bucket list || l. norris

thirty two

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Kissing him is the best feeling in the world.

I want to kiss him now; today, tomorrow and forever. I want him to be my boy. I want to call him mine, and for him to call me his.

Being here in Paris, with him by my side, is everything I've ever wanted. Listening to my parents talk about how loved up they were in Paris confirmed to me that I wanted to experience every single second of that with Lando. No one else.

The way he holds me, kisses me, and brushes the hair out of my face. How he looks at me when I'm talking, so attentively, and taking in every single word. Feeling him take my fingers between his with the sweetest smile on his lips, his eyes wide, and my heart racing. Just being close to him is enough. I'm in love with him, but I don't know how to say that without sounding dumb.

I give everything to him, and he gives everything to me. We just work. We're soulmates. Everyone knows it, including us, but we're too afraid to admit it. I, for one, am terrified of destructing him when I go. When I have to say goodbye. When he has to let me go. Whenever that may be. I think about it all of the time.

But I can't let that stop us. We are so in love. And I'm running from the truth because I don't know how to stand before him and look him in the eye, and tell him 'I'm in love with you'. I don't know how to apologise for escaping from the one thing we need to talk about the most. The longer I put it off, the deeper I fall. It's hurting me. Is it hurting him, too?

--

I awoke from my dream with Micah by my side. He shook me awake, realising that I was beginning to sweat and talk in my sleep. My breathing was out of control and I was burning up. I rushed to the bathroom and sat on the cool tiles, catching my breath and realising what I'd just seen in my head, and what I now knew. Micah sat with me until I calmed down, and we decided to start our day then instead of going back to sleep. We got dressed and headed to our favourite cafe for breakfast. It was perfect.

"Now," he relaxed as we pulled into the underground car park of mine and Lando's apartment block. Micah brought the car to a stop and lifted the handbrake. He looked at me. "Don't worry about me. I'm feeling better, thanks to you, and now I need some time to myself, to process everything. Focus on Lando. I don't want to see you again until you two are official."

I looked at Micah with knitted eyebrows. I knew it wouldn't be that simple, although I wanted it to be. I knew exactly what I wanted to say to him, and I'd practically scripted it in my head, but I feared messing it up and it all coming out wrong.

"Mila, it's going to be fine," it seemed like I was pissing Micah off with all of my hesitations and the paranoia which was rushing through my veins. "Go! I know you're desperate to see him. Tell him everything you told me last night. Be honest. Don't hide it anymore, you two deserve to be together."

"Okay, okay," I exhaled and undid my seatbelt, glancing at my suitcase on the backseat. I was yet to unpack. "I'll call you later, alright? Thanks for bringing me here."

"Thank you for being there for me yesterday. I really needed it." He pressed a kiss to my forehead before I left the car, giving my brother a firm nod and a wide smile.

I headed up to our apartment, my keys in my hand, and nerves bubbling in my stomach and coursing through my veins. Seeing Lando again and talking to him about Paris had been on my mind all morning, and all night in fact, considering I relived those moments in my dreams. I felt embarrassed to face up to the way I reacted.