The Destruction of Love

The Pillow

Josephine POV

I know you might not be ready and I know it's bold what I'm about to do but I have to be honest Jo. I can't keep staying away from you. You are my happiness. I'm nothing without you that why I want you to be mine again. This time us being in a relationship I'm yours you're mine and we're exclusive." His words repeat over and over I'm my head. I know I heard him but I'm not sure if I actually or did if I'm having one of those dreams.

Does he want to be with me after everything I did to him?

He should hate me.

I'm surprised at the fact that he even wants to be in a relationship with me. I may look put together and look as if I'm doing well but in reality, I'm a mess. I've been going to therapy and getting better and better each day. I was getting so much better that I stopped going and I only go when I think it's necessary. But I have my moments.

My therapist and I have talked about me and Hero before. She said our relationship had a lot of issues we needed to work out but that it wasn't impossible for us to be together again. She said as long as I feel ready and I've gotten past my trauma and Hero is a safe place for me that there isn't a reason why we can't be together.

I want to be with Hero but I'm afraid I'm not sure if I'm ready to be in a relationship again with him. I don't want to lead him on any more than I already have. I want him to be happy he deserves it but I still need to figure things out before I want to be in a relationship with him again.

My therapist said that my trauma caused me to have commitment issues. She said that that's part of the reason why I left Hero six years ago. I'm afraid to commit to someone because I'm afraid they'll leave me or that they'll die just like my baby did.

That is why I want to be sure I'm ready to be with Hero again. I need to think if I'm ready to have that kind of relationship with him again.

I have no problem committing to work because I have control over that. But when it comes to life that's something I can't control it things just happen because that's the way life works.

"Hero I-I.." I stutter my mind and my mouth isn't connecting at the moment.

He cups my cheek and kisses my forehead "It's alright if you aren't ready to be with me yet I understand but I would like an answer before I leave which is Sunday."

"That's the problem, Hero." I yell getting irritated "I-I just—" I stop mid-sentence and start to sob. What the fuck is wrong with me? I have no right to cry.

"You have been nothing but patient and understanding with me. This is unfair to you. You deserve so much more than me." I sob against his chest inhaling his minty scent.

He strokes my hair and places a kiss at the top of my head "Love it's alright we've both made your mistakes in this relationship."

"No, it's not!" I yell.

Why can't he see I'm no good for him?

"Don't you see Hero I'm going to only drag you down with all of my problems plus—" I start to say but I shut my mouth. I was about to tell him about my commitment issues. He doesn't need to know that I may never be ready to commit to him. He doesn't deserve to hold onto hope that maybe one day I'll get over them and that one day I'll be ready to be with him because that's not the case. I don't know if I'll be ready to commit to him or to anyone for that matter.

"What? Jo love just tells me." He says standing up and running his fingers through his hair.

"I'm sorry Hero but I can't tell you," I say and sob even more my eyes hurt because of how much I've cried.