As life goes, so do I

Alive?

I wish I could go back to the time where I felt violently.

 Felt other emotions to some extent of extreme. 

Anything and everything 

besides cathartic depression, crippling numbness, and critical loss. 

I went outside to observe all of the living nature.

Tadpoles swam in the green murky water of the jacuzzi;

Trees swayed against the clear, blue backdrop of the sky;

Tempting flowers begged me to come closer despite my allergy to pollen.

Spring; a season so beautiful but brutal.

I wanted to enjoy the scenery as I roughly glided on my penny board

but my eyes burned to be scratched, swelling with irritation; 

my nose running fluidly and smoothly 

compared to my jagged;

faltering

uneven steps to propel me forward. 

My wobbly legs and weak knees threatened to give under; 

to let me fall and feel the very real hard concrete collide against my flesh;

I could already feel the throb of rattled bones with my unbalanced body 

on top a small, retro teal board supported by pink thick gel wheels. 

And yet, I felt disconnected, untethered from the physical world, my physical body.

How could it be, that I, 

witnessing the wildlife in my backyard, tamed it may be. 

dealing with my terrible, seasonal allergies, 

feel an indefinite nothing-ness?

My aimless skating had lead me to this indefinite depth of emptiness

After the 10th time of slipping off my board, I had begun crying;

the tears wouldn't stop

they raced down my face in streams

competing with my runny nose

I tried to give up on the sad pangs; 

but instead, the wheels stopped rolling. 

I sat on my board, staring in a blurred gaze. 

Trying to focus and observe all the living nature in front of me. 

I was stuck between being present, choosing the now moment;

and the desperate need to remember a time when I could feel violently.