train wreck ✓

sixty-two.

"i'd never leave you, okay?"

miles' eyes seemed to challenge me, never wavering from mine. and then his lips parted as he closed his eyes and let the words fall from his pale pink death machines.

"she jumped."

he seemed to be waiting for me to react badly, waiting for me to leave and never speak to him again but all i could do was sit beside him. my mouth was open as i tried to find words, miles effectively cutting me off as he gained the strength to continue, "i was drunk one night and we were arguing about her coming back to our apartment way too late..."

he scratched at his wrists as his head leaned itself on my shoulder, "i-i knew she was upset but i didn't understand how on the edge she actually was."

miles started rubbing at his face as he let out a shaky breath, "she called me a stupid drunk with mommy issues and a life that was going nowhere and i told her that she was being bitchy. for some reason, i remember telling her that working the street corner gives her no right to judge me, my justification was the fact that she'd always go out and come back with hickeys on her neck and someone else's shirt on... it felt like it was never going to end."

and then his head was in his hands, as my eyes aligned with the tattoos littered up his arms. one in particular that stood out 'dead man walking,' reminding me of the threat he'd received. the tattoo looked new, not as faded as the others, "she heard lies and saw pictures taken out of context and she thought i was cheating, she thought i was using her. but i would never cheat on her... on anyone..."

"she assumed i was taking advantage of her and i can't help but think i was. and that night i was drunk, she hit me. i-i pushed her away but i promise you i never touched her in any way to cause her harm. she told people i was abusing her... she told me um-"

i squeezed his hand as if to assure him i was still there, "breathe, miles. breathe."

"she told me that i was the only reason she was still living and that she ruined everything. she said she was a let down and she hated herself and she threatened to kill herself if i left. her brother found her body, skull smashed, on the pavement."

i heard his voice strain as he recalled exactly what happened, his breathing heavy as no doubt flashbacks played through his mind, there was still that tight grip on my hand.

and i held him as his whole body shook, his head still in his hand, his teeth gritted in pain and the tears hitting the concrete, "oh my god-"

he was trying not to cry although it was futile, he was revealing himself to me, he was holding on for his life, "i was her boyfriend, i could've saved her- i-i should've saved her."

"no miles... it is not your fault she took her life. she lost all hope and- and there was nothing you could do about that." i stuttered out, trying to convince him as he repeatedly shook his head, placing all blame on himself as if it were his.

but that blame was too big of a duffle for him to carry.