Jacqueline's Lesson In (Failed) Recovery

Let Me Die

Four months later

I come home from school and throw myself onto the bed. I groan quietly. Meg brings me a snack, looking at me suspiciously. I look around the room and I know, deep within, it's time. I'm tired, I'm so very very tired. I go to the bathroom and I open the medicine cabinet. I bite my lip, am I ready to leave? The answer is yes, I'm ready to leave this world. I find Tylenol, Benadryl, my sleeping pills, anti-depressants, and a mouth wash containing alcohol. I pour all the pills into a cup on the sink. There's probably about a hundred or so here. I'm going to die, finally. I chew up and swallow all the pills. I quickly chug the mouth wash, not worrying about the taste. I fall to my knees, weak suddenly. I lay down slowly, focusing on the cold floor. I smile to myself.
I close my eyes and relax. My body shakes and I prepare myself for one last breath as my heart slows down. I take one last shaky breath before seeing a bright light. I'm actually dead! I actually succeeded!! Then, the light grows further and further away. Then, I can hear what's really happening. "Her BP is low, her O2 levels are low, her heart rate is very, very low, how much did she take?" an unfamiliar voice says. Meg replies "all of them!" "It's a miracle she's still alive." the unfamiliar voice says to Meg. I feel like I'm floating and like everything's going to be alright.
Then, I hear Olivia's voice. "Jackie! Please, please, PLEASE don't give up!! You have so much left on Earth. I'm not ready to see you, neither is God. You're not going to succeed like you want, if God and I have anything to do with it. I'm sorry, I know how tired you are.....you're more tired than I was." she says, making me feel sick. "Livey, I had to. I'm so tired, I have to." I respond. I hear Olivia getting further and further away.
"Let me die!!!!!!!" I scream as I try to move my body. I snap my eyes open and see my body being loaded into an ambulance. "Wait, my body!" I exclaim as I climb in with the paramedics. "Hang in there, sweetie." a paramedic says to me. "Wait, I thought I was dead!" I cry. The monitors suddenly seem sporadic and they start yelling orders back and forth. "What's happening?" I ask. No one answers me. "Where's Meg?" I ask. I'm ignored again. I see Meg's car following the ambulance. I sigh, but then I see her car smash into another car. "No!!!!!!" I scream as I punch the bench I'm sitting on.
"No, stay with us!" the female paramedic says as I see a light approach me then disappear. I start crying as I watch what they put my body through. Just let me die. Then, the ambulance stops suddenly. They open the doors and rush me inside. "We need to pump her stomach!" a doctor says. I feel something in my nose. I can feel everything and it's horrible. I gag and watch them suction the medicine out of my stomach. "Now, we flush her system and wait." he sighs. They turn the fluids I was connected to on a fast flow and continue monitoring me.
Then, I'm taken to another section of the hospital. I go back to the emergency room to see them bringing Meg in. She looks broken. "No!" I scream as I rush over to her. I see them rush her to surgery and I run down the halls, screaming and crying. "Wait!! Where's Wendy?!!??" I ask.
I run back to the emergency room to see my other aunt, Petunia, asking about us. "Jacqueline is in the ICU, she had her stomach pumped and her system flushed. Meg is in surgery and the young girl......Wendy.......is not in our system." a social worker says. Petunia falls against my uncle, Joe. He holds her as they're led to a waiting room. I hear screaming in the waiting room and I rush in to hear the worst part. "Wendy was ejected from the vehicle and she was basically splattered on the pavement." the social worker says. I look at her name tag which reads 'Monica'. She's very bad at social work if that's how she explains Wendy's death!
Then, I feel something unusual. I rush to my body to see a nurse holding my hand. I start crying. "I'm right here honey, I'm not going anywhere. I don't know your story, but I know you were raped and I know you were in therapy. I assume that all has something to do with it. Just, decide to stay and you'll wake up." she says softly. I shake my head, tears running down my face. I can't 'decide to stay' because I'll just try to kill myself again because I hate this world and my life. She mumbles something as she looks at the monitors. "No baby. You're going in the wrong direction. Stay, this is all your fight." she coes. I feel my heart wrench as I try not to cry harder.
"I'm sorry." I whisper before making the choice to leave. I walk towards the ever present wall of light. "I'm sorry, but I can't do this anymore.....I have to leave." I whisper. "It's time to let me die." I say as I fall into the wall of light.