Warmth | ✔️ #wattys2021

23. spiral

Warnings: mentions of body insecurity, depression, please only read if you're comfortable with that

Nora and Adeline laid on their couch on Friday evening, nothing but tired. They were lucky they were even in the same place at the same time even if they lived together. On weekends their flat was left empty, Nora at Jim's, Adeline at Adam's. During the week Nora came home late at night and left early. Her work was tiring and exhausting. Humble as she is, she just lived through it without complaining. But now was great even if they were both not full of energy anymore, just relaxing, seeing your friend was always great. And while Nora was down physically, it was her friend's mental state that she had to recover from.

It has been a day and eventually she had to get back home, get some work done and call few of the numerous people back who called her when her phone was off. Her mother was overjoyed she found such a "dreamy man" until she told her he wasn't hers. Perhaps she also made one or two jokes about the perks of his money. It was a bit funny for her because the first time she told her she just broke up with the mysterious actor, she said they wouldn't make much money anyway. "It's complicated, mum!" She just said. Her mother was pretty understanding despite her initial curiosity. It was a long talk they had but she didn't mind; Leslie told more than entertaining stories that took her mind off of things. It was probably her tactic, she knew how much her daughter could get into her head.

"Do you know what we're doing tomorrow though?" Nora asked, unknowingly waking her from her train of thoughts.

"I don't really know Adam said something about opening his pool for the year, he's pretty sick still tough."

"Oh, great." She said even though her tired state hid the enthusiasm her words mirrored.

"I think I want to get a cat." Adeline stated obviously a bit out of context. She thought about it for a while now. Actually she always loved them, had one as a kid and probably never recovered from her death.

"Oh my god I love cats! Please do that! I'll feed them, I promise!" She said a bit unclearly as her head was resting on the pillow their yellow couch, her feed in her friend's lap.

"You're free tomorrow, aren't you?" "Yep."

"Well good because we have absolutely no food anymore, we could go grab breakfast down the street and then go grocery shopping."

"Okay, great!" Her friend commented her suggestion and fell asleep a while after.

*
The next morning the friends went out to get to the coffee shop. It was a sunny day, they wore a bit lighter clothes. Adeline also had a pair of sun glasses perched up on her head. Not because she thought the sun would blind her but when she slept over in Knightsbridge Adam said it's good to have them with you in case paps come by. She must have been lucky, till now no one has lingered at their front or, Jim even said the chaos shut down already.

As Adam had sent the friends' details about their meet up this morning she sent a message to Kate as they were walking down the street.

"Who are you texting?" Nora asked curiously.

"Kate, from my lecture. Remember? I invited her."
"Oh how cool...You know there is a good chance that cute guy is there again." Nora said changing the subject mid-sentence. She knew who she was talking about. Every time she went to that particular coffee shop that cute guy was overly friendly to her. Tried to chat her up, smiled and searched intense eye contact. It made her happy. He was a desirable man with his big eyes, bright smile is black skin shining in the sun.

"Hmm...yeah" She said trying not to make too much out of it.

As they entered the shop he was indeed there. The man already eyed her up as she came in. There was no queue, Nora stepped forward but she quickly could place her order too.

"The usual?" Said man asked.

"Yeah." Adeline said nodding. The usual was a big latte and a cinnamon role, that was placed in her hand in no time. And just as they stepped out Adeline noticed a phone number written on her cup with a black permanent marker, making her grin. Logan was his name. And although she initially felt joy in her heart, she couldn't help but think of Adam and pushed all thoughts away for now.

*

A bit later, the same day Adeline got ready. Jim would pick the two of them up at around 3. Adeline was standing in front of her mirror eying her body up and down. Her bikini was dark blue, nothing special, nothing too revealing. But she couldn't help but feel insecure. Normally she was okay with her body, not 100% happy but not uncomfortable either.

Now, she only saw the bad parts. The bid of fat on her belly, her bulky arms, and the stretch marks on her butt. Every time she turned around again to be facing her backside instead of her front again it got worse. She thought about cancelling. But she couldn't, Kate would be there. She could just keep a shirt on most of time, she decided. Adam already saw her naked anyway. Adeline was probably in better shape then though.

That was the root. Of her insecurities, of thinking she would never be enough for Adam. She remembered when they first met, when she declined his offer to go out with her and compared herself to the model on the billboard. He already told her then he wouldn't care but she knew deep down he did. Adam probably didn't find her too attractive that would be why he hasn't proposed the idea of a friends with benefits relation yet. He's a man after all and to her knowledge he's not seeing anyone else. Would explain their friendship, why he was so patient with her. Well, there was a time when they did it every living second of the day. Her panicky mind though jumped to conclusions, her mind spiraling: He probably only pretended, he was never into you, he despised your body, he has seen the greatest bodies, why would he like yours?

And these days her doubts got another level as their picture was also circling through social media. He told her she shouldn't, it's a terrible place and she should have listened, perhaps shouldn't have gone out with only a top, nothing covering her shoulders. There were mean comments, some clearly from girls who thought she was hers and were jealous.

And soon enough she laid curled up in her bed, crying for 20 minutes. This is a gift depression left her after she had first overcome it. The sudden panic and self destructive thoughts, the feeling that you're a waste of everything.