for you Scarlett - I can't give you that, I want to so badly - shit I want to grab you and take you and keep you beside me for the rest of time, but I can't"

"Jax" her voice was solid, her fingers tightening their hold on me and I couldn't help lean in and press my lips against her soft mouth. My forehead resting against hers,

"I love you Scarlett, I've loved you since your family took me in"

"I love you too Jackson and I love the idea of you and me - but you're right. We destroy each other. It's taken me so long to get here Jax - but I know - I need to let you go. It's the only way we can survive this"

"Your are right"

"No part of this will be easy Jackson, I have this knack of always wanting to save you"

I paused, breaking our eye contact and again focusing on her hand in mine, my thumb tracing the soft skin which I swear hadn't aged at all.

"It's ok Scar. I've got this" it was here I needed just a moment, a few deep breaths before I could go on.

"Seb is buying me out. Everything in my name will be divided between the two of you 50/50. I don't have any property to worry about, it's just me. I am so great full for everything your Dad and Mum did for me and Seb will always be my brother - but Ive got to go Scarlett, it's the only way I could stay away from you. It's the only way either of us can move on"

"Your leaving?"

"I have to, it's time for me to go" This time when I looked at her, the tears were running along her cheeks.

"Your killing me baby" I whispered, using her hand to pull her body to mine, my hands on either side of her cheeks, I kissed her softly between each word that came next"

"You were always the one for me Scarlett and I will always love you"

I stopped, pulling back from her.

"But you don't belong to me Scar, you don't belong with me"

I stood from the bed, leaning down to press a kiss against her cheek, whispering the words in her ear.

"Thank you for giving me the greatest gift I'll ever get" because even if she didn't want a relationship with me - the fact that Mya was a creation of Scarlett and I - there was nothing that would ever even come close to topping that.

"I love you Jackson, I will always love you"

"I know, I love you too" I blew out a deep breath, breaking the last contact we had and standing, my hands going to my hair I smiled at her,

"I don't know how to say goodbye to you"

"Don't"

So I didn't, I walked away - turning once more to look at the woman who owned me body and soul, the woman who I wanted nothing more than to give the world too, but it was too late. Too much time had passed and too much had happened between us for us to ever really have a shot.
It killed me, I swear I could hear, feel my heart breaking as I walked out of that house and out of her life.
Everything I had known for so long, the only family that had ever cared about me, I walked away from. For her. It was the one thing I could give her, it was the right thing to do, for her - always for her.