Thoughts in my head

Holy fuck-

Holy fuck.Holy fuck.Holy fuck.Holy fuck.Holy fuck.Holy fuck.Holy fuck.Holy fuck.Holy fuck.
What the fuck have I done? I fell in love. I fell into fucking love. Just a couple months ago I was confident in myself that I could focus on staying alive and just avoiding people that aren't good for me. I fell in love. I. Me. Parker. I fell in love and found out that I was pan and poly. What the actual fuck. I let my ex come back into my life and he's now back to being one of my best friends. What the fuck. I'm overthinking everything. Love makes things so much more complicated. I was open and caring to everyone from the start but love? I promised myself I didn't need to be in any kind of relationship. I promised myself if I couldn't handle myself that I could do what I can and die. The plan was to make the good impacts I could. Getting attached to anyone wasn't the deal. I wasn't supposed to fall in love and start planning futures. The plan was to survive and help others survive. The plan was to keep everything to myself and only share what I have to to help people. The fears are all still there I won't be the only one getting hurt because of them anymore. If I try to separate myself now everyone gets hurt. I'm so selfish. How do I prove my thoughts wrong when there's proof that they're right? I'm such a fuck up how the hell would a relationship work with me in it?! I'm gonna fuck everything up. I'm waiting for the day they say they regret ever meeting me. I know that day will come sooner or later. It has too. I can't have them repeatedly remind me why they're still with me. But I also can't just look back at a text. That text is old which means the feelings are old. What if they are only old feelings and they don't feel the same anymore? What If Im just holding on to something that will just drop me? I don't want them to leave but I don't want them to stay just because I'm broken and they were the only ones keeping me up right. What if I'm just going through a repeat of what's broken me and made me the mess I am today............... ahhhh! This isn't fair! This isn't fucking fair because there could actually be hope and everything is in my head! It's always in my head! I can never get out of my head! I don't want to hurt them! They don't deserve to get hurt! They put faith in me but I'll only let them down though! Why can't this be easier to handle? Why?! Why do I have to over think everything and breakdown.....