bucket list || l. norris

forty six

* i love writing this story so much. i hope you're all loving it too. however, i have noticed that engagement is low (in terms of votes & comments to how many people are reading) so please, if you're reading this right now, drop a comment! i honestly love reading everyone's opinions or thoughts about what they've read... and sometimes it makes me giggle because i know what's going to happen and you don't... oops! anyway, as always, i hope you enjoy this chapter. stay safe! *

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I was disgruntled when I heard the sound of my alarm. Setting it last night - at 1am - was painful, but I knew when Lando and I left the circuit last night, we knew that we wouldn't be sleeping as soon as we arrived at the hotel. Although we had one another, leaving Spa was painful. It was the only emotion we knew how to feel - pain.

I turned my alarm off and did my best to move only a little, glancing at my sleeping boyfriend awkwardly, as he buried his face further into my neck. He deserved to rest. After yesterday, we all deserved to rest. My head still felt sore and my eyes puffy from the tears. Once they started, they didn't seem to stop.

Anthoine died at six thirty-five yesterday evening. McLaren shared their condolences online an hour later. We were given the news just before it was posted to Twitter by the FIA.

My heart was heavy and my head aching as I gripped onto Cisca's hand, surrounded by our families. Since the accident on track, Cisca had been very visibly shaken up, probably like any mother would be. She couldn't stop talking about Anthoine's family, and how she hoped they could be with him right now, but we weren't very sure. We knew as much as anyone else in the McLaren hospitality building. Waiting for news was painful; each minute felt like a lifetime.

Lando was in an engineering debrief - physically - but mentally, he was probably the furthest away from work mode he had ever been. When he left my side to head to the meeting, he looked at me sadly. I could see in his eyes that he wanted to kiss me, but we were surrounded by our colleagues at all angles, and Jon wasn't here to hide us anymore. I reassured him that we would be together soon - just him and I.

"I hope his family are okay," Cisca muttered. "That they are with him."

I nodded my head. Something was in the air, and it didn't feel good.

Alesi had been cleared from the medical centre. Correa was still at the medical centre, like Hubert. We were yet to be told anything about their condition, and the wait was absolutely terrifying, but Correa was conscious and responsive. I couldn't stop thinking about them, or about the drivers who witnessed that accident, knowing it would stay with them for life.

I had no idea what it must feel like, as a mother, to know that your child - your baby - had been involved in an accident which could prove fatal. Like, how must it feel to be away from them as they risk their lives, and it's their job? I loved Lando, and I felt the fear each time he climbed into the cockpit although I knew the car was safe, and he was safe, but it would never compare to the fear Cisca felt.

Andreas soon appeared in the canteen, where the majority of the team were waiting, minus the drivers and a few engineers. The mood among us was obvious, and when Andreas appeared with Zak following behind him, I believed everyone's emotions shifted even further, and we all felt the same. He didn't even need to say anything. I knew what he was going to tell us, and I didn't want to hear it.