Jacqueline's Lesson In (Failed) Recovery

Diagnosis

"I used to be a happy girl." I think. I am now thirteen. I have long, light blonde hair and blue eyes. I'm extremely pale. My sister, Olivia, looks the same. I used to be an actress and a musician. I once was very popular, but that didn't matter to me. My twin sister Olivia was, and still is, my world. It revolves around protecting her and making sure she's alright. She used to have panic disorder, but she got over it. We're in an abusive situation at home, so we always have to be alert. Olivia is also an actress, but she isn't much of a musician. We always do little plays in our room. We have a lot of scripts on our book shelf. My problems began about four years. I had gotten very depressed. One day, Olivia came into my room and asked me to do a play with her. I yelled at her to leave me alone, tears running down my face. Olivia had ran out, turning red. I was grounded for a few weeks, in that time I had gotten very depressed. A few months later, my mood shifted dramatically. I was energetic and I didn't need to eat, drink, or sleep. I was at my Aunt Meg's house. I was told to sit still. I just couldn't. I wanted and needed to keep going. I was so hyper. I ran out the house, without any shoes, and I ran down the streets, screaming something about freedom. I was almost hit by a car that day. Olivia had to take me back to Meg's house. My Dad beat me with a belt with glass and thorns embedded in it. The cycle of depression and hyperactivity where always going. I'd be depressed for about two months, then I'd take risks and be really happy and energetic for at the most a month. My mom ended up taking me to the doctor after four years of this. She wanted to know why I was acting so weird. I thought these were normal mood swings.
"Your daughter has Bipolar Disorder. I'm sorry, I know this isn't what you wanted to hear, but her symptoms match the textbook case. She will struggle with this for a long time, but hopefully she can deal with it without medicine or traditional therapies. Now, Jacqueline, I need you to fill out a questionnaire about the severity of your disorder. I'll be back in about fifteen minutes dear." Dr. Tia says. I take the packet and get my ink pen. I fill it out, knowing I have Bipolar. I have a short fuse, I'm a risk taker, often taking VERY dangerous risks, I also have periods of depression that lasts about three months, followed by periods of happiness and hyper-activity for a month or two. I feel worried that I'll never get this under control and one day, I might die or kill myself.
Dr. Tia comes back in to score my questionnaire. I definitely have moderate Bipolar Disorder. "She has moderate bipolar disorder, her depression is very bad and her risk taking and mania is also bad. Her depression lasts longer than a normal case, so that sends a red flag. I understand you're probably concerned, so any questions?" she explains. My mom speaks up immediately. "Is this deadly?" she asks. "Her risk taking can be and she's at a higher risk for suicide and self-harm. I suggest just monitoring her and if her risks become too risky, take her to the hospital and if she shows suicidal tendencies, take her to the hospital as well. As for self harm, put her in therapy of she does show signs of it. Any others?" Dr. Tia explains, much to my mother's horror.
I get angry and run out. I sit in the car and wait. My mom comes out thirty minutes later. "Hey, we'll get through this. I'm not putting you in therapy, yet. I want to see how strong you are. I know you are strong enough to keep,going and to control your moods." my mom says. I squeeze here hand and wait for us to pull out. "Want to get some lunch.....just us?" my mom asks. I nod, my twin sister is still in school and my dad is still working. "Can we go pick Olivia? I think I need to talk to her." I say. My mom nods. We drive to the middle school me and my sister go to. I ask for Olivia and she's signed out. "We need to talk at the restaurant. It's about what Dr. Tia found out." I warn. I see Olivia tense up in worry. I put my hand on her knee and try to fake a smile. We pull into my favorite restaurant and we order our food. My mom called Dad out of work to tell him. I sit with Olivia in a far away booth.
"Olivia, there's something wrong with my moods. You know I have depression and mania periods. That's not normal mood swings. Dr. Tia diagnosed me with moderate to severe Bipolar Disorder. Mom isn't putting me in therapy or on medicine, but this could be very bad, the doctor said my depression could get to the point where I kill myself and my mania causes risk taking, which I could be too risky and die. A lot can go wrong, but mom is trusting me to manage my moods without any help. I hope I can because I don't want to be in the hospital or dead or in therapy or on medication!" I explain. Olivia starts to cry. I feel bad. I begin to cry too. "I'll be okay. I promise, I'm not going anywhere, we'll make this work. Also, there's a fifty percent chance of you having it." I warn. Olivia seems worried. "You don't have any symptoms so we think you're fine. I know Mom's taking this hard, but I knew it all along and I don't want this to be hard on you, so just treat me like normal." I say gently.
Olivia smiles and holds my hand as we eat. I finish and we go to the park across the street and swing, just like when we were seven through eleven. We're still so close, I know she must be hurting. I go to the car as my mom and dad hug and go to their separate cars. Olivia and I decide to go home and relax. At home, my mood shifts from happy to depressed, suddenly. I push my sister out and lay down. I cry for a very long time. I don't know what's wrong with me. Olivia comes in a few hours later. I look up and feel angry. "Get out!!!! I hate you!!! We can't be sisters because you don't understand!!!" I scream as tears run down my face. She leaves quickly. I hear her telling our mom. She apologizes for me. Is this my disorder? I didn't mean to lash out, it just hurts. I cry myself to sleep and scream at my mom when she wakes me up for dinner. I go right back to crying until I black out. I wish I didn't have this fight.