Warmth | ✔️ #wattys2021

28. at least I'm trying

!Warning! mentions of panic, anxiety and sex

Her breath was heavy as she tried to disappear as soon as possible. The very inner will of herself, was all that kept her from hyperventilating and instead her panic showed itself in her walk. It was probably the fastest one could clump before it'd count as running.

She walked faster along the posher streets of London, where everything was oh so pretty. He can't love me, he shouldn't love me. And faster. This isn't a good idea. And faster, now having caught the underground sign of Sloane Square. I'd fuck this up, why do I always have to fuck everything up?

The escalator was in charge of her pace now and tears prickled in her eyes, some already rolling down the side of her face. But well who would care, this is London.

As she left at Victoria station near her home in Brixton, her state hasn't changed at all. While she couldn't pace while on the train, her leg couldn't stop bouncing and her face which she happened to catch in the glass window in front of her had a hell of a stern look covering it. All she could do was stare forward and fade out the countless people with her on the train.

In record time she climbed up the stairs all the way up to her flat. Adeline was glad to discover she was alone. She took off her trench-coat and escaped straight to her room, crashing on the bed and finally started sobbing. Big fat sobs left her mouth.

Would anyone be near her now, they sure would be worried about her state. Adeline's face was nuzzled into a pillow, disappearing completely while her body was curled up so that her knees were touching her chin. Why does he have to love me. Why cant I juts be normal. Calm down! You have to calm down!

She didn't understand any part of herself now: Not her behaviour or her fears or the position she found herself in. She had always struggles with commitment but she thought it was him, why would she doubt herself then? And it took her right back to the mild winter night in which they first met and she already broke his heart a bit. She never trusted herself. Her mind occasionally wandered back to the situation too, to his expression of pain and helplessness but withdrew the thought a soon as possible as there was nothing which could ever make her feel worse. You deserve this, you deserve the pain you feel, don't you think?

It must have been an hour or so, Adeline wasn't quiet sure, she lost track of time. All she knew was that her clothes were full of sweat and her pillow presented a big wet stain on the white case, now becoming cold. She slowly stood up, treating her body with care not having enough energy for another doubt or self directed hate now. As if she cared for her own well being all at once. She noticed she was hungry, her stomach grumbling loudly and she figured, if she didn't eat now she'd make it a habit and would skip one meal after another.

Leaving her room she found her coat on the floor, her phone next to it, it must have fallen out in her fury. She picked both items up, her body weak, her eyes still blurry from the occasional tear that escaped and her swollen lids.

Opening the fridge was like looking in a metaphorical mirror for her. The light flickered and the only thing left in it was a glass of pickles great, she thought. Neither her or Nora have been spending a lot of time "home" lately. She must be at Jim's again, it's a Saturday afternoon after all. Oh!, she thought. What would Adam be doing now? Knowing, he was a people person, he probably searched comfort in his friend. What would they think? I could pretend it's nothing, I'm fine. She hated confrontation. She couldn't properly speak to him after this or at least she wanted to postpone it. Pride and shame finding an overwhelming place within her.

The fridge is empty.

Was what she eventually sent to her flatmate. Adeline studied rhetorical writing, she understood what the simplicity of such a text could do. And while she hoped Adam would figure she didn't care, didn't feel bad about this at all with the text to refrain from coming up to her, the thought of losing him was just as scary.

And while she was on her phone still she remembered Logan. She never called him, she wondered if she should. Now was for sure not ideal. But she needed someone, anyone who is no part of this chaos, who didn't know her ways. She knew in the end this would make her feel even worse. But right now she had nothing to lose.

"Hello?" A dark voice sounded on the other line.

"Uhm...hi, it's Adeline, I don't know if you remember me I-"

"Course I do, didn't think you'd still call though." She wish she wouldn't have to.

"Yeah sorry, I was very busy. I just thought...maybe you wanna hang out tonight?" Adeline knew she sounded desperate and her voice was as hoarse at it could get, the perfect victim.

"I'd love to, I'm free tonight! What do you have in mind?" That poor guy sounded actually excited.

"I don't really know, we could just hang out? Perhaps we could get take out, I don't have much here. But we could like chill at mine, watch a movie if you like?" She felt bad again. This is exactly what she'd do with Adam right now if things were a little different.

"Sounds great, just send me your address, I'll come by around five if you like?"
"Great, I'm looking forward to it!" Adeline said, hoping she'd sound as excited as him.

"See you bye."

"Bye!"

She couldn't believe herself. Adeline literally broke her best friends heart only a few hours ago and now she was having a date.

It took a while to make all signs of sadness disappear from her face. Her eyes once swollen were now covered with the perfect wing of black she painted on her face. Her body was covered by a jeans-bodysuit that looked casual enough for whatever this was but chic enough to impress.

Logan arrived right on time and Adeline buzzed him in. He looked good his dark skin, still glowing like on the day he gave her his number. He must taken good care of himself, she thought and liked the thought before she remembered why she really invited him and felt ashamed again. He just wore a white shirt with a pair of slacks but it all fitted him very well.

They talked a lot and it took her mind off of things, until they were done eating their dishes of chinese food and he leaned in. She let it happen, it felt good, he was good at kissing, she noticed. Adeline didn't plan this to be such a date, but she wouldn't want to stop either.

When she kissed back with a bit more force, Logan moaned lightly, his hand now covering her cheek, she pictured Adam in his place. And gave him her all. As if she could make everything up to him with dedicating herself to a fantasy.

*

After his chat with the couple Adam didn't feel like going to bed anymore. If she really loved him, like Nora said she did, he needed to hear it from her now. He now knew she had a hard time coping with "I love you's" but he came prepared now, he would just talk to her, perhaps hold her hands.

He knew the way to her flat in his sleep by now and arrived in no time, even from Jim's house. It was dark outside already but they always stayed up late, she'd still be up by now.

One of her neighbors just opened the front door of the house and was friendly enough to hold it open for him. He didn't recognize him and he liked that. It was probably because he seemed to be in his late 50s, barely anyone from this age group ever came up to him. The bald guy unlocked the door to his flat in the fourth storey while Adam still had to climb up for a few more steps to be standing at her front door. Once he did, his heart couldn't stop pounding, he rang the bell. Nothing. He tried again. Come on, she had to be there, where else would she be? He rang the door again and when a barely clothed man opened the door, he believed his heart stopped beating.