" 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚊𝚛𝚎 𝚕𝚒𝚐𝚑𝚝 ,, || killugon oneshots

𝚠𝚒𝚝𝚑𝚘𝚞𝚝 𝚢𝚘𝚞

TW: major character death
this is angst
or worse i don't even know

Killua's POV:

There is no worse pain than watching your best friend die in your arms right as he tells you he loves you.

Because at that moment, all hell broke loose.

Gon Freecss, age 12 when I met him.

Age 16 when he died.

I was also 16. Even though I'm younger than him, mentally, I'd always felt older.

I'm? Was? Do I use present or past tense?

Probably past.

Dead people don't age.

I can still remember how I watched the light die from his eyes.
His last words being "I'm sorry."
His final breath on my cheek.
The deadweight that set into my arms as he lost consciousness for the final time.

I remember it all too well.

All too damn well.

My voice went hoarse from screaming. My throat had ached so much.

You're probably wondering how he died.

Gon once told me that Hisoka said he wouldn't kill him, not yet at least.

Does that answer your question?

I hate that damn bastard.

I can't believe we trusted him a few times.

But the worst thing about Gon's death, was how it broke me.

I haven't smiled since.

If... if Gon knew this, if he were still here, he'd try to make me smile. He wouldn't want me to be sad over him.

I can almost imagine him saying

"Killua, don't cry over me! I still want you to be happy!"

I wish I could, Gon.

But I can't be happy without you.

His death made me realize how terrible I am.

I was never scared of death until then. I'd always been able to avoid it for myself.

While bringing it upon others.

Such is the life of an assassin.

Such is the life of a monster.

I wondered how many people I've killed, that I've taken from their best friends or families.

All the less reason to smile.

It should have been me, Gon.

I should be the one dead.

But...

I wouldn't want you to have held me in your arms as I bled out.
And stopped breathing.
Stopped seeing.

But you would probably find another best friend.

Because you're nice
And happy
You were so happy almost all the time
And it made me happy
You were the only one who made me happy—

I guess what I'm trying to say is
I love you.

And before you had said "I'm sorry"
You had said you loved me, too.

But I don't know if you meant as a friend or more

And I'll never know.

I'm not the only one who lost you.
Kurapika, Leorio, your aunt Mito and Grandma.

Everyone you've ever been friends with

We all lost you, Gon.

I'm sorry that it wasn't me instead.

I love you, Gon.

A/N: yeah this one was really spur of the moment of me to write and it kinda bothers me how it shifts from second person to him talking "to" gon but my friends liked it lol