The Moon Hiding at Dawn

Chapter 18: Stuck in the Night

I walk around town to calm myself down... which is quite the opposite since, one way or another, the places are etched with the memories that we had. What my eyes sees are simply dark and shady places damped by the gray skies and raging rain. What my heart sees are their bright counterparts with our silhouettes passing by like a phantom manifested by nothing but the pain in my heart and mind.

I walked in autopilot, which was probably one of the worst decisions I ever made. I ended up in front of the arcade, where we played together. Then to the cafe where we ate. Then to the mall. It's like an unwanted trip down the memory lane. Autopilot meant being led by the operating system which is both the mind and instinct. Two systems that were heavily influenced by my relationship with Kallen... my previous relationship with her...

I had this slight urge to confront her and clarify things. I went by her house. The lights were out so it's either she deliberately turned them off or she is not yet there. It didn't matter either way as my chest felt heavier again and my head was already feeling light... Lighter than normal, which is not a good sign, so I chickened out. I've been mostly under the rain. I'll probably get... no, I'm probably sick already.

There being not much of a choice, I went home. I had a shower and a change of clothes before I slumped at the floor by my bed.

I stared at the light as I rest my head on the bed. I wonder, will there be a light at the end of this tunnel? Will I live to see the sun again? Or will I be stuck in the darkness of eternity as I cling with our memories?

I never would have seen this coming. There was nothing that told me where we were going wrong. We were having fun and all. Everything just went south without any warning. No... there was one warning. That someday, we will be left all alone.

Was this what she meant? There's nothing else that's left to attribute it to. It was not just me being paranoid. It was me telling myself to prepare for that warning. So what were all the previous days before? A last meal before an execution? A final taste of life just before death?

Yeah... that may be the case. More like that's the only case.

I'm left with not much of a choice but to swallow the reality and pain of this separation and try to move on.

I mean, moving forward is a must at this point. I'm not ready to throw life away after all. There's also the possibility that she will return to my embrace in the future. That or I'll wound up with someone better... or perhaps none at all. Then again, all of these are mere possibilities that will only happen if I choose to stand up and walk the path ahead, even if such path is one of uneven and jagged rocks that will destroy my feet at every step.

If I chose to remain as a loner back then, would I be feeling this way? Would I have to shed the same tears? Would I be feeling the same pain in the chest and losing the same breath from crying? I guess not.

If only I had a chance to turn back time and remake my life at that point, then maybe I wouldn't be as hurt as I am now. Maybe we wouldn't have went on those happy moments just to end up losing everything in what would probably be less than a year. If only I haven't engaged into something as big as a relationship... If only...

Tears started falling again. That's right... Who am I kidding? I'm bound to experience heartbreak. I'm bound to shed my tears. I'm bound to feel the pain in my chest and lose my breath crying for the same thing. Except that if it's not for Kallen, it would be for a different person. Would I want to experience all those from someone other than Kallen?

I hate myself for having the slight urge to say yes. But I know deep inside that if I said that, I'd only be lying to myself. All those memories. The dates we had, the sacrifices we made for each other, the awkward moments, the wait, the fruition. Everything! All of those are from Kallen and I alone. Who am I to say that a different person taking that place or no one at all would definitely be better? There may be another universe where I feel happier with another person or another universe where I won't be feeling any of this while in love. There may be other more variations but the one constant thing between all of them is that they are not the universe I'm currently crying in.

That's right. I'm in love with Kallen and will probably continue as such in the future despite it being painful. But I guess pain is a part of love that I have been refusing to acknowledge. She was able to wait for me since High School. She'd laugh me off in another life as a weakling if I can't even stomach waiting for her in the same manner.

Needless to say, I don't even know what I would be waiting for. If she would even return in the first place. I got nothing to hold on to except for the fact that we were happy and no sane person would trade that for anything else without clear reason.

One thing remains as a fact though. Broken as it might be, I must cherish those moments that we had. For better, or for the worse. Whatever the future may bring, I have no other choice but to cling on the little bit of euphoria that the past brings in order to at least drive me to move in the present.

The tunnel will be long and dark this time around.

Quite coincidental with that thought, the light went out.

Great... A blackout...

The sound of rain crashing to the roof and windows echoes within the silence of my house. In a great deal of effort, I grabbed my phone and used its light to search for a candle somewhere in the kitchen. After eons of searching, I found one in the cupboard for some reason and lit it up using the stove. I don't keep lighters so I had no other choice. I went back to my room with the candle and stared at it.

Stared. Until the flame slowly melts the life out of the candle.

If I'm going to decide to live, I better do it before the flames consume everything. My attention was pulled to my wallet at the bedside table. I snatched it and opened it. Still has some cash back when I withdrawn some from the bank, but that's not what I was concerned with.

I withdrew from it a small piece of paper. A sticky note with a message "Thank you so much, I appreciate it ^_^. Take the jacket home, it's cold outside. ~Kallen". I stared at it for a moment and held back the tears.

I placed it by the fire of the candle. In a few moments, it was reduced to cinders. If I'm going to live, this might be the first out of many more painful steps... 

I should be able to cherish the memories that we had as memories, not a future to look forward to. Otherwise, I won't be able to close this bleeding heart of mine. I must detach myself from longing to go back to those times, else I'd be stuck in an endless cycle of wanting those memories and imposing them to other people. Or perhaps even to her.

I stared once again at the candle before putting it out and crashing on my bed.

Only darkness remained with the sound of raindrops bashing by my window. It's been like this for a few days and I don't think it would change anytime soon. The skies would still be gray, the sun would still be hidden, rays of light may not be even present. There's no sign of dawn. Only an extended night.

I guess I'm floating on the same boat. The next sunrise would be much more difficult all while I am still stuck in the night.