More than just cake - Lawliet x OC -

Benzos

Thanks for the amazing support. It makes me incredibly happy to see that people are reading this fic.

I feel like I should say something about this chapter. Maybe a trigger warning? There are some heavy suicidal thoughts in this one - and in many chapters to come. So if you're struggling with that kind of things in your life, I'm not sure if you should read this. 

I was going through a very difficult time in my life when I wrote this, and maybe it shows. Deep waters, as I said. Love and death is all I know.

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Fay sat by the table in her room, holding her head in her hands.

The grief inside of her chest was like a wild beast, tearing her apart with sharp claws. Every breath was painful to take, every heartbeat felt like an arrowpoint digging into the muscle of her heart.

She was falling into an endless pit of darkness, where no light would ever find her.

There were 28 benzos on the table in front of her, and her handgun.

If one pill is 15mg, will 28 of them be enough to kill me?

Probably not, she thought. Hence the gun.

She turned her gaze to the pistol, laid her hand on it. The metal was cold to touch, smooth under her fingers. But the thought of taking it, bringing it to her head, made her nauseous. She doubted she could actually pull the trigger.

Her mind wandered to the few remaining painkillers that were strong too. Should she take them as well? And gulp them down with wine? How much wine could she drink so that the alcohol would boost the effect of the drugs and still not make her throw up?

This wasn't the first time she had thought about suicide, but this was the firs time she knew she'd go through with it.

"If you die, I want to die with you."

"Then you would kill the only thing I have ever loved."

L's words. They had a blaming tone in them, and Fay made a sound, half sob, half curse.

He had wanted for her to go on living.

But what did he know? It was easy for him to say - he was dead. He wasn't the one left alone in this misery, where every breath was torture, every second was an eternity, every heartbeat a cause of sickening pain.

First take the pills. Then shoot your brain to the wall. Easier that way.

Fay slid her fingers on the smooth surface of the table, and took the first benzo. The pill was small, white, innocent looking. She knew that with it, came peace and oblivion. But no oblivion could save her from this torment. No amount of benzos could make this life worth living now.

A world without L.

There was no way, no way, Fay could live in that world. The mere thought was absurd. As if a flower could live without sunlight, a human without air to breath.

She took two small tablets, and swallowed them with water. They tasted sweet on her tongue, with a bitter aftertaste. Her hands were shaking.

He had always been with her. Always. Since the first day in Wammy's house, he had been by her side. Even when she had left, the years without his presence, he had been with her, in her heart, in every breath she took.

Just knowing he was alive, that he was out there, had been enough for her. But now?

It was simple in the end. She had nothing worth living for.

Two more benzos. She gulped them down without hesitation.

And then, a memory. Something stirred in her mind.

Fay stopped, laid her hands on the table. Her eyes popped open.

There was something you were supposed to do. Something L asked of you.

The USB flash drive.

Fuck!

"What's in here?"

"Everything."

Fay got up from her chair and stumbled to the living room to find her purse.

I don't have to live, to get this information to Roger. I can just mail it to Wammy's house.

There was a Family Mart in the corner, with postal service. She could easily walk there and just slip the USB disc into an envelope, before continuing with her plan. It would be her last gift to L, it would help bring down that bastard Kira, and---

It felt like her heart stopped.

The USB drive was gone.

Her knees gave in, and she collapsed to the couch. Her hands were trembling, as she went through the purse again. And again. Until she was sobbing, turning the purse upside down so that everything fell to the floor.

Lipsticks, tissues, keys, hand cream, phone... but not the item she was searching for. It was not there.

Fay stared at the mess on the floor for a few heartbeats, a cold calmness spreading to her bloodstream.

She was sure the drive had been in her bag. She never lost things - not the important ones. She might have ADHD, but it only made her that much more careful with her stuff. The USB flash drive had been in her bag, but now it was gone.

Not gone, she knew. Taken.

Her hands had stopped shaking. She didn't know if it were the benzos, or the fact that she was scared shitless and lost all hope.

"What's in here?"

"Everything. I need you to guard this with your life."

And now... it was gone.

All data deleted. The flashing screens filled Fay's closed eyelids. All data was gone, and now the flash drive too. That meant... that there was only one way to take the information home.

Her brain. The one that was supposed to be scattered all over the wall in a minute.

What now? What the fuck do I do now?!

Desperation tasted like vomit, burning acid on her tongue.

She bent down, letting the purse fall from her fingers. Her face twisted into a silent cry of despair. The tears still refused to run free, she only tasted them, like iron in her throat. She could hardly breath.

No way she could die now. That would mean that everything L had done... would be in vain.

Light's gonna come for me next. A thought flashed through her mind. He knows. He has the flash drive. He knows I was going to run away with it. There's no way he's going to let me go now.

Fuck!

Fuck this, fuck everything! Fuck Light!

Her breathing shaky, her legs trembling, she dug her fingers deep into the couch. She was waiting for the pain to crush her chest, her heart to stop beating any second.

Think, think, damn it!

Why aren't you dead already if he could kill you? Maybe... maybe you can still make it?

She was still alive, and suddenly the magnitude of it, overwhelmed her. She was still breathing, her heart was still beating, no matter how much it hurt.

She could not let Light win.

Even if it was the last thing she did, she'd get the information to Wammy's house. She'd see to it, that Light would die!

With a cold determination she picked up her phone, and dialed.

"Chief Yagami... it's me, Fay. Could you please come up to my room? There is something I need to ask of you."