ready to run [l.s]

chapter thirty one

A/N:

this is the chapter ive been most excited to write... but its gonna be sad.

OH AND LISTEN TO THE SONG- CAUSE LIKE ITLL MAKE IT BETTER

dear cass,
its THE chapter
im not really sorry
-lauren <3

TW// MENTIONS OF: self harm, drugging, suicidal thoughts, EDs, vomit. also signs of a panic attack.

___________
present day
august 27th 2014- no pov

harry was home alone for the day. thank god, it was a good thing. he didnt want anyone around him today.

not even louis.

but as he stared at the camera set up, he knew he really shouldnt be alone. he really shouldnt but he needs to be.

he took a sip of water from the plastic bottle that sat by hit feet before placing his hand a top the keyboard of his grand piano.

he hasnt used it in a while, but today seems to he the only day where he has the guts to do what hes about to do.

this is all for you he thought clutching to the single cross on his neck and you... he clutched the small paper air plane necklace as well.

its always been for the both of you, since day one.

as his thoughts werent wrong, he found himself procrastinating this difficult task.

all he has to do is play the piano. record it. post it to youtube. SIMPLE! but its not.

not simple.

not one bit.

but here he is. sitting at his piano, the camera in front of him, along with this stupid song he wrote at the age of sixteen- seventeen.

no person that young should have written a song like this. no never- but once again here harry sits tapping his foot trying to calm his nerves.

"just man the fuck up styles" he whispered.

very bad saying- but its all he could think of at the moment. just man up and it would all be over.

but nope.

harry styles isnt a man.

hes a fag-

factually yes its true. but in society its deemed wrong. hes deemed more feminine than male- the fact his dream is to do a photoshoot in a dress doesnt mean hes not male though now does it?

all hes ever done his whole life is push stereotypes. hes growing out his hair- long hair is deemed feminine.

he wears healed boots, flowery tops. wants to paint his nails. does it mean he wants to be a girl? no.

great hes getting off track now.

nice going harry.

all he has to do is get up and press the on button. then within a matter of minutes it would all be done with.

get up. click the button. sing.

will he do it? eventually he has too.

eventually everyone (niall and louis- potentially cass) will be walking through the door from their day- god knows where.

they will find him sitting on the piano bench, leg shaking, him- dissociating. which is NOT GOOD.

but finally- finally he got up and clicked the red on button and sat back down.