bucket list || l. norris

thirty eight

* hey! how are you all? it feels like forever since i uploaded. i am trying my best but i have lots of other things to do, plus uni starts again in a few weeks so updates really might become less frequent. i am so sorry, but so thankful to everyone who sticks around! i've noticed that my reads and my overall engagement has dipped recently - i'm probably to blame for that with my poor updating schedule - but if you are reading this, please interact. it really means a lot to me as a writer who does this for free and it always cheers me up to see your comments! i love knowing what you think of bucket list and i always try to reply to as many people as i can! let's get my engagement up again! enjoy this chapter <3 *

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I think I'm going to die soon.

I have a feeling.

Day two of our official summer break. Mum, dad and Micah flew out to Croatia yesterday afternoon. Lando and I dropped them at the airport. Mum made Lando promise that he would take good care of me, while I questioned if she realised that we'd been travelling the world together for months now and looking after me was something he did without thinking.

What mum didn't realise was how bad I was becoming at worrying about death. I wanted it all to go away but I'd been getting lost in the black hole called Google. The worst part was, I'd been hiding it all from Lando, despite promising to tell him anything that was playing on my mind.

I wanted to know every fine detail. Every symptom, every potential painful or nagging feeling. Without that, I would be doing myself a disservice because while growing up, I always wanted to know as much as possible about my illness.

I battled with myself to stay away from my phone. Each time I unlocked it, my eyes went straight to the Safari widget and I had to refrain myself from opening it and typing something that would send me into an unhealthy spiral. I found myself obsessing over the search results every time Lando left me alone. It was bad for me.

Lando was beginning to realise that there was something going on, just like I was beginning to understand that there was something seriously wrong in my head. My sleep was getting worse as the days went on. At night, I would lie there, Lando by my side, with the desire to check Google and search for something new burning in my stomach. So, as a result of less sleep, I was feeling more grouchy. Even when I wake up, I find myself worried sick about not waking up the next day. Lando knows me too well not to realise that something is wrong.

"Are you still feeling up for dinner tonight?" Lando appeared from the front room, as I stood by the smoothie blender in the kitchen, preparing some fruit to throw into the blender. Tonight would be our first ever official date. "I've noticed you've been feeling a little down. We don't need to go out if you aren't feeling up for it."

"No, we are going," I smiled, putting the knife onto the chopping board and stepping backwards to focus my full attention on Lando. "I've been looking forward to it."

"Okay," Lando pulled me close and brushed a strand of my hair away from my eyes. "I'm excited."

"Me too." I kissed Lando's nose before going back to the smoothie that I was making to keep my energy up. He lingered in the kitchen, picking at the strawberries I was yet to put back in the fridge.

"Do you think Micah will meet someone in Croatia?" With a mouthful of strawberries, Lando sat on the bench top, his legs dangling over the side of it. I poured some apple juice into the blender. "Like, someone serious. Not a fling."