Is This Toxic?(Spencer Reid x Reader)

22) Daddy Please

TW: suicidal thoughts, description of torture, self-degradation if anyone feels I should add any other trigger warnings please let me know. Another long one but I think it's kind of good. Hope you enjoy.

- L

Spencer's POV:

"Alright Reid, what is going on between you and Y/L/N?" Hotch asks as I close the door to his office.

It took me a couple of minutes to finally collect myself but when I did I went straight to Hotch's office. "Nothing is going on between me and Y/N Hotch."

"Then why are you so upset that she's gone? You two do nothing but fight and now that she's missing you are being rude to everyone on the team including yourself. From how you've been behaving I can tell you blame yourself which you wouldn't do unless there was a reason. Rossi told me you have a key to her apartment. Why is that?" he asks.

"In case we need to get in." I say back.

"And why would you need to get in? If there is nothing going on between you two, why would you need a key to her apartment? Does she have a key to your apartment? Reid at this moment I don't care what you two are doing but, if you don't tell me what the hell you know about her I will not hesitate to fire you from this team."

He wanted to fire me. But I didn't know how to answer his question. I don't even know what Y/N and I are doing. I don't know what to call our situation. What do you call that? We're not friends with benefits because we're not friends. Is it like a casual hookup? Casual sex? Is that what you even call it? How can I possibly tell Hotch when I myself don't have an answer to his questions?

"Reid!" I was brought out of my thoughts by Hotch. He sounded annoyed but his face was just as it always was. It was like a stone wall. Not moving, with a ghost of a frown on it, just staring waiting for his answer to come.

"Look Hotch, I can't answer your question. I don't know what the hell Y/N and I are doing but we're doing something. I swear I don't know anything else. I only knew a bit about Joshua but I learned a lot about her with all of you guys. I blame myself because she was supposed to be with me when she was kidnapped and I feel bad for not realizing sooner that something was wrong. I just assumed she didn't want to come over. I didn't even call her! You want to know what I thought? I thought that she stood me up to sleep with a guy and not tell me! I thought she was a bitch for not calling me! Then the next day she doesn't show up and I go to her apartment to see she didn't even get inside and I find out she was kidnapped! Of course I am going to be upset, Hotch! I called a girl a bitch for being kidnapped! Kidnapped!"

I had never yelled at Hotch before. I had raised my voice at other members of the team but I never dared to do that to Hotch. I could feel eyes on the side of my head and I assumed the rest of the team and probably Y/N's parents were looking at us. But right now, I don't even care. I can't bring myself to care about any of them when all my mind can seem to focus on is Y/N.

"Ok Reid. I won't ask you about this again. And if you ever yell at me again, it'll be your last day at the BAU. We're all frustrated and mad. Let's not forget that the rest of us have actually gotten along with her for the last 11 years. We are closer to her than you are and we didn't even know this happened to her and for some reason you did. When we get back out there you will compose yourself and be professional. Do you understand? No more outbursts, and if you do have any, you won't work the case anymore. And if you have one bad enough you won't have a job anymore. Are we clear?"

"Yes sir. I'm sorry." I say as I rub my face with my hands.

"It's alright Reid. Now let's go and find her before something even worse happens to her."