Is This Toxic?(Spencer Reid x Reader)

26) So This Is Love

You woke up with a slight headache and arms wrapped around your stomach softly. Immediately you knew who they belonged to. You had gotten so used to them over the last couple of months that there was no mistaking who it was cuddled up next to you.

How he got there you had no recollection, but you were not about to complain. You snuggled closer to him and heard him hum. It brought you so much joy to be waking up in his arms. He was such a constant source of comfort, you wished he would never let you go.

Sure, you had told the girls the night before that you didn't, or couldn't, have feelings for him but, goddamn, it was time to stop lying to yourself. You were in love with Spencer Reid and proud. In your head. You were not going to admit that out loud. But, in your head, you were screaming from the mountain tops that you were in love.

You had some doubts. You weren't convinced he was genuinely being nice sometimes. You thought he was just being nice to clear his conscience. Other times, you think he's the best person in the world who loves you back. He takes care of you, he's there for you, he seems to care for you as deeply as you do for him.

But does he really? Or is that just wishful thinking on your part?

He's messed up in the past. So have you. Neither of you are perfect. But, as you've gotten closer, you've changed. To you he's not the annoying smartass anymore, yes sometimes he can be a smartass, but you've grown to love him, nonetheless.

There is so much hope in your heart that he feels the same way. That he found a way to love you like you found a way to love him. You hoped with everything you had that he found a way to get past all of the old bad things and look at all the new, beautiful things you guys had.

"You're awake." Spencer said, pulling you out of your thoughts.

"Yes, I am. And so are you, finally. I've been waiting for you to wake up and free me, Doctor." you say softly hoping he wouldn't somehow read your mind and know what you were thinking about.

"Sorry." He said while freeing you. You didn't actually want him to let go, but you had to think of something quick and that was the first thing that came to mind to say.

"Don't worry about it. I have a headache and I was just trying to gain my composure before actually getting up."

"Do you remember anything about last night?" He sounded skeptical as he asked, causing you to furrow your brows in confusion. "Well, I don't remember why you're here, but I do remember having a drink or two, or seven, so that's probably why. Definitely shouldn't have drunk right after taking my medication."

"Did you just say you had seven drinks?" Spencer asks, shooting up into a sitting position.

"Maybe. Look, things got a little carried away, but I had so much fun Spence, I wish I would have let you stay."

"Y/N. You realize you just said you had seven drinks last night, right? Why would you do that? You know how dangerous I've said it is to do that. You should have been smarter about that. You can't just do what you want. Use your brain Y/N." He stands and goes off to the bathroom leaving you to chase, or more slightly wobble, after him.

"Hold on. Don't be so mean. I know I shouldn't have drunk, but I did. I'm an adult that can make her own decisions. Come on Spence. I thought we were past the insults and rude remarks." This was one of those moments that made you question everything.

A small poke that didn't seem like one but definitely was. He said it with no hesitation. Maybe it was second nature to him. After over a decade of working like that it came naturally to both of you. But you put an effort in trying to stop. And after a month you succeeded in stopping the remarks altogether. So, if you could stop, how come he couldn't?

He didn't love you.

He puts no effort in stopping because he didn't love you.

He's speaking. You can hear him speaking but your mind is too far away to actually listen. You walk out of the bathroom into your kitchen. Your mind is reeling. You had hope. You were finally able to fall in love with someone. You let your defenses down for someone you shouldn't have, and you fell in love with him.

Idiot.

You knew you shouldn't have. You were always so careful. You never let yourself fall in love with anyone. Sure, you loved friends and family, but you never loved someone romantically. You were always afraid it would turn out like the relationship between your mother and Joshua. But you let your guard down with Spencer. No, not Spencer. He wasn't Spencer anymore, he was Reid.

You felt him touch your back. He asked what was wrong.

"I need you to leave Reid."

"What?"

"Leave. Right now. I don't want you here." You couldn't look at him. You had been making up fantasies in your head. Delusions are what they are. Why would Spencer Reid ever love you? Why would anyone ever love you romantically? Why should you love anyone romantically? Love is a joke.

"Y/N-" you cut him off before he could finish. "Reid, I need you to leave my apartment right now. I don't want to talk about it. Get your stuff and leave. All of it. Your clothes, your toothbrush, your mugs, your blankets, everything you own. It needs to be out of here."

"Y/N, what the hell is your problem? I'm mid-sentence and you walk out of the bathroom and now you're kicking me out. What's wrong?" He seems desperate to know the answer. Of course, he's desperate. You're taking away his opportunity to free himself of guilt.

"And leave your key on my counter please." You finally looked at him. He was confused. Rightfully so. To him this was coming out of nowhere.

"Y/N. Talk to me. Why are you kicking me out? Look, if I said something wrong, I'm sorry it upset you. I worry about you. You know that. Let's just sit on the couch, relax, and then we can go out and eat. How does that sound? Whatever I said, you shouldn't take it to heart. It's just words. No need to get offended."

God, can he hear himself speaking?

"Reid. Do you like me? Do you care about me? Do I mean something to you?"

"Of course, I care about you. I wouldn't be here if I didn't, Y/N. Why would you even ask me that? Do you care about me? Why would you tell me to leave with all my things and leave my key if you did?" He was getting defensive. Just like all those times before. He doesn't trust you.

"I do care about you Reid."

"Then why go back to calling me Reid? I thought we were past that." He said, getting angry.

"I thought so too. But you don't care about me. Not like I care about you. I can't have you here anymore. It's going to kill me on the inside. I can't let you do that to me Reid. You can't, and won't, care about me how I do you. You don't change Reid. I wanted you to, God I really did, but you can't because you don't care about me enough. It'll break me, Reid. Letting this continue will be the end of me. And I can't let that happen. So, I'm going to say this one more time. Get your stuff and leave. Please."

You didn't care that you were begging. Looking into his eyes you could see it was true. He pitied you. It was clear to you he didn't love you. He didn't even try to fight you on it. He just nodded his head and went to collect his stuff. Five minutes later he left. Your spare key, left on the kitchen counter.

Is this the love everyone is always going on about? The one that's supposed to make you feel like you're floating on clouds. Because that's not what it feels like. It feels like you can't breathe. Like someone took your heart and ripped it out. Like you would never be able to love again.

Maybe it's a little overdramatic. But this was the first time you've ever been in love. And after this. Maybe the last time too. 

A/N: took me longer than I thought because I forgot how much effort goes into coming up with a chapter. Hope you all enjoyed. Have to add a little drama before the end. Lots of love.

- L