Thoughts in my head

Mostly okay ish

Watery laugh.

Weak smile.

So tired but that never means what you think anymore.

I'm sorry.

I say words with different meanings knowing you won't understand and I'm left with grief yet relief.

I don't want to worry you but I know do it all the time.

I'm so done and the dark is a comforting blanket I can only reach alone.

So tired...

Weak but I can't fight enough to hate it that much.

Depression, a word I'm scared...hesitant to use thinking it's an excuse.

I'm a fucking mess yet you still love me.

I try to run away from myself so much that sometimes you're with the me I'm running from.

You can't be with me when I'm torn apart yet you still try.

It makes me sigh with admiration but twist with guilt when you get hurt from wanting me.

I'd slow down to reach you but part of me thinks running from you too is a good thing.

Giving you vague answers scared that the other me is hiding around the corner.

Spend time with you but scared that the other me is waiting to grab me.

I'm paranoid and angry that my mask is breaking with a fix I can't find.

I'm scared.

I'm so scared.

I'm lost.

I can see you but my mask is broken and they could be around the corner.

They get to you before me sometimes.

They act like a new mask that I'm too weak to rip off.

They find me before I can find them sometimes and I get stuck.

I can see you but I can't reach you.

I can't reach you.

I can't reach you and I start wondering if I ever really reached out.

My actions can only be seen by me in a twisted mirror.

A twisted mirror.

The reflection scares me and I don't understand...I don't know what to believe.

I want you and I need you and I start to forget that the other one is still me.

It's still me.

I'm mostly okay ish.

Just with heavy eyes and a curled up spine.

Empty head yet it's filled too much to understand.

The forest...
The trees
The water...
The space...
The void...
The path...
I'm falling and I'm so scared I won't be able to get up.

You can't get up if you never land.

I get desperate to hold you close when I'm floating like this.

So desperate to never let you feel so far away.

But I can't grab you. I don't think I can try to.

An attempt isn't made anymore and I just laugh and smile.

A watery laugh at myself.

A weak smile at you from a distance.

I know everything has to be okay but it scares me not knowing what way.

I want to hold you close. I want to breathe even if it breaks me to do so. I'd give everything to fall onto you. Land in your arms. Land at home with a heart ready to care. A heart already loving. A heart ready to let mine take a rest before fulfilling dreams together. I'd kiss you and take you all in. Finally be at peace. Finally treat that other me as a friend I just can't always listen to.

But I don't...

And I'm sorry for that.

I'll let you know I'm mostly okay ish though. Maybe I can prove it to not be such a wrong lie.