The Moon Hiding at Dawn

Chapter 37: A White Dwarf

Riz and I settled down as we decided to sort things back to their proper places before opening what would seem to be Kallen's diary. Just a random act of courtesy since if we immediately dive to the diary, we probably would not have time, energy, nor mood to do the cleaning. Not that someone will be here anytime soon but we'll never really know. It didn't take that much of time until we were ready to go, sitting on the bed, and opening the notebook for the first time. I don't know what I'm feeling nor do I know what I'm supposed to feel at the moment. The beads of sweat are there as well as the shaky hands but that's as far as things go. The internal world is nothing but emptiness and probably a pint of relief. No joy, just relief.

Opening it, the notebook itself didn't look much of a diary. There were no Dear diaries you would usually see, nor were there dates placed in each entry. We can't even distinguish one entry for another as we flip the pages. All that was there were scribbles. Sometimes even in uncharacteristically messy handwriting like it was done for the heck of it. But I guess it does makes sense in some way. Diaries are usually the polar opposite of their owners just as how this is a messy, hidden counterpart of the usually perfect and organized Kallen.

We read the first one and although no dates were placed, I can clearly remember which event each of these would pertain to. I guess that says a lot about me... about us...

I finally gave him the blueprint. His face looked at it as if it was something dear to him. I remember that he used them in games we had but I can't remember if what were its specifications. I was focusing hard on either beating him or winning, would you blame me for that? Isn't it more important to have a great time that memorizing all the details? It would be greater if I did beat him consistently though... games are the only thing that I can't get the top place at no matter how I tried.

~~

He kept bothering me where I figured it out. I kept trying to make it so that he would think of it as a coincidence. I can't tell him that Riz was the one to find it. She'll overtake me when that happens, though I feel bad that I'm using her resources for my ends. Why would she give it to me? She would've logically hidden it from me knowing that it's my edge over her. One of the many that is. She can't be giving up, right? Well it would work in my favor but I don't want us to end on a bad point because of it.

~~

I guess I now found out why it was so important to him. I was soooo frustrated back then when I rarely beat him in game. I was only playing out of boredom after all and a bit for my ego. I have nothing to compare against someone who went in game as if it was his life. And apparently it was his. The only light he found was in those games. I somehow feel better that I didn't defeat him on that. I might have taken the only thing he had, otherwise. I couldn't help but be moved in tears and hug him at that moment. But I guess I might be the selfish one, making these kinds of moves. But if these kinds of move are not allowed, I don't know what else would be.

~~

I caught him by surprise last night! Good thing I talked Nina into this little secret thing. It felt like the good old days, except that it's more tiring. I have to watch out for my health. Papa had to remind me of what the doctor said about physical activities and what they do to my heart. It really is hard to live with a heart disease. It even feels as if my days are numbered. I get tired easily and all those. But I don't care. I'm gonna do what I want. No one knows either nor do I plan on letting them know. If I'm going down with this disease, I'm going down fighting and if I go down, I'm doing so alone. No one would be dragged to the depths with me.

What am I saying? And here, this entry is supposed to be happy and fun as I played with him again. We dominated everyone as well. Sucks to be them, right?