The Moon Hiding at Dawn

Chapter 28: Searching in the Dark

The next moments were a blur. I found myself walking aimlessly under the furious rain in a dire attempt to prove my speculations myself... or to meet the worst of it. I started searching for all the places she could be. It would've been a walk in the park for normal people. For Kallen? She clearly is a mystery now. No one batted an eye before. She was the most salient person— the one whom everyone never fails to notice. Yet she's the most hidden of all of us.

I assembled what little bit of knowledge I have of Kallen. She likes to goof off, she likes cats, she plays games, she... she... I don't know anymore. That's the extent of knowledge I had of her. At this point, I'm even left to question those things knowing that the way our paths intertwined has been so messed up that everything is simply as vague as the thin line in the horizon.

I tried checking the mall. I stuck out like a sore thumb as I entered entirely wet while in my school uniform. I doubt I'd be able to enter stalls and shops in this condition so I decided to walk around for a moment to possibly dry myself as well. Maybe she's walking around, casually taking a stroll and suddenly bumps at me. Chances might be slim but I'll never know for sure. Life is never a movie nor a novel but what's happening in this moment leads me to believe otherwise.

For how long was I drying myself? I don't remember. I followed at least three girls wearing a gray jacket like the one Kallen had only to get my hopes down at the end. I had to stop at some point as I would seem like a creepy stalker to anyone who would even try to look at me.

I went to the same cat cafe on the third floor of the mall. The waitress seemed to recognize me from before and asked where my companion was. She was on point with the subject matter but it still hurts nonetheless and it took me a great deal of willpower to avoid breaking down.

"That's the thing" I replied. "I'm trying to find her but I guess she hasn't been here. She's not missing or... well I don't know. She withdrawn from class but we were just hanging out days ago."

She offered to contact me if ever Kallen drops by the place so I left my phone number.

I went to the arcade that we used to hangout. That THEY used to play in as well. Still packed with people so I doubt I'd be able to ask around. I was checking the air hockey place and the shooting simulation when the whole place echoed with the clanging of bells. Judging from the source of the sound, someone just hit a jackpot at the shooting booth. That game was rigged. I was the only one who won before and Kallen, together with the booth's attendant, were the only witnesses.

True enough, someone was handed a huge stuffed toy. But it was not from the shooting booth. It was from the dance pads to the left. Once again, I got my hopes up for nothing.

I was about to turn and leave when I caught a familiar figure at the corner of my eye. No, it's not Kallen. It's a guy with blonde side-parted annoying hair. There's only one person who had that hairstyle. Only one guy that annoyingly draws too much attention.

I darted to the direction of Clyde. I stopped in my tracks as I lost sight of him for a moment, only to see him running away from the arcade. I quickly shifted directions and chased him.

It was like running a marathon.

He darted around various stalls, squeezed between crowds, and shifted to multiple corners. My stamina can only handle a slice of this activity. Nevertheless, I never plan on stopping. The closest lead is within my grasp. Would I be dumb enough to let this chance escape?

I might be since I lost him again. I searched more until I was able to grab him by the shoulder.

"What's the big idea?" Said a voice definitely deeper than that of Clyde's. Just when I thought I was able to catch-up, the events died down as I caught the wrong blonde guy.

"Sorry, I thought you were a friend." I replied as I left so as not to further embarrass myself.

Right... I'm getting way ahead of myself. Blonde does not always equate to Clyde just as stupid does not automatically equate to him. He would have enough braincells to know when to avoid public spaces when he is supposed to be hiding secrets beneath the covers. Assuming he knows something about all these and I'm pretty sure that he knows what most of us don't at the very least.

I slumped at the park bench outside the mall. I arrived earlier drenched with the rain, now I left soaked in sweat. It's not as if the rain already stopped. It's still pouring hard. Good thing the bench is under a cover, even if it's just a bit of roofing.

This is so frustrating. I can't calm down. It's like all the development I built, all the resolve I accumulated were just thrown down the river— washed away, never to be seen again. I might've even lost Riz in the process.

"I'm such an ass" I heard myself sighing.

I once told myself that I'm over Kallen. That I only think about her as a friend and that I was ready to move forward. I was convinced easily by her absence. I plunged head-on only to know that I'm still shackled to the past. Now I'm only drowning. Being pulled deeper in the abyss by the weight of the things that I thought could never grab me anymore.

If I chose to remain in my safe place— in my solitude— would I be in a better place right now? Would she still be by my side, endlessly bugging me of the things she watched? Would I still be able to look at her and be assured she's not going anywhere?

No... this event definitely was coming. All the signs she showed pointed to her leaving one day and not engaging with her in the past would not make a difference in the present. Most of us will still be devastated, Riz would still be hurt. I will still be left in the winds of curiosity. Only difference would be that I would have been a heartless soul. Probably... who knows?

I don't know. I'll never know. For one thing, I can't go back to the past nor recreate it using the same elements. Deduct more points at the scoreboard as I pointlessly led someone on only to hurt her and her concept of friendship. Dock more points for me breaking a rule we've talked about and betraying two people at once. I just realized that now.

That said, it's getting dark... No, it's already dark. I just never noticed because I was too preoccupied with what I selfishly want that I failed to see how everything else intersects. Well, the same negligence happened to my life so don't bother. It might just be dark chapters from now on.

I got up and walked to the convenience store to grab something to get me through the night. Just whatever consumable I could grab off the corner and stuff in the fridge. Then I went straight home, still soaking wet and still being pummeled by the rain.

Igot changed, ate a simple microwavable lunch box of what would seem to be porkcutlets. Then I brought out what I normally don't buy, booze. The only thing Ican do is drink this night away. Hopefully this is enough to give me thestrength to search for answers in these blinding dark days.

I didn't even know what happened anymore. I woke up on the floor, knocking countless bottles aside as I try to sit down yet remembering that I only had one when I got here. It's eight in the morning and the sky is as dark as could be. I'm probably gonna be late for... oh... right. We can skip classes already. Raymond told us back when...

It's no use. I still remember and I still fall apart. Every thought leads to the past and every glimmer of light is just a call of hopelessness. Every means turning unfeasible, every moment turning to agony, every memory surfacing and turning into blasphemy.

Maybe another bottle or two will end this misery...