HIM (an AmazingPhil fan fiction, Phil Lester)

Vulnerable

I let the paper fall to the floor as I soon follow and drop to the floor. He left, after this morning and him pulling me back to the bed, he chose her. Dan must have told him I was missing but he still chose her. I sat silently on my knees, tears silently streaming down my face. My insides were screaming but I can't react on the outside. I hear the creek of floorboards by the doorway but can't gather the courage to look up. A hand reaches infront of me and picks up the piece of paper. A few seconds later a loud bang rouses me from my daydream, or should I say nightmare. The bang was soon followed by another, and a few seconds later another. I forced myself to turn my body and the sight before me sent a spike of burning agony through my chest.

Dan was pounding the wall with his fist, over and over. A small patch of red on the wall he was hitting, like a bullseye. His scream was like no other scream I'd ever heard, full of a tortured pain I never knew existed. Suddenly Chris and PJ burst through the door and run to Dan, pulling him away from the wall.

Dan: "it's my fault" he sobbed "it's all my fault"

PJ: "Dan, whatever this is its not your fault"

Dan: "yes it is! I gave false hope, I let her in, I let him go with her" he screamed

He let him go with her, what does he mean? I want to ask but my body is still frozen, the pain in my heart weighing down my whole body. A fire begins coursing through my veins, I felt an anger I've never felt before. The anger wasn't for Dan, it was for her. She made Dan blame himself when it wasn't him it was her, she took Phil. Wait, no, she didn't force Phil to go. It's all Phil! Bile began to rise in my throat as the thought of them entered my mind. I let out a scream and curled into a ball, this is it. I'm at my most vulnerable.

I lay on the floor screaming into my knees as tears crashed to the floor. My face pressed into the floor but I'm so numb I can't feel it, I can't feel anything other than the stabbing pain in my chest. My anger slowly melts away only to be replaced with a pain that took control of my whole body, I wasn't in control anymore. As I lay shaking, crying and screaming all I could do was think of everything over that past few years.

While i was sat in my room waiting for Phil to come and whisk me away like my knight in shining armor, he was moving on. Meeting new people and making something of himself. Maybe moving to London with them was a bad idea.

Suddenly I'm being picked up from the floor and carried to the sofa. I stay in my ball hoping they won't see me, that I'll just sink into the floor and dissapear. The person sits down and keeps me on their lap. A gentle kiss is placed on my temple as well as a whispered applillogy in my ear. I glance up to see a very broken Dan. His eyes red, a fake smile on his chapped lips and his eyes had changed. They were no longer a light and happy brown, they were a deep, dark, mysterious brown, full of pain. I slowly raise my hand to his face and place it on his cheek, using my thumb to wipe away the stray tears. He leans into my touch and a small smile appears on his lips. I rest my hand on his shoulder and nussle my head into his chest. His chin rests on my head and we silently cry together. The pain in my chest slowly begins to subdue to Dan, it's like a war between my thoughts and Dan, Dan will win everytime. He's so strong and brave, he would do anything for anyone and that's why he's truely my best friend. I would do anything for this boy, my best friend, my brother.

Dan: "you want a cup of tea?" he whispers

Grace: "that's your answer to everything" I laugh "yeah please"

Dan: "okay, I'll make it because you know mine are the best" he chuckles and i hold him tighter "don't worry I won't be far, I'll leave you with PJ. I would say Chris but... Well you've met him so you probably understand why I said PJ "

Chris: "Hey!" he laughs

Dan moves me onto PJ's knee and moves the hair out of my face and smiling gently before leaving the room. Chris swiftly follows Dan to help him carry the tea. PJ wraps his arms around me and leans back so I have access to his chest. I place my head on his shoulder and decide this is as good a time as any to get to know him.

Grace: "what's your favourite colour?"

PJ: "what?" he laughes

Grace: "You heard me, what's your favourite colour?"

PJ: "space" he laughs "what about you? "

Grace: "Dark blue, the kind of blue that looks black but when it's in the sun it's clearly blue"

PJ: "hm, so it only shows it's true colours in a certain light?"

Grace: "I guess" I smile

PJ: "I think I know why you like that colour"

Grace: "because it's a beautiful colour"

PJ: "I think it's deeper than that" he mutters, adjusting his body so he can see my face "you see, I think you like that colour because it reminds you so much of yourself" I look up, entrigued with where this is going "you hide yourself away and only show people the side of you that you want them to see, the black. But once they get to know you they see the real you, the blue"

Grace: "that was very deep and all I told you was my favourite colour" I laugh

PJ: "it's pretty obvious really" he shrugged "when I first met you, you were awkward. You would listen to the conversation instead of joining in, you would play with your fingers when you got nervous and you constantly pulled at your clothes like you were trying to hide your skin so people wouldn't notice you. But with Dan you're different, your posture is different and so is your smile. You're more relaxed and genuine around Dan, you talk more when he's around. But the second he's not here you isolate yourself again, unless you get used to get person. Like now for example, we wouldn't be able to talk like this the day you met me, you barely said a word to me when Dan wasn't around, but now you're trying to get to know me. So yes, you really are the human inbodyment of your favourite colour" he smiles

Grace: "you really are quite observant" I smile, pulling at the sleeve of my hoodie

PJ: "stop it, there's no need to be embarrassed" he says separating my hands

I lay my head on his chest once again, his hand ontop of mine showing me he's there and he cares. I already know he's going to become an amazing friend. At that moment Dan and Chris walk back in with four much of tea. Dan hands me mine as Chris puts PJ's on the table, I take a small sip from my tea and place it on the floor for a moment. Once it's on the floor I turn to PJ and wrap my arms around his neck and hug him. He's taken back at first but slowly slides his arms around my waist and returns the embrace.

Grace: "thank you" I whisper

PJ: "anytime" he whispers back

I slowly release him and climb off his knee. Dan and Chris are looking at one another in confusion, I laugh to myself and crawl over to Dan. I wrap my arms around him careful not to knock his tea. He places his mug on the floor and returns my embrace. No questions asked we just hold one another. Our embrace says everything we need to, that no matter what we're there for one another, to help and support eachother. I slowly release Dan and glance at Chris who looks left out. I glance and PJ who mouths "show him your blue side", my cheeks flush and i rise from the couch. Chris's eyes shoot up and watch me as I walk over too him sat on the single chair. I hold up my arms signaling for a hug, requesting permission. Suddenly he jumps up from his chair and runs too me and picks me up. He spins me in circles and holds me tight, careful not to break anything. He slows down and i slide down his body to my feet, the whole rooms spinning but my head has never been so clear. I've got a perfect best friend who I look on as a brother and two new friends that I seem to have clicked with instantly.

Once the room stops spinning I make my way back to my seat, I don't think I've ever been this happy since Dan and Phil left to move to London. After a lengthy debate on what to do we settle on playing Mario cart. Dan and Chris sat on the sofa while PJ and i sit on the floor. I was getting really into the game and pulled ahead of Dan, as I was announcing my immanent victory everything went black. I soon realise Dan has pulled me down and is sitting on me to stop me from winning. I try to push him off but he's really strong and my arms are slowly turning to jelly from laughter. A few moments later Dan gets off me and I know the race is over and I've lost. He sits on the sofa watching me innocently as Chris and PJ are in tears from laughter. I get up and jump on Dan pushing him down on the sofa. I sit in his stomach, one leg on each side of his hips. He looks at me with anxious eyes as a grin spreads across my lips. I sudden launch my hands towards his ribs and begin tickling him. He yelps and squeals and he tries to roll me off, the room is filled with the sound laughter and it really does warm my heart. Suddenly there's a loud bang and the room goes deathly silently. It's the front door, Phils home.