Nefarious

It's all starting to piece together

"So I trapped your memories" 

My eyes widen as I look at Bambam

"You did what?!"

He shakes his head and I can see the tears pooling in his eyes, but he's not letting them fall

"She forced me Jen. I told you that Lisa was dating someone the last time I went to deliver, and then I think you and Adelpha slept together. After that she beat me until I agreed to give you the removal."

My eyes widen and I blush slightly

I guess old habit's don't die hard

I can feel the tension in Lisa's hand, but she doesn't say anything, and I don't look at her, guilt already building in my stomach

If what they're saying is true. She wasn't dating someone, but still was broken up with me. So what I did wasn't necessarily cheating, but if she wanted to date me after, then I'd still feel like a cheater.

"I trapped your memories instead of removing them. It was the only way. But when Adelpha caught wind of it, she told her Mother that we were plotting against her. So her Mother being her Mother, locked me up and went to grab the traitor kit"

I take a shaky breath and remove my hand from under Lisa's running both hands through my hair as I look down

"That's when we found out, and then Kev got you and we escaped."

They both nod but don't speak, allowing the tension to fill the room

"So is there a way to un-trap her mind?" Lisa asks, breaking the tension

"yeah, I just have to tap into her mind and break the barrier." Bambam says

Kevin gives them both a look before standing next to me protectively

"Yeah, but that's only valid if Jennie can cope with that. Remember her mental health before we did it was spiralling and quickly too. We barely managed to do the suppression because of it."

I look up at him and tilt my head

"what happens if it's not strong enough to cope with it?"

"You go into a frenzy and your trapped inside of your mind. The memories will be there, but you'll be almost in a coma. You wouldn't be able to speak, or interact with us." Bam says

"After a few months you'd be brain dead" Kevin adds

I look at Lisa, who looks just as shocked and frazzled as I feel

"The only way to know if you can cope with that is for you to answer us this."

Bambam bends down and puts both hands on the side of my head, staring directly into my eyes. His eyes flash a bright pink as he speaks

Oh fuck off

"Do you feel, you deserve happiness? Do you deserve Lisa?"

I freeze

Do I?

I don't know about the Lisa thing, because how am I supposed to answer that, if I can barely remember her?

But I find myself stuck on the thing of asking myself whether I deserve happiness, because honestly, I ask myself that everyday

My mind traces back to all the people I've hurt, all the people I've killed. The people I've treated like crap and the times I've acted like a spoilt little bitch.

It takes me back to when Adelpha's Mother first started to hit me. 

The blood that shot out of my arm, the audible cracking noise every time she kicked my ribs. The humiliation I felt from having it done in front of my brothers

"I-I want to be happy" I croak out, a wet feeling on my cheeks as Bambam continues to stare

"But every time I get closer to happiness. Something ruins it. I ruin it. I'm a ticking time bomb and I feel like I'm about to explode every day"

This is your life. And it's ending. One minute at a time

"I feel like I'm underwater, but the only one stopping me from getting out if me. I feel like I'm in a box, but I locked myself in." I sob out, eyes still open but blurry from the tears

Bambam wipes a few tears with his thumb as his eyes flash a deeper shade of pink

"So you want to die?"

"I'm scared to die. But I'm scared to live"

"But if you were given the chance. A clear chance. Would you live?"

I gulp slightly and allow my brain to fill my head with the memories I wish never existed.

I wish I never existed.

"yes."

a/n double update cuz why not? and here we have a quick peep into Jen's mental health and just like mine it's a mess :) there should be another update coming real soon too :))