Is This Toxic?(Spencer Reid x Reader)

27) No More of Us

Spencer's POV:

She kicked me out.

She thinks I don't care about her.

She said I don't care about her as much as she cares about me. She said that she'd break if we kept doing what we were doing.

She kicked me out of her apartment because she thinks I don't love her, and I didn't even say anything. I just left. Without a word. Without telling her how I feel. Because I can't.

I can't love her. For some reason, I can't bring myself to let myself love her. I know I do. God, do I know. I've denied it so many times that I was starting to believe it was true. I was only with her so much so I could clear my conscience.

But when she was kicking me out and telling me all those things about how she felt, I knew I loved her. And yet, I couldn't tell her. I'm a coward. It was on the tip of my tongue, waiting to just spill out and tell her that she's the love of my life. After so many years of denying that I had feelings for her, after all the time we've spent together, I finally know I am completely, utterly, and irrevocably in love with her.

I couldn't say it, though.

I don't know what to do anymore. She's hurting not just physically anymore but mentally as well. She's everything, and she thinks she's nothing.

My wallowing goes on for what feels like an eternity until a knock on my apartment door brings me out of my daze. Upon opening the door, I see JJ's worried expression. "What is it, JJ?"

My voice sounds hoarse. I'm being a bit of an ass, but truthfully, I could care less.

"You weren't answering any calls. I've been calling you for the last hour. Usually, you pick up your phone right away unless you're with Y/N. So, I asked Garcia to check your location and got worried when she said you were here. What the hell is going on? We were worried."

"Nothing is going on, Jennifer. I was sleeping and had my phone on silent."

Skeptical, she pulls out her phone and dials my number, only for the ringtone to sound in my bedroom. "It doesn't sound like it's silent. So, what's really going on?"

"Can't you see I don't want to talk about this? What is it that you wanted, huh? Why'd you call? It probably wasn't important based on the fact that it took you an hour of trying to get a hold of me to come check on me. I'm fine, by the way. Let's just drop the questions about me so you can tell me what you want and then get the hell out."

I looked at her face to see shock and anger lacing her features. It was only then that I realized she had dark circles under her eyes. They were red and puffy, like she had been crying earlier. Her clothes were wrinkled, and her hair was messy. She looked nothing like the JJ I'm used to seeing in the office, but like a ghost of herself.

Great, now I'm an even bigger asshole.

"Well. I'm not going to apologize for being worried. I was having flashbacks. To her screams. I keep hearing them, you know. How she was begging him. Pleading. She looked so bad. I can't get her image out of my head sometimes. She's always been so strong. Never backed down from a challenge. But then she looked so broken, tied to that chair. Like a little girl.

She was done. I saw it in her eyes. She thought she was going to die. I thought she was going to die. I called you because I didn't want to call her. She seems to be getting so much better. Your being with her has helped her so much. I didn't want to bring it up to her. I didn't want to bring up that pain. And we all know you're close. Don't deny that now. So I called you to ask how she's doing.

A bit selfish, I guess. I was just worried about her. We never knew. And we didn't get to her fast enough. I'm sure my flashbacks aren't as horrible and painful as hers, but they're there. I love her; we all love her, and just remembering her pain hurts. I just need to make sure she's okay without hurting her even more."

She stood in front of me with tears welling in her eyes. Once again, I felt like an asshole. Here, JJ is worried about Y/N and how she's doing, and I'm here in front of her, having caused her more pain. I couldn't look at her, so I turned my back to her.

"She's okay. Healing, both physically and mentally. Call her. She'll appreciate it. It'll make her feel loved, and that's what she needs. Love. Go ask her in person how she is, JJ. You don't need to go through me."

She was so quiet, I thought she had left. When I turned to look at her again, she was just staring at me.

"What?"

"What happened between you two? I know you'd be over there right now. You're always with her now. And yet, here you are, obviously upset. Tell me what happened, Spence."

"I can't." I walk to my living room, leaving her at the door, realizing I never invited her in. I plop on the couch with a sigh and hear my door close and lock and JJ's steps coming into the living room to join me.

"Why not? It can't be that bad, can it? You guys love each other. What could have possibly gone wrong?"

Her voice is soft as she asks. Just like Y/N's when she's talking to me. It's not as sweet in my ears as hers, though. No voice can ever be as sweet as Y/N's. No voice can ever be.

"I don't love her. I care about her, sure. But there is no love there. There will never be love. We weren't meant to be. She wanted me out, so I got out. Simple as that. It's time to stop whatever that was and be realistic. She and I weren't right together. It was a rude awakening. There was never love there. Just guilt. And I've helped her for longer than I needed to. For longer than I should have. My debt has been repaid. I don't need her, and she doesn't need me."

JJ scoffs beside me and stands up from my couch. Gone is the woman who came here worried about her friend, and in her place is an angry one. Why the hell is she angry? I'm telling the truth.

"Spencer, you might have succeeded in telling yourself it meant nothing, but to everyone around you, it's clear as day you belong. Stop feeling sorry for yourself, apologize, and make up. Tell her you love her because she's not going to tell you first."

She walks away and slams my door behind her as she leaves.

There's no point in telling Y/N anything. She doesn't care. She said she does, but if she cared, she wouldn't have kicked me out. I shouldn't have to tell her I love her first. She can do it herself. There's no point in wallowing now. She doesn't love me. Not like JJ thinks. Not like any of them think. I don't love her either. No matter what I wanted to believe.

A/N: I know it took longer than we all wanted, however I lost the password for this and just recently found it so I can finally post the rest of the book. Just four more chapter and the story is over. So excited for everyone to read this. Hope you all enjoyed!!

- L