bucket list || l. norris

thirty six

* a bit of a different chapter today - i thought i'd upload now since i made you wait so long for the last chapter! make sure you comment throughout and vote at the end - it all means so so much to me! i appreciate all the support. enjoy <3 *

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I have lived with the fear of dying ever since I was young enough to understand aortic stenosis.

My parents sat me down one day and they told me my heart was a little more poorly than Lando's, that it was different. They didn't tell me why or how. I know they didn't want to scare me. But I just scared myself.

As a young girl, I couldn't really understand the concept of death and I definitely struggled to understand the possibility of premature death.

But we are all put on this Earth to die.

In my nightmare, I'm always at the MTC.

I'm at the MTC and it's bustling with people. There's never a moment of silence or peace. But I like that. It's the type of environment I need because it works as a distraction. There's no time for me to get lost in my own head. Lando is always close by. I feel safe here.

But then, a stabbing sensation sears through my chest knocks me. I reach out for the closest thing I can find with my hand. My fingers press up against the wall and I pause to take a deep breath. In. And out. It doesn't seem to help. I mutter. I just want to continue going about my business like everybody else.

It just gets worse. The pain gets worse and it begins to hurt so bad that I can't stand up. Lando is right beside me. He notices that I can't stand and he pulls a chair out for me.

"Can someone grab a bottle of water?" I can make out his words, but my head is sore and my eyes are clouding over. Everything looks blurry. Lando crouches down so that he is at eye level with me. I can just about make out his face, but I feel dizzy. My chest hurts. "Hey. Mila? Can you hear me okay?"

I nodded my head but I couldn't dampen my mouth quick enough to reply with words. Lando gripped onto my hand and I gave it a tight squeeze.

He's always here. Every time I'm here and this happens, he is always here. He tells me to keep my eyes open and to keep breathing. It's like he knows what's happening and is begging me to stay.

I think my main reason to fear death is leaving Lando behind. We are inseparable, and have been ever since we were two small babies. I love him. He loves me. Our bond is like nothing I've ever known. My heart is literally beating for him. I would never have lasted all these years without his love and just having him by my side.

I always close my eyes and wish this hadn't happened to me. I wouldn't wish this feeling on my worst enemy. I wouldn't wish my condition on my worst enemy. Nobody deserves this. Why me?

My parents are not to blame. In all honesty, we don't know how or why I was stricken with this illness. Although things were resolved when I was a baby to allow me to live a normal life, the risk of that changing was always very much prominent. I always think about it.

When it all ends, I won't need to worry about the uncertainty anymore. I don't know when I will die. But, when I do, it won't cross my mind anymore. Yet, it will leave a hole in the heart of my loved ones and there will be a new void that they can never fill. I know that. I know that I am loved and I am appreciated. It terrifies me to think about leaving them behind. The only thing I can think of is being put on this planet to cause destruction.

Lando is always here when this happens.

There is nothing I can do anymore and I fall to the floor with an almighty thud, because I've lost all control of my body. I hear him cry for help. It's a scream. A blood-curdling scream which rings through my ears. He is scared.