" 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚊𝚛𝚎 𝚕𝚒𝚐𝚑𝚝 ,, || killugon oneshots

𝚏𝚛𝚊𝚗𝚌𝚒𝚜 𝚏𝚘𝚛𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚛

A/N: this chapter is actually part of a fic i plan to write!! i haven't figured out all the details but if i could get some feedback on whether people are interested in it or not, that'd be great !!!

it's based on the song i will (hopefully, sometimes wattpad is screwy) have linked above!!

oh fuck i forgot to mention SPOILERS FOR THE CHIMERA ANT ARC AND ELECTION ARC-

3rd Person POV
"I... don't know what to do without him. Shit." Killua admitted. To no one in particular, really. He looked at his hands, which were folded into fists. In anger? Frustration? Some sort of sense of being upset, that was for sure. He unfurled his hands and placed them palms up.

"I... don't even know what to do anymore." He thought to himself. It wasn't that he had felt like the most confident person on the Earth before Gon, but ever since parting with him, Killua really had nothing to do. Sure, he was taking care of Alluka and spending time with her, but that was before. Both before and after.

Weird how things can be polar opposite, yet feel simultaneous.

He was with Alluka before he and Gon parted, and then a little after. Still, he didn't like how ever since Alluka had grown up enough to be able to take care of herself, he was so honestly alone. Killua, the intended heir of the Zoldyck family business, thought if he could handle having to kill people and endure all of the training and baggage that came with it, he could handle being alone.

And really, he'd never been so wrong in his life.

"What am I doing..?" He muttered to himself, looking over at the alarm clock beside him on his nightstand. The digital numbers, comprised of their little pixelated red lines, read 3:08 AM.

He put his head in his hands and sighed. He was supposed to be asleep hours ago, but he could handle staying up late for long periods of time. He didn't enjoy it nearly as much as he used to when he was a kid, but he could still manage it. He was 19 now, so it was far from a burden on his body.

As Killua waited for sleep to overtake his ever racing thoughts and still his mind, he began to wonder why was it that he was now 19 and still not reunited with Gon. Alluka said they could hang out once she had gotten enough quality time with him.

Killua snickered at the truth of the memory. She hadn't said hangout, the way she phrased things was more akin to a parent setting up a play date.

His expression both softened and dimmed at the memory. After all, it was the last time he saw Gon. His heart both warmed and ached at the thought of his best friend. Sure, Gon put him through some bullshit, but it was worth it because it lead to Alluka. It was worth it because Killua saved both of them.

It was worth it because Killua loved them.

And though he was trying to sleep, now that he let himself think of Gon, he just wouldn't be able to.

Unfortunately for Killua, time doesn't stop, so when he looked out of the window, the sun was just barely starting to rise and he could see a sliver of color along the horizon. He rubbed his eyes and yawned, figuring he'd stayed up longer and done more with less sleep, so he might as well seize the day.

After performing his usual morning routine, by 7 AM, Killua was ready to leave. He opened the door to the apartment he was renting, exited, then closed it. Opting for the stairs instead of the elevator for a change, he cleared the 2 flights below him with ease and pushed himself out into the world.

York New City really never sleeps, he mused to himself. After stopping by a local coffee shop to get himself a mocaccino. Truthfully, he had no need for the caffeine- but it was rich with chocolate, and that's all that mattered to him.

Killua decided to take a walk around the city, and found himself at a local park. As he strolled through, he noticed a quaint stone path that had trees on both sides of it. It was a pretty sight, something he could really appreciate about the city.

Killua turned his gaze upwards, towards the tops of the trees. The breeze rustled the branches and leaves, and the sunlight shone through the gaps.

Killua's breath hitched, and tears threatened to form in his eyes.

He would never consider himself to be an emotional person. Emotions were dead weight, but still, he felt them. And an enormous amount of them, just now. He was assaulted by the memory of when he thought of Gon as light, the way his best friend had assured him everything would be okay, it was all at the forefront of his mind.

And if that didn't make him want to collapse right then and there and sob and scream, Killua wouldn't know what would.

Thankfully, he averted his attention. "Damnit.." He cursed under his breath.

"I really really miss him..." Killua thought to himself. His emotions betrayed his mind, for Killua didn't want to feel the hurt of missing Gon, but he knew it was inevitable. He knew it was inescapable. It bothered him every day, and tried to get the better of him, provoke him into tears or something. And he'd been close, just like a few moments ago.

But he always pulled himself together in time.

Try as he might, Killua could never outrun the weight of missing Gon. He missed his best friend, but though he wasn't sure if he'd admit it to Gon, he thought of Gon as more than a best friend. And it ached every damn time he remembered, because his anxieties would always remind him that Gon could probably never feel the same. And that was quite possibly, quite expectantly, a fact of life. Nothing Killua could do about it. He tried to be his best for Gon, and be useful to him so that Gon wouldn't ever want Killua gone. Because that grew to be his biggest fear over time.

As everything swirled around his head, suddenly, being outside was too much. Being exposed to sunlight, the biggest reminder of Gon in the moment, was too much to handle. Killua felt panicked and achy, and wanted to lie down and cry. But of course, that wouldn't happen.

He wanted Gon to be there, he didn't want to miss Gon anymore.

But of course,
that wouldn't happen.

So he decided that he'd take himself back home, to the safety of his studio apartment, where only the thoughts hurt. He could close the blinds and curtains, and hide the photos. He could hide every last trace that would physically remind him of Gon.

Because while Killua had suffered brutal physical training (torture, really), so he could be an assassin, none of it could amount to how everything was bubbling up and threatening to boil over inside him right now.

He turned around and marched in the other direction, away from the tree-lined street, and walked away from the trees. But in his peripherals, he saw something that made him double take.

A few of the leaves were orange. Which was confusing at first, before Killua realized it was in fact, close to autumn. He just never expected it would feel like it came so soon.

Killua turned around a few seconds later and continued to make his way home, where the facts of life didn't hurt him as much. Because what was meant to be a nice, early morning walk, turned into an inner hurricane of emotions that he wasn't prepared for.

And you can't prepare for everything in life, but it would be nice if you had the opportunity to do so.

Because in all honesty, while Killua so desperately wanted to see Gon again, this made him realize he wasn't ready to, yet. It had been years, but he still wasn't ready.

He and Gon put each other through a lot, so Killua was still hurting for that. Maybe, somehow, Gon was still hurting over something, too. They both still needed time to process some things.

And though Killua put up with the shit show that came with being Gon Freecss's best friend, he wouldn't change a moment of it.

Because really, he'd do everything over if he could.

And maybe, that was stupid. Just maybe.

Killua didn't think he could ever be ready or prepare for when he and Gon would inevitably meet again down the line, he wouldn't be able to anticipate every detail.

But then again, he couldn't ever have anticipated Gon Freecss. And that was a fact of life he couldn't change, nor would he if given the chance.