Thoughts in my head

Shut the fuck up.

Communication is too cool for you ya just gotta settle for the conflict in your head and the hard to fake smiles.
You noticed that?
You can't fake smiles anymore.
You only have a genuine smile with her or your mom.
You can't fake your happiness anymore.
Take it as a sign to move on and finally stop being a coward and fight your battle.
No more giving up.
No more wishing it was easier.
You have her and your mom and probably more if you reached out.
Try to use your voice.
Cry the healthy amount again.
Laugh with your happiness and on your mistakes.
Stop the reliving.
Start the new living.
Make memories.
Hold onto her until you're able to even tighter.
Listen to me enough to live.
Take in that your an asshole and be the person you want to be.
Parker you have dreams.
Let them come alive and stop crushing the butterflies.
The depression is okay.
The sadness is okay.
The happiness is more then welcomed.
She is more then welcome.
Let her be there for everything.
She's not a glass statue she's your girlfriend.
She's so strong and you know it.
Bring it out of her so she can know and believe  it herself.
She's got you.
You got her.
So stop being a fuck up.
Or at least own it in a good way.
It's 2021.
You ruined the first day.
This year will have its ups and downs but god please make up for it and do your best.
That includes not filtering out how much of an asshole your family can be and that you need to stand up for yourself when you get dead named.
That includes being better at school, you're a good student so own it.
That includes communicating with her.
Let her know your emotions.
Let her know you cry wanting to be in her arms.
Let her now how much you feel yourself on the verge of tears when thinking about finally being able to stand in front of her and kiss her.
Let her know that no matter what all you want is her there with you because she is the best person to have by your side.
Let her know you're very stupid under emotional pressure as is everyone because as much as you joke being a different species you're human.
Let her know she's not alone in her feelings.
She's not going to tell you you're weak.
She's gonna feel relief that she's not alone in the relationship you are both committed to.
Yes you have lots of problems but share them with her.
You know you're willing to suffer with her just as much as you are to laugh together.
You have to understand she's the same.
Don't compare yourself to her and how vulnerable she is with you.
You're different people which makes it so much easier to love each other and tell each other how special the other is.
She's in love with you and you're in love with her.
Face it and stop wishing you were in a harder situation thinking it'd be easier.
You're you so just live your life.
Make the best of it.
Enjoy the little things.
The songs that make you feel like you're on an adrenaline rush.
The songs that make you feel life is slowing down just for you to enjoy.
The dandelions.
The sunflower.
When the weather is just right.
Laughing with her.
Smiling at her.
Her gorgeous eyes.
Her freckles you wish you could see up close so you could make constellations out of.
The stars.
The moon.
The crisp night air.
The dark cloudy sky.
Laying comfortably with your cat.
Seeing the sunset.
The walks.
Getting really invested into that book.
The feeling when you get an idea you really like and are proud of.
Seeing the wind hug the tree branches.
The second hand emotions from the shows you watch or books you read.
Getting really into character when writing.
Just breathing.
Blame the past days on it being that time of month for your female body or too much time around your dad but remember that you can change yourself but you cannot change others.