Trust Issues | Book One (ON HOLD)

1

October 2015

I pulled off my boxing gloves and sat on the bench. I pulled out my water and chugged it down. I breathed heavily and thought about my mom. She's probably out somewhere getting a drink. I pulled my shirt over my head and grabbed my bag and walked out of the building. I don't take boxing classes, I just box. It's a way to soothe my body. I walked to the bus stop and waited.

Meanwhile,

I walked into the house and closed the door behind me. I jogged upstairs and went to my room. I closed the door and went to the bathroom to take a shower. I stripped out of my clothes and got in. I washed my body and hair thoroughly. I turned off the water and got out drying myself off. I walked into my room and slipped on a long sleeve shirt with sweats and socks. I lifted my sleeve up a bit and saw the scar that I had plastered on myself when I was ten. I sighed and sat back down. I heard the front door open and heard my mom giggling. I opened my door a little and listened.

"Goodbye Steve." She said flirtatiously. I furrowed my eyebrows and bit my lip nervously. My mind instantly went back to that night.

Five and weak at the time. Didn't know what to do at the moment and couldn't do anything. To this day I blame myself for it.

I walked out of my room and peeked down the stairs. He was a tall muscular man with dark skin and plump lips and a big nose. I could see that my mom was clearly blushing like crazy. By the looks of this guy he looked suspicious. He didn't look like my mom's type. It's not like she has one anyways. I looked at him and he caught my stare.

"Who's this young lady?" His deep voice pierced through the walls.

"Oh. Um. This is my daughter, Lanisha." She said while looking at me.

"Lanisha this is Steve, a friend of mine." She said.

"Hello." He said. Without saying a word I walked upstairs to my room and shut the door. I already didn't like him. I didn't like his presence and the vibe he was sending throughout the room. I sat in my chair and leaned on my desk. I wish my dad would've been here. If my dad was here I wouldn't be this person that I am today. People tell me I'm too blunt, too mean, too quiet. I keep myself hidden from others. There's no reason for me to get to know them anyways. It's a waste of my time. I heard my door open and I jumped.

"It's just me." My mom said calmly. I took a deep breath and looked at her.

"So, what do you think?" She asked smiling widely.

"What do you mean what do I think?" I asked.

"About Steve." She said. I looked away from her and sighed, irritated by her question.

"Why would you even bring a man in here ma?" I asked.

"In our house?" I added.

"What do you mean?" She asked.

"You know what I mean!" I said standing to my feet.

"Do you not remember what happened last time!" I yelled.

"You were five!" She yelled.

"IT DOESN'T MATTER!"

"I WAS RAPED! YOUR FIVE YEAR OLD DAUGHTER!! ONLY I'M NOT FIVE ANYMORE!" I yelled.

"I DON'T LIKE ANY OF YOUR GUYS! NONE!" I yelled.

"FUCK A-" I began.

"WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE!" She yelled. I kept quiet and looked at her.

"Now, this is my house." She stated through her teeth.

"I will bring anybody I wish in here and you DON'T HAVE A SAY WHATSOEVER!" She yelled.

"Now-" She began.

"I came up here to give you some good news but it won't be good to you." She said.

"He asked me to marry him." She stated.

"I said yes."

"And we're moving in with him." She added. I started to feel my heart beat faster and my palms getting sweaty. I raised my hand up and slapped my mom. She gasped and held her cheek in her hand. She looked at me. She wrapped her hands around my neck and pushed me back. I grabbed her arm and unraveled her fingers and punched her in the stomach.

"GET THE HELL OUT OF MY ROOM!!" I yelled. I pushed her out and slammed the door in her face and locked it. I've never hit my mom before. The only thing I have really hit is the punching bag. I sat on my bed and breathed heavily. I put my hands to my face and cried.

Does she not remember what happened to her little petite five year old? Did she not learn that welcoming men into her life isn't as good as she thinks it is? Sometimes I think she doesn't even care. She just wants someone to give her love and shower her with luxury. I'm like a ghost. Only when I come around she notices. I just wish I had a place I could go and just stay there forever. No people, no interruptions.