Diamond in the Making

32. Tranquilize

Sometimes you can't fix something unless you break it even more. You can't fix what's behind the wall unless you tear down the wall. I feel like the wall with nothing left.

When do you know for sure that you've hit the bottom? Whenever I think I have, something else always gets thrown my way. How much left do I have to drink before I reach the end of the bottle?

Everything hurts. Each day comes and goes, with it a piece of my heart dies. How much more can someone take before they give up?

I finally found happiness, a sense of peace, all of which resided in Nate. I know it isn't right to depend on one person but who else would I go to? Nate is a temporary fix to my never ending issue. I need to depend on myself. In order to do that, I need to love myself first.

I need to open up and shed some light on the darkened parts of my soul. It's important for me to let it all out before I burst at the seams. I need to work it out in my head before the words float in the open air.

Tired and defeated, I laid my head on Nate's shoulder. It's a safe place for me, I found comfort in him when all that was around us was gory. At this moment, it didn't matter what he did or what he believed, what matters is what I need, which is for someone that I love to care for me even in the slightest. He may not know it but just his action of not leaving made me feel better.

When I fell asleep there, the ringing in my ear stopped. My head felt better, there was no pain at all. I saw my parents laughing and talking with me. It was a memory I had but now I saw it as an outsider looking in. It's like a page from my book of beloved memories.

They told me all of the aspirations they had for me and how they pictured me as a grown woman. I don't know if my mind was making it up and adjusted the recollection of it but I fit the description.

It made me feel fulfilled, like I'm where I'm meant to be at this point in time. I miss them but I know they are here with me along every step of the way.

I feel like I got the closure I was looking for, the one I longed for that pushed me towards this house again. Even if I feel like they've forgiven me, can I forgive myself?

I was shaken awake. Nate's scent intoxicated me instantly making the returning ringing that sounded from my ears less excruciating.

"Zara," he whispered but it sounded louder to me than it actually was.

One of my eyes cracked open slightly to assess my surroundings. I'm in the same place I was when I dozed off. The darkness of the night was welcoming to me. I rubbed both my eyes before looking to Nate questioningly as to why he woke me.

"Do you want to stay here or can we go back?" He asked with sympathetic eyes.

"I need to clean up the blood," I said, struggling to get to my feet. Looking down I noticed it was all gone. Everything was as it should be except my blood stained clothes.

"Roman cleaned it up," he clarified.

"Nate, what if they come back here?"

"Don't worry," he said, pushing a strand of hair behind my ear. "I've got a few people keeping an eye out."

"Thank you," I said with some sense of relief.

Nate held me close as he guided me to the car. Everything around me was moving, my feet were unsteady. It seemed like the parked car was moving in every direction.

I was seated in the front seat of the car while Nate started the engine. My elbows rested on my knees and my hands held my aching head.

"Are you okay?" Nate asked as he reached over to gently rub my back.

"My head really hurts," I said, rubbing my forehead.

He moved his hand up and down my back in a comforting way. "Try and get some rest. We'll be back at my house in a few hours."

His house was a place I enjoyed going to but now I don't look forward to it as much.

"Nate," I said looking up at him with my vision slightly blurred. "Can you just take me back to my place?"

"Zara, I love you too much to walk away. Will you please just let me take care of you?" He said beggingly.

I wish he didn't sound as caring so he would make it easier to step back. It's sweet of him to want to make up for everything, I just hope it's enough.

I nodded my head agreeing to go back to his house.

The dark road usually calmed me but right now it makes me feel sick. The streetlights are brighter than they should be and I see more lines on the road than there actually are. All of these things make me feel sick to my stomach. So instead of inducing the pain my head brought on, I closed my eyes. My head laid against the cool window hoping it was Nate's warm shoulder instead and I dozed off.

~

Nate was true to his word and he took care of me with all of my blood and bruises. I had a mild concussion and I blame the bitch for that. I felt slight grief for his death and I knew it was insensitive to call him by that but I didn't know his real name.

I thought that I was overprotective before when Nate was shot but I didn't know what overprotective was until now. Nate watched over me every minute. It was nice to know that he truly cares. I wouldn't let him sleep in the bed with me because I thought it would be best if we had some boundaries. Some nights he would lay in bed with me and it felt like the old times when we were naive and in love. He was the perfect gentleman and respected my wishes. I wanted us to try and start over. I know that it might be too late for that but I don't see another option.

He listened when I talked through all my thoughts. It didn't matter to me if he was there or not, I just needed to say everything that was bothering me in order to move past this rough patch in my life. Nate listened because he wanted to and that made me want to be with him again but I wondered if it's too soon to jump back into his arms. His actions made me believe that he just made an innocent mistake before in hopes of protecting his feelings and that he wouldn't doubt me again but I didn't want to rush to this conclusion. Whether I doubt him or not, after this past week I've gotten closer to him than I have with anyone else before. My guard is slowly going down and I feel much better.

After about a week in bed, I felt good enough to get back to my normal life. I needed to talk to Nate because I can't live here forever but I also need to finish what I started.

I picked up my phone when Nate wasn't looking, he wanted me to stay off it because of the headaches I've been having. Hopefully taking a step in the right direction, I called Todd again and told him to begin the process of buying out Brad. I have to cut off what's not good for me and I know for a fact Brad is no good.

"Who were you talking to?" Nate asked when he returned into the room.

"It's just stuff for work. Listen Nate we should talk about something," I said pausing for a second to think. I really don't want to ruin what we have worked hard to build this past week. "I'm gonna need to go back to work which means going back to my apartment but what about Brad?" The thought of him coming back again scares me.

Without even thinking it through, Nate said "live here with me," like it wasn't even a question.

"I don't think that's a good idea." That feels like we are pushing our luck with this relationship.

"Zara, I love you and I would choose you over anyone in a heartbeat. Please just stay with me," he begged.

"This all just seems out of order like we are jumping steps."

He sat next to me on the bed and grabbed my hands in his. "Let me fix that," he said with determination then he asked the question I've secretly been dying to hear, "will you be my girlfriend?"