Quid Pro Quo. TaeKook AU

A gift

Tae POV

"What are you smiling about?" I asked with a smirk as I sat my paintbrush down 

"You wouldn't want to know" she shook her head and put her phone down

"Oh?" I picked up another brush and blended the colors on the canvas 

"What are you making this time?" She asked as she stood behind me

"I don't know yet" I shook my head 

"Another one of him?"

"Probably" I mumbled 

"You have therapy in the morning?" 

"I do" 

"What time?" 

"Eleven to twelve, after that I have group therapy until two" 

"Okay" she nodded "I probably won't be home when you get back"

"That's fine" I shrugged "my sessions are easier now" 

"Good. Have you spoken to Namjoon?"

"No" I shook my head "he's emailed me a few times about the system, but I directed him to the phone numbers that I gave him when he took over" 

"Do you regret it?"

"Not even a little. I'm happier now, I feel free to be myself, even if I don't know who that is yet"

"I'm so proud of you Tae" she kissed my cheek and ruffled my hair, it made my heart flutter. It's been far too long since I've heard anyone tell me they were proud of me 

"Thanks Kat" I smiled wide 

"You know, if you talk to him, he might under-"

"I'm not ready" I sighed and shook my head "soon though. I'll tell him soon. If he tells me to fuck myself then that's just something I have to live with. It's my own fault anyway. And now it's been four months, he probably thinks that I've forgotten all about him at this point" 

"Not necessarily Tae, I talked to him today.." 

My body tensed and my hand froze with the paintbrush pressed against the canvas "you did?" I whispered 

"I did" she nodded "he's doing well" 

"Good" I relaxed and nodded my head as I began painting again 

"He's opening up his shop..tomorrow" 

"I'm glad that it worked out for him. He deserves it, and I'm glad that it's coming together for him" my eyes watered as I kept painting, my strokes hardly making a difference, looking more like squiggles compared to the rest "what...what did he name it?"

"More than pizza" 

"Oh god" I closed my eyes and sat down my paintbrush 

"What?"

"I-I made that up" I began crying and sniffling "that w-was my suggestion" 

"Aww Tae, honey" she hugged me and let me cry into her chest "he still loves you baby, I know it. I can feel it" 

"I still love him" I admitted out loud for the first time besides therapy "I only want him, Kathy, I need him" 

"I know baby, I know" she rocked me back and forth until I could compose myself 

"I don't know what to do" I shook my head 

"I'm seeing him tomorrow.. why don't you paint him something he can hang in his shop?"

"He'll throw it away" I shook my head 

"No he won't" she shook her head "it's kookie we're talking about" 

"I'll try" 

She patted my back and walked away, she shut the door to my painting room and I turned up my music 

"You said his name is Charles Mingus?"

"One of my favorites" I mumbled out loud to the memory of Jungkook as I took my canvas down and put up another one in hopes that I could make something deserving of hanging on his wall in his new shop. I took a look over at the dried up bouquet he had sent me after everything happened and I smiled as I took my first stroke against the canvas and closed my eyes. 

I moved in with Kathy three weeks after the incident. 

I broke my lease on my apartment, and sold my penthouse that I had in Seoul. 

I handed my company over to Namjoon, free of charge. Just literally handed him my keys and walked away. 

It wasn't worth it. 

Without Jungkook or Kathy by my side, nothing was worth it anymore. 

I started therapy. 

I started taking medications for my anxiety, and to help me sleep. 

I made amends with Namjoon, which took a lot of stress away as well. I didn't forgive him for his sake, I forgave him for mine. Walking around feeling broken and angry all of the time did nothing beneficial for me. 

I forgave my mom. 

I understand that she didn't give me away because she wanted to, she didn't abandon me, not even a little. 

She saved me.

She gave me a second chance at a better life than she could give me, and as luck would have it she put me right into Kathy's arms, unknowingly making sure that I would still have a mother to love me and take care of me. 

Most importantly of all, I forgave myself. 

I didn't deserve the abuse that I inflicted on myself. The self hate, the self doubt, the self sabotage, holding myself back from finding love, and happiness. Stopping myself from following my actual dreams and ambitions and instead focusing on revenge. A revenge that once fulfilled didn't take any ounce of weight off my shoulders. That didn't erase any doubts or fears that I had lingering. 

I feel like a new man. 

For the first time in my entire life, I love myself. 

I love myself almost as much as I love Jungkook.