2.1.53

Chapter One : Hope/Death

I held the envelope with as much care as possible, hoping this was a dream or maybe a dream come true. I never expected this envelope to arrive and now when it actually did I don't know if I even wanted this. For a moment I wanted this to not be what I was thinking but the name typed out in bold letters was mine.

For a moment I got stuck in my thoughts, stuck about what to do with it but then I decided not to pay anymore heed to it. I put the envelope in a drawer full of other letters or bills I kept piling over the years.

If I am not opening it, nothing will happen. Or at least that's what I thought.

"This was all a big mistake" I kept on thinking.

I wasn't thinking clearly the night when I ordered it. They said they will send a confirmation letter first before the transaction takes place. Perhaps this was the confirmation letter. No, it was definitely the confirmation letter. If I don't reply back maybe they won't confirm the product. Good thing, they have this policy of confirming first otherwise it would have burned a hole through my bank account and also, I....

The phone rang just then, breaking me from my thoughts. The caller id showed her face and for a moment I could feel my heart breaking all over again. Good thing was I at least changed her name from "My Love" to "Prinita"

"Hello" she said as soon as I picked up. Her voice still had the anger hidden into it.

"Hmm" I replied, trying to hold back myself from crying.

"See I don't love you anymore why don't you understand?" She said, clearly frustrated and pissed at the same time.

"Umm I am sorry" I replied, my voice almost breaking.

"Sorry? Now? Just please don't be a miserable guy, please stop sending me all these apology texts and please move on with your life" she said and disconnected the call.

"I am sorry" I whispered even though I knew there was no one on the other side.

I sat there on the floor, my tears wetting the t-shirt I am wearing, my sobs reaching to the family that lived next door. But I knew they won't bother to come and ask me if I am okay. Neither will she come and ask. Neither will anyone.

You see humans are a social animal and humans always liked to live in a group. The anomaly among humans are the lonely persons like me. People like me are doomed to be lonely all our life because a) no one wants to be with us and b) the very few who actually wants to, we push them away.

I took out my sleeping pills from my pocket. I always carry them with me even in my own house.

Sadness is a disease and every disease have a medicine. In case of sadness, the medicine varies from person to person. Some are strong, they can just battle through it. Some get drunk to forget there is a disease in the first place. Some fight, some have sex, some just lay in their cold bed until they no longer have any feeling left inside them. In my case, I sleep.

I popped a pill and lie there on the cold floor of my drawing room. The memories, the regrets, the sadness taking ahold of me, the tears and the sob continue with it, until I fall asleep.

When I woke up, it was almost sundown. I sat up and unlocked my phone. No new notifications. I felt my stomach grumble, I haven't had a bite from the morning. I got up and felt dizzy so I hold on to the walls for balance and carefully made my way towards the refrigerator.

I put my thumb on the door and the opaque glass door turned transparent, it was empty except some beer bottles. My dizziness was gone by then. I leaned back onto my refrigerator. The kitchen seemed messy to me. I walked into the living room and the scene was all the same. The books were spread across the room, the clothes piled up in one corner, the coffee mugs scattered in various places. The bedroom was no different.

You don't realize how much a person is important beyond the love and care you lost. The small things that you don't have to think because someone has already done it for you. Tiding up your room or making a cup of coffee when you have to work all-night or perhaps your shoes sits neatly in the shoe rack even though you are pretty sure you have left them scattered when you came home from work last night.

I made a mental note of tiding up my room. I will tidy up and let go a small part of her from me and will continue to do all those small yet significant tasks by myself, letting go of her little by little.

I wore the jacket and made my way into the street. I need to put something in my stomach or else I won't even get a chance to clean my room.

I took out the transparent slab of glass from my pocket and tapped twice on it. The glass slab lit up and I scanned my fingerprint into it. My bank balance popped up in it. E-currency cards made wallets or even phone banking obsolete.

The roads were jammed. Everyone was returning from work. Some of them on their hover-scooters, some walking, some driving their electric cars. I took out my phone again, which was also just a slab of glass with a metal frame in the edges and a bit thicker. And tapped on it twice, the screen appeared. I wrote a quick email to my boss, asking for overtime. I decided to drown myself in work and stop self-destructing myself.

I saw an affordable Chinese food place after walking a couple of minutes. I sat down in a corner table and ordered some food. I took out my phone to note down the list of things that I need to buy from the grocery store on the way home and the first thing I notice is a new message notification.

But before I could click that my phone started ringing. It was my sister. She only calls me when she needs money or the guy she is dating turns out to be a jerk. And I didn't want to hear about yet another of her failed relationship dilemma so I decided to let it ring. But when she called for the second time, I knew that something was wrong. I picked it up immediately.

"Bhai... Bhai...." She was sobbing.

"What happened? Are you okay?" I said loud enough to make all the persons in the restaurant turn their heads towards me. I didn't care at that point.

"Bhai...Dad...Dad is no more..."