As life goes, so do I

away with you

I traveled to this island with you
A getaway escape
A spontaneous summer midnight rendevouz
Just like that
I packed my bags and walked away from everything that i knew

And while i thought that i was happy to start life anew
I greived
I wasn't just homesick
I was displaced.
This wasn't a vacation.
Afterall refugees are not tourists.

I certainly found myself in uncharted waters
Even reveling in exploring this new life with you
As if there was no shoreline, no limits

But i soon learned that this island wss small
I constantly traced the borders of our new home
4 white walls, 269 sq. Ft
And everyday it seemed to shrink
Much like mother nature, erosion is inevitable
I found myself shrinking smaller too,
To take up less space so that you could be comfortable
To shrink my dreams to convince you that i was happy with what we were
Like waves constantly ebbing on the shoreline, so too was my sadness
Ebbing away at my heart, my self esteem.

I was eroding
Little bits of myself given away to undercurrents of guilt and blame
Before i knew it
I was so small
Insignificant to you like particles of sand

As much as you try, you can't hold sand
I was slipping away from your grasp
I was slipping away from myself
And as much as you tried
To build a shelter out of me
I couldn't hold you.

When nights would pass,
You would always look for danger
Anticipating the next time you could get hurt
I would always wonder what was in the dark that scared you
I didn't notice that what you were looking out for
Was me.
I became the danger you were scared of
Once warm loving glances
Soon turned cold, frightful

Our getaway escape
What i thought to be a happy ever after
Turned into a chapter from Lord of the Flies

So i slowly retreated inward
Kept myself to a small corner of our island
A desk no bigger than myself
Afraid of my slipping sanity
Terrified of the violence of my emotions
tsunami waves of rage that rose way above the surface of our pretend happiness
I forgot that natural disasters are never as unexpected as they seem.

Slowly but surely, we drifted apart
Like sand receding into the ocean
I sunk rock-botttom
Meters below, miles back to my family home

But i wasn't lost at sea,
Rather returned to the source of my soul
Like magma spewing,
forcing its way,
spreading the sea floor to make the world anew
My anger, my hurting was making way
To be released and cool
I'll soon have a new foundation to stand on.

I am returning to myself
Accepting who i am and used to be
Using the space between us now
To take up more space for myself
I didn't have to shrink
My dreams
My needs
To be happy

I just had to let go
Release my grasp on this sinking island
To float along the vastness outside of our relationship
Where Learned lessons become lighthouses in the distance

I look back at the island disappearing in the distance
To see you sending me SOS signals
To somehow get me to "fix this" by myself
I wish only for you to find happiness
Return to your old self before i weighed you down
For you to learn how to float and swim across your own oceans

I'm leaving this island with or without you
A getaway escape
An unprompted mid spring move
Just like that i packed my bags and walked away from you.