2.1.53

Chapter Two : Goodbye

There wasn't much traffic and the cab driver was pulling a decent 60 on the speedometer but somehow the road seemed endless. I tried to look outside but it was all a blur. The tears weren't stopping and this is one of those instances where I have to face my sadness instead of drowsing off to sleep.

Dad was on Metrotine Hospital, mom and my sister were with him. I didn't even know Dad was hospitalized. I could have been there for him, for once I could have been the son he wanted me to be. I tried to call Shruti, my sister again, it remained unanswered.

It took a couple of minutes more to reach the hospital. I tapped the e-currency card on the window and it accepted the payment. I hurried in to the hospital. Receptionists were a thing of past, I just had to scan my fingerprint and the AI voice model gave me the room number.

My stomach churned inside, the sadness and the regret and the guilt closing in on me as fast as I took a step towards the room where Dad was sleeping peacefully at last. I wiped my tears. I decided, for once, not to run away from my responsibilities as a son and a brother. I have to be strong now.

I arrived in front of the room and took a sharp breath as if trying to suck in the strength from the air around me. I unlocked the door and the first thing I saw was Mom. She was howling and Shruti was trying to hold her and calm her down. Then I saw him, laying motionless on the bed, his body covered in a white sheet except the face. The monitors in the wall were all showing a flatline as if to make us feel what happened over and over again, as if to strip away any hope.

I felt my knees weaken. I closed my eyes to gather every ounce of strength I have, to face my family but, before I could, I felt a sharp sensation in my face. A slap. I opened my eyes to see Mom raising her hand for another slap. I didn't stop her. She slapped me twice, thrice, again and again until Shruti finally grabbed her hand to stop her. I was looking down; my face and ears were burning.

"Why did you come now?" Mom shouted at me.

"Maa... please not now" Shruti tried to interrupt

"Why now? Why after all these years you finally decide to show up? I know why. Because you finally got what you wanted isn't it? See him" Mom pointed towards the bed, "See he is dead, are you happy now?"

"Maa... please, I beg you not now" Shruti said again.

I stayed silent. I knew it was coming and I wanted to hear it all.

"Seven years, Shiru, Seven years. You could have come home but your ego was bigger than your own family. He died every single day to see his son, he tried everything to get you back but you were never there for him. He called you for years, how many time you called, Shiru? He apologized, wrote letters, even stayed a whole night in front of your house, what did you do? When you published your first book, he was there in the launch event in the corner clapping for you. Were you there for him when he was getting his kidney transplant? Were you there for him when he couldn't walk and use a wheelchair. Were you ..." her emotions caught up her voice.

"Maa please stop please" Shruti kept on requesting.

I was feeling weak again, my knees couldn't hold the weight of all these guilt, all these regrets.

"Shiru, he was your father. He was worried for you, he nagged about your studies and your future because he was worried. He shouted at you because he wanted you to work hard, he slapped you that day because you raised your voice at him. He regretted it till he breathed his last. He missed his son and you never came back." Maa said, she seemed lost.

Shruti was looking the other way. Life won, all four of us lost.

"Shiru, if you want your father to at least not suffer after his death, please leave" Maa said, her voice filled the silent hospital room, "That's the least you can do for him."

"Maa what are you saying?" Shruti tried to stop her.

"The truth. He will just be a burden and a tale of regret to his father, I don't want him to cry tears for his father or show his sympathies now, it is just too late."

Burden. Regrets. Guilt. Just too late. The words kept on hitting the walls of my brain and ricocheting just to increase its intensity every time it hit. It kept on hitting, the intensity kept on increasing.

The moments that followed were all a blur. I walked out of the room, Shruti tried to stop me but I yanked her hand. The walls were closing on me. The feeling of emptiness was washing away everything. I got out of the hospital and stumbled towards the parking lot.

I sat on the pavement, my face resting on the palms. I tried with every bit of my strength to not break down on the lonely parking lot. I saw Shruti running towards me. She sat beside me and we sat there in silence fathoming how our lives changed through the years. She was closer to Dad and I was closer to mom. When we were younger we used to hate each other for this very reason and now we both lost our favorite person. Life won yet again.

"Give mom some time she will come around" she broke the silence.

"Hmmm" Even though I wanted to, I couldn't put my faith on it.

"You be all right okay? Take care of yourself and Mom" I said to her, "If you need any help from me just call"

I stood up to leave.

"You take care of yourself too. I will try to make mom understand" She said.

I smiled faintly and asked, "Will you do me a favor?"

She nodded her head.

"Will you say Goodbye to Dad for me, please?"

She nodded her head again, tears brimming in her eyes. I started walking back to the road.

At the end life is just a series of saying goodbyes to things/persons/memories you loved, cared and nurtured. But the ones that hurt the most are the ones that are left unsaid. All through my life I wished to hug my Dad once and to hear from him that he was proud of me and it pained me that I couldn't anymore but it pained me more that I couldn't even say him goodbye.