The Ruthless (Quantum Meruit Series #1)

19. Date

09.
Date

━━━━━━━

I did it.

Tumigil ako sa paglalakad at napahawak sa dibdib. Hindi pa rin iyon naging sapat dahil kinailangan ko pang humilig sa kalapit na pader. Parang anumang oras ay bibigay ang mga tuhod ko.

I did it.

I confessed.

I squealed quietly and softly hit my head on the wall.

Shit! What was I thinking? Why did I do it?

I groaned and pulled my hair like a madwoman. Napapatingin sa akin ang mga tao pero naiwan ko ang pakialam ko sa opisinang iyon.

I shouldn't have done that, right?

Putang ina. Parang biglang nabagok ang ulo ko at nagising sa sariling kabaliwan.

I shouldn't have done that! What the hell had gotten into me? It was so, so stupid!

What could he be thinking of me now? Paano ko na siya haharapin ngayon? Why the hell I thought of it for a while and still ended fucking up like this?

Buwisit!

"Come on. It wasn't so bad," Ate Mira comforted me as she was munched nuts.

Napapikit ako nang mariin at ipinatong ang batok sa likod ng aking upuan. Ilang araw na ang nakalilipas at pakiramdam ko ay kahapon lang nangyari iyon. I was still getting goosebumps whenever I thought of it.

It was bold but plain stupid.

"Do you think he finds me cheap?"

Nadama ko ang pagtigil ni Ate Mira sa pagkain.

"What's wrong with women confessing their feelings first?"

"I don't know. You know the society." And I thought Sigfred was traditional so it wouldn't be a surprise if he found my confession weird.

Ah, shit. This was killing me.

Ate Mira snorted. "Well, let the society fuck itself. Walang mali sa ginawa mo. Hindi ka cheap dahil doon. In fact, what you did was amazing. You were brave, Will."

Ngumuso ako, pinipigilang mapangiti.

Totoo naman, hindi ba? Marami pa ring tao ang nandidiri sa ideyang babae ang unang nagtatapat ng pagkakagusto o pag-ibig. Kesyo ang cheap daw, ang desperada, at kung ano-ano pang dahilan. Minsan, kapwa mo pa babae ang hihilain ka paibaba dahil lang alam mo ang gusto mo at matapang ka para roon. Pathetic.

Ngayong patuloy nating isinusulong ang pagkakapantay-pantay, dapat ay tanggap na rin natin ang katotohanang kaya ring maging matapang ng mga babae lalo na sa damdamin.

Hindi kabawasan sa pagkababae ang pagiging totoo sa nararamdaman.

But then how would I explain it to Sigfred? Was he sharing the same belief? Would he understand?

"I didn't think much of the consequences of this," sabi ko habang kinakagat-kagat ang hintuturo. "May dinner pa naman kami next weekend sa bahay nila."

Gusto kong pilipitin ang sariling leeg. I planned out my confession before. It wasn't definitely like this. I ruined it all just because I was threatened.

Shit. And I was still his student! It was weird! Paano na ito? I didn't want him to think it was awkward on my part although it really was! Ayoko nang pahiyain pa ang sarili ko sa kanya!

Kung bakit ba kasi hindi ako nakapaghintay ng graduation! Ilang buwan na lang naman, e. Nakakainis!

"Fake it until you make it," pakantang sagot ni Ate Mira sa tanong na hindi ko malapatan ng boses. "Just be chill. Don't let him think you're so affected. And definitely, make yourself busy. And appear busy to him."