The Moon Hiding at Dawn

Chapter 38: A Chapter Closed

The air in the room was heavy as the sun walked away from the sky above. The accounts from the diary were so much to take in for me and for Riz as well. We just fell into an embrace. It was an attempt to comfort each other, just that Riz broke down to tears first. She was in the dark for most of it, moving in a complete blind spot yet having the most pivotal roles. I had clues to work on, she had nothing but gut and trust.

I'll save my tears for later. My role for now is a bastion of comfort as the story behind these tears are bound to just die as a secret between us.

As for the questions that lingered in my mind back then, most of them are now answered. I think. Only a few questions remain in my head right now:

First, is Kallen still alive? The last message was the most disheartening. Even the slightest possibility of death is enough to scare us. What more when she just admitted that the possibility is high?

Second, what now? Do I travel abroad and search for her? I have no clue as to her background. I could get that info from the school records but I doubt their policy would let me touch those. She might even have precautions against it considering how elaborate all of these were. Do I break in even with that in mind? Too risky to even consider. I don't even have enough money or other resources to begin with.

So many things are running in my mind but Riz snapped me out of it, burying my face into her chest.

"I know what you're thinking and I know what you feel." She cried. "But I want you to believe. That's what she needs us to do at the moment, right? To trust her and wait for her return?"

That was a stretch. I know. The missing "if" made all the difference. I could figure out a thousand rebuttals against the likelihood of that scenario happening even if she ensured a slight possibility in the last moments of her entry, yet my mouth won't even get a single one out. Because, as much as I want to be realistic, I want to believe as well deep down.

I wiped a tear from her cheek and smiled. "Yeah, I'm sure that's what she wants us to do."

I can't take it anymore. I myself just opened the dam and broke into tears as the last bit of hypocrisy escaped my mouth. The heavens are the sole witness of how deviant I am of my own advices and words.

I once consoled Kallen and told her to find a dream bigger than me and that her life won't revolve simply around mine. Look at my pathetic state now, crying as if I lost the world—as if life would not go on after this very moment. After the point of losing her, even if there might be slight chances of improvement in the future.

I once told Nina that dreams can be delayed but should not be simply cast aside. Look at me, easily throwing away any glimmer of hope that my tears were for nothing as she would return. Throwing as well the dreams of a happier life by scarring myself with the truth.

I even told myself to prove that love can exist regardless of form. Yet I can't find... no... I refused to see what form of love rests in her actions and reasons. I even dragged an innocent friend and a prospective love down the mud just so that I can know and be silenced. Not even the silence was achieved nor might it ever be.

I really wished it would rain. That way I could just walk outside and no one would bat an eye, the rain masking the storm brewing in my eyes. But I guess fate won't allow me such leisure. Only cold harsh winds await us outside. Only rough gales reminding us of the cold loneliness we're all bound to stumble upon no matter how hard we struggle or avoid it.

That's right. This is life. Riz told me before already. That we would always encounter pain like this. She asked me before a question about going back to the past with memories of the future. Back then, it made sense to settle with ignorance as an essential factor in life—it is what gives it meaning. I take it back now. Let me travel to the past with these memories. I don't care if we fought and ended up breaking, I don't care if we became paranoid. I'll go back to the past regardless. Because what helps give meaning to life was never the tug of war of ignorance and knowledge, it was that of foresight and struggle. We don't wait for life to strike at us, we anticipate it and struggle against it.