2.1.53

Chapter Three : Death Wish

I decided to walk my way back home. I needed some time to wrap my mind around things. The world I put together in the last seven years was crumbling down to ground right in front of my eyes and I was left helpless. I wanted to disappear somewhere or at least not stop walking until I felt all right.

But at the end of the day it was life and things happen exactly parallel to what you want. I was walking aimlessly until my legs had no strength left to put another step forward. So, I sat there on the street beside a streetlight. I looked at my shadow and for a moment I wanted to be it. Or perhaps the road, or the car passing me by. I wanted to be any inanimate object, I wanted to not feel anything, anymore. I sat there until I had no more tears left to cry and my stomach started to grumble.

I saw a supermart few meters ahead and so I stumbled across the street and made my way inside. There weren't much people inside. A hologram of a middle-aged women greeted me all of a sudden which almost startled me. I quickly made my way into the food section.

I picked up some frozen vegetables and some other canned products, a few bottles of water and some soda and proceeded to check out when I remembered to buy some canned fish for the stray cat that comes to my window.

The fish and meat section were further behind. As I was walking up to that, I heard soft giggles and sounds of kissing from a nearby aisle. I didn't want to disturb any young couple and decided to silently make my way so as not to hinder their privacy. A few years back, I and Prinita used to make out at ridiculous places and supermarket aisles were on that long list of places too. I reached the fish section and took a can of tuna and turned to return for checking out when I couldn't stop myself from looking at the couple. It was the second biggest mistake of that day.

I felt my heart sinking into a void that suddenly appeared inside of me followed by my insides twisting and getting sucked into that void. I recognized the hair first and then the hands and then I could see the face from the side. It was Prinita, wrapped around the arms of a stranger, a few aisles ahead of me. She was kissing him like it was the end of the world. Or perhaps she was kissing that stranger like that because she was finally able to get out of my world. She seemed happy, I could see her hand ruffling through that guy's hair and the guys hand fondling at her bosom.

There was a storm of questions in my mind and the emotions came down like a heavy rainstorm but there was one question that echoed the most within me.

"It has just been two weeks. How could she move on in just two weeks?"

I had no answer so I kept on staring at them until I struggled to take a breath. The questions in my mind intensified and kept on getting louder and louder and then complete silence.

I remember running away from there, I remember the cans falling on the floor of the mart and making a noise, I remember almost getting hit by a car, I remember running as fast as I could and I remember as I fell face first into the floor of my drawing room as soon as I reached home but nothing more than that.

My nose started bleeding and I tasted metal but it didn't hurt. I got up and sat on the couch, I had no tears left to cry. I was drowning and I wasn't going to save myself.

The voices inside me intensified. Mom, Dad, Shruti, Prinita- I am a disappointment to everyone I love. Maybe my boss is disappointed in me for not being on time, maybe my publisher too for not turning a chapter every week, maybe the baker lady on the street across whose bills I forget to pay every time I visit, maybe I am a disappointment to everyone.

I wanted it to not hurt, I wanted to either stop the pain or make myself numb, for I was never strong enough to face them.

I wanted my pain to end but there was no way. If only I could just disappear. But then it hit my mind, I do have a way. My body was too exhausted to move so I stumbled, fell and crawled myself to the drawer of bills. I took out the envelope with my name on it, the envelope I received in the morning.

I tore open the envelope and see a folded sheet of paper inside. I opened it to find just a single line of random numbers and alphabets and characters and the website name watermarked throughout the entire sheet.

I knew exactly where to put it. I turned on my laptop and opened the browser. I put down the site name 'Esmeda'. The website pooped up, the homepage showing the one line I needed the most in life:

"Die in the safest and peaceful way possible"

That was the line that has drawn me towards it the night before and it turned into my only option, my rescue or perhaps the exact opposite.

I scrolled through the entire homepage again. Esmeda claimed to help people end their life without the struggle related to it and the cherry on the top was that you could choose how you want to die. Even though I didn't quite understand how and when I will choose. Even though I was drunk last night I wanted to see the options available but I couldn't find it out. I hoped for some animations of scenarios of deaths and I could choose. Maybe it was after I confirmed my death wish.

So I clicked on the confirm your death button at the bottom of the home page. A page opened requiring my e-currency card details for the fees and at the end a box saying 'enter confirmation code. One attempt remaining'

I carefully typed the numbers from the letter onto the box and checked again. There was no margin of error. I hovered the pointer above the enter button but I couldn't press it.

A part of me was still waiting for a last hope. Even though I could feel the darkness eating me, there was a part of me inside that wanted to shine. I wanted the pain to end but I also wanted to live, to just force my way through everything. My regrets, my guilt, all my decisions were staring at me waiting for an answer but I couldn't look back.

I broke down in tears and kept on crying and punching my face until a message popped into my phone.

It showed 'Prinita. 2 new messages'. I remembered getting a text in the restaurant and I didn't get a chance to open it. It was her earlier as well.

Maybe I still had one hope left, maybe she could save me a second time as well. Seven years back she became my shelter when I left home, maybe she can be my refuge again. Maybe I was standing just at the door of my home.

I opened the messages. The first one read:

"This will be the last conversation we had. I stopped loving you a long time back, back when you started getting over-possessive about me, back when you started to control every aspect of my life. You lost me and just to save you, I took all the blame to myself and walked out of this relationship. You kept on asking why? Now you know your answer."

The second one read:

"I know it was you in the supermart and yes I am with someone else now. I am with someone who actually makes me happy. I moved on, I hope you do the same. Goodbye"

The home before my eyes disappeared. It was just a mirage. I walked too far away from my home and I was lost. Or maybe I had one way left.

I closed the message and clicked on submit. The code got accepted but to my surprise there was no choice of death. The company lied about that part. All it showed was a line in big bold letters.

"Congratulations on choosing to end your life"