Nefarious

I can't do this without you

I hold onto my head, now curled up in a ball as memories pound through my brain

The tears have stopped, but the pain hasn't

"I'm sorry" I whisper over and over again, hoping that everyone who needs to hear it, hears it

I walk into the white room, the slow dull beeps of the machine filling my chest 

"hey mama" I say, voice croaky from the last few nights of crying

Mama looks up from her book, her eyes are bloodshot and her once silky brown hair, now a patchwork of balding scabs and random long tangles of hair that created somewhat of an oily film on her face.

I swallow down any tears that threaten to leak from my eyes at the sight of the woman who used to be my Mama

"Jennie" she says quietly, voice hoarse and rough, as if she had been smoking all her life. When in reality, it's just because she screams out for help so often, it's taking everything from her

I walk over to her side, placing my cold hand on hers, trying not to flinch at the way her bones now stick out

"What's the matter darling? Can't bear to see me like this?" She ask's, a hint of bitterness laced behind the genuine concern

"Mama, I don't think I can do this without you" I admit, voice breaking slightly

"Do what meu doce?" she asks, looking at me in confusion

I shake my head and shut my eyes as the tears threaten to fall

If I can't be strong for her, I can't be strong for myself

"Anything Mama. Everything's falling apart and I can't do it anymore" I sob

My Mama tuts, and flicks my hand

"You listen to me Jennie. You are the strongest, smartest girl I know. You can do this. I know, it's hard watching someone you love die, but remember. God has his plans."

I open my eyes slowly, the sobs still escaping from my mouth as the tears run down my face

"then why does God have so much pain planned for me?" I whisper

I take a breath in and try to calm myself

I'm never gonna get out of here, if I'm constantly stuck in my own head

Removing my hands from my head, I hear a slight speech going on somewhere

I close my eyes and try to listen carefully

a/n- nope sorry you don't get to hear it here guys :)

I lean on the hallway wall, a cheap plastic cup in my hand as I listen partially to what Kevin's saying.

I feel a familiar pair of eyes on me, making me smirk as I take a sip of the cheap vodka

I look over at Lisa, Jisoo and Chaeyoung and while Lisa's not paying attention I motion with my hands for those to leave.

They nod and tell Lisa they're going to say bye to some guy.

Lisa nods and goes for a sip of her drink. I make my way over to her, waving breezily at Kevin.

I  smirk at Lisa as I  swirl my  beer slightly, teeth showing as I smile at her

"What are you thinking about?" I ask softly

She smiles and places a quick kiss on my lips, I hear her chuckling when I glare at some guy who was looking at her for longer than the recommended amount of time.

They get 3 seconds. After that they should stop or die.

"Miss Han. I didn't know she used to be a fighter"

I raise an eyebrow and frown slightly

"The lady that lives like two doors down from you?"

She nod her head and stand by my side, arm around my waist as she tries to cover up as much skin as possible when she see a group of douche's eyeing me.

I laugh and chucks back some of my  beer

"Y'know, I thought I was possessive?" I whisper in her ear

Lisa blushes slightly and fiddles with the material on the bottom of my top

"I'm not possessive, I'm protective. They're literally drooling over you" she mumbles, drinking some of the beer.

"I kinda like Miss Han. Sure she's seen me more times than I'd like, but it's fine I guess. I feel kinda bad for blowing her off when I was outside your door" I admit with a small shrug, head leaning on Lisa shoulder

Before Lisa can answer, Bambam rushes up to us, excitement very clearly in his eyes

"Jen, they have a arm-wrestling a few rooms down and some guy called Kai said he can beat you"

I feel the excitement rush through my veins as I look at Lisa, who has a smile on her face

"Pleasee, I promise I'll be good"

She sighs and remove her arm from my waist, holding my hand

"Lets go" She says, and I practically drag her to where Kai is.

My vision blurs as I try to pour a large glass of beer out for me and Jisoo, who looks like she's gonna be sick anytime soon

I manage to successfully pour them in the glasses with less on the table then before.

I push the glass to Jisoo, who takes it happily, and grab my own

"3 . .2 . .1 . .go!" I shout happily

I throw back the drink, it all getting perfectly in my mouth. I hear the crowd cheering in the background, but it sounds like it's in a different room. 

Everything goes blurry and and the walls start to spin slightly.

I notice Jisoo stumble over to a bucket, and vomit in it. Laughing I get up using the table as a balance as I go over to her, holding her hair up and patting her back. But still laughing loudly.

The last thing I remember is slumping down next to Jisoo, singing Trap Queen terribly before everything goes black.

Stumbling to my feet, I try to gain some control over the situation, using the words I heard as inspiration. Although the pink glow has disappeared, I know to go straight ahead.

"You can fucking do this. And if you don't. . well there's no if I don't" I try to motivate myself.

Barely dodging the sharp edges of memories, I make my way to the exit.

a/n special chapter next?