Thoughts in my head

Fuck up

Oh happy fucking new year Parker!
You don't even deserve to be called that.
You deserve the dead naming.
You obviously haven't changed from last new year.
What changed?
You wanted to kill yourself but we're too much of a coward to because you had too many people leaning on you.
What now?
Oh now you pushed everybody away except her.
Except your girlfriend.
You're such an ass to have asked her out.
She loves you.
She loves the prick you are.
She loves something you convince yourself is a lie because of the way you act recently.
I told you that you were a monster you don't deserve her.
She's not perfect but do you know how much she loves and cares for you?
She wants a future with you.
She wants to live not only her but your dreams with you together.
She's amazing yet you know how many times you've made her cry?
Her breakdown?
You made her New Years start off with tears. No not because you broke up with her.
You're still too much of a coward to let her live her life out of your grasp.
She'd probably be so much happier without you but no.
You mess it up.
You make her night a living nightmare two nights in a row because you're selfish.
You only think about yourself and you play the victim from everyone else.
They suffered far much more than you.
You let yourself slip so carelessly and when others are affected you get mad.
So fucking angry that people care for you. What's wrong with you?!
Why the fuck are you letting things repeat?! You hate yourself because you're selfish.
Mom called you selfish for wanting to kill yourself because it's true.
Everything is about you.
"Ah you know I have a caring mother but death sounds better."
"Ah I have a father that wants to hug me but tearing the family apart because I feel like it is better"
"Ah I have a sister that wants to understand me but I'm gonna push her away"
"Ah I have a sister who just wants me to love my whole family but it'd much rather blame her for feeling rejected."
"Ah I have a girlfriend who loves and wants to spend time with me but i want to be moody and push her away instead"
You know how much of an asshole you are?
Yes you may hate that you treat her like a fucking glass statue that you need to hide in the closet when you feel like you can't smile anymore but fucking fix it!
You complain and complain and complain but you never do anything to help.
Just shut up and if you really wanna kill yourself do it already.
Die the fucking selfish asshole you are.
Die knowing you could've changed and made so many people happy.
Die knowing you tested not only your family apart but the angel you call a girlfriend to shreds.
Die knowing you left so many people who trusted you.
Die knowing you left your girlfriend with one moody conversation.
Die knowing everyone is so much happier without you.
Die knowing you left so many wonderful people behind that for some reason cared about you.
Die knowing your mom said she wouldn't last without you.
Die knowing your sisters hates you and that your father thinks you hate him.
You won't... you're a coward.
A coward who's not worthy of your girlfriend.
You're a coward who's so selfish they wish everyone hated you with a burning passion so you felt no guilt taking your own life.
You don't deserve what you have.
You complain so much you forget the good.
You're so caught up in yourself you forget that one smile from her would change everything.
Or did you?
You didn't.
You know that if you accepted and went through you'd be back to smiling, laughing maybe crying.
But you said no and hurt her because you're a coward.
A coward who's reliving the guilt, the flashbacks of your death, the memories, the thoughts, the urges.
She's worried but you put her in the closet.
She's worried and you are two.
Why put the wall there?
She could help.
She wants to.
Why stop her?
Because you feel like you're letting her down?
Using her.
You feel you're unworthy because she's done so much for you and you feel you've done so little.
She was one of the first to challenge you with real love and you don't know how to handle it.
You're such a fuck up you know that?
You're such a fucking joke.
An emotionless robotic asshole.
God why do you have to be so useless?
Dad thinks you're a mistake.
Sister won't even let you touch her
Mom thinks you're a selfish weirdo.
Your girlfriend loves you and repeatedly gushes on about it.
And you fuck it up.
Again.
And again.
What next?
What are you going to fuck up this year?