Is This Toxic?(Spencer Reid x Reader)

21) Smart Girl

TW: Torture, Rape, Talk of Suicide, if anyone feels I need to add trigger warnings please let me know. Finally, background on Y/N is revealed and so is the Spencer situation. This is also so long editing felt like it was taking forever. Hope you enjoy. 

- L

He told you it had been a week. A week of him cutting you up, raping you, beating you, doing whatever he wanted, just because he could. You haven't shed a single tear. You were proud of yourself for that. Although, you're not too happy about it. The reason you hadn't shed a tear was because you were used to it. At first you did want to cry, so badly. But then, your body started to remember what it was like to have these things done to it. Yes the cutting was new but everything else was just the same.

The raping would always be the same. You knew when he was going to do it by the way he touched you. Anytime he felt like doing it he would put one of his hands on the back of your neck and move it up and down. You knew when that happened you had to prepare yourself. He would slide his hand from your neck to your chest and grope your breast. It never fails to make you feel disgusting.

He would lean down and whisper into your ear, "I bet you're going to be a good girl for me. I know you don't mean too. Not crying. I know you do that to try and get on my nerves but, when I touch you, I like that you don't cry." That always makes you want to throw up. You know he likes it when you don't cry then. You know it's not healthy for you to not cry but, you won't risk it. If you cry you break, and if you break, then may god have mercy on your soul.

He knew what he was doing. Anytime he would whisper in your ear or cut you or do anything to you and he saw you wouldn't cry, he knew that he was winning. It didn't matter that you didn't cry and you realized that now. You not crying made him try harder and harder to get you to cry. He knew that if you shed even one tear, that would be the end. You would let him do anything he wanted.

He would move his hand from your breast to your core. You always squeezed your eyes shut. He would then remove yours and his underwear. It disgusted you how much he enjoyed it. Growing up you thought that what you were going through at the time was the worst it got. But, you were so wrong.

It's like everything he did to you as a child he did to prepare you for this moment. You hoped to god it hadn't actually been a week because you don't know how much longer you can last. You've been holding onto the hope that Spencer has figured it out and that the team will burst through the door any minute and you will be safe and sound. At least that's what you're hoping will happen.

When Emily "died" it took the team six months to be able to get her back. Granted we didn't know she would be back but she was back nonetheless. When Spencer went to prison it took us three months before we were able to get him out. In both of these situations we were trying our hardest.

What if they aren't trying their hardest to find you. What if they didn't want to find you. Yes, you were kind of a part of the family and you and Spencer's relationship had gotten a bit better but, did they really like you? I mean it took you a while to be able to trust them fully and before you were able to be comfortable with them but eventually you did.

You went to all of the team outings, to JJ and Hotchs kids parties, when it was one of the team members birthdays you got them presents, you opened up to them about certain things.

Maybe you weren't as close with them as you thought you were. If you didn't trust them enough to tell them about Joshua maybe you weren't as close as you initially thought. And if it weren't for Spencer's meddling he wouldn't know. He definitely wouldn't know. The closest someone has gotten to hearing about Joshua from you was JJ when you got a call from the prison he was at saying he was in the infirmary.