Jacqueline's Lesson In (Failed) Recovery

Hospitalized Part Three

"Jackie!" I hear a familiar voice say. I roll over and the sun shines in my face. I sit up quickly. "Olivia!!" I cry. "She's okay, she went home. Your mom said she loves you. What's wrong?" Evelyn says, sounding weak. "Bad dream." I mumble. Evelyn nods, looking exhausted. "Are you okay?" I ask, still sleepy. "Just tired." Evelyn lies. I don't question her. I take the medicine she holds out and look around at the room. It's so dull and there are a lot of precautions. I'm wearing sweat pants and a hospital shirt. I don't remember changing, but I don't want to know. "You have therapy." Evelyn says. I get up and pull hair into a top knot. We walk down the halls. I'm looking around nervously. We go into an elevator and we're back on the floor Evelyn's office is on. We walk into her office and she closes the door after flipping the sign on the door over to red.
"How're you feeling?" she asks, sounding disinterested. "Sad, afraid, uncomfortable, panicky." I admit softly. "Why are you afraid, uncomfortable, and panicky?" Evelyn asks. I shrug, I really don't know. "Do you know?" she asks. I shake my head. "I want to try something. I'm licensed in hypnotherapy, but I don't use it often, but I want to see if that would help you." Evelyn says. I shrug again. "Okay, lay down and get comfortable." Evelyn instructs. I doubt this will work, but I'll try. "Okay, relax your body and take a deep breath. In through your nose, hold it for a second, and out." Evelyn says soothingly. I follow her instructions, feeling myself slip into something unusual. I can't move my body. "Now, you are calm and happy. Breathe in happiness and out fear and sadness." Evelyn instructs. The 'session' continues like this for a while. "And you're awake." Evelyn says. I blink my eyes and sit up.
"Did that do anything?" she asks, sounding a little whiny. "I feel funny. It's like my body is heavy and I'm calm." I say, smiling. Evelyn looks satisfied. "Great, I hope that those effects last. Now, as for your depression, we're going to try another medicine meant for Bipolar Depression and see if it gets better. On a scale of one to ten, how do you rate your depression?" Evelyn asks. "Eight." I admit. "Is there anything in your life I should know? Abuse, rape, deaths?" Evelyn asks. I feel panicked deep inside. "No, nothing like that." I lie convincingly. Evelyn seems to relax. "Do you still feel the effects of hypnosis?" she asks. I shake my head. "You aren't very suggestible so it will wear off quickly, so it's not the best treatment for you." Evelyn explains. "Let's try to learn some coping methods for you to use instead of self harm. How about when you feel angry you throw ice at the bathtub wall, when you feel sad take a hot bath or write or paint, when you feel numb flick a hair bow against your wrist or squeeze ice cubes?" Evelyn suggests. I sigh and nod. "I'll try those when I go home. Is today day one or day two?" I ask. "Today is day one, you can't leave just yet." Evelyn says.
"Let's go back to your room. I'll see you after lunch." Evelyn says. I go to the cafeteria and get in line. I get my food and eat quickly. I go back to my room and feel the urge to cut bury into me. I stand and pace, near tears. I look at my admission information packet. It says that when I have urges to find my nurse and talk. I stumble out of my room and I see my nurse at the nurses' desk. "C-can I t-talk to you?" I ask sadly. She nods and we go into an office. "I want to cut." I admit, tears rolling down my face. "Okay, well, how about you go to the rec area where I can see you to distract yourself until group therapy?" she suggests gently.
I nod and go to the living room like area. I decide to scribble in a coloring book to calm myself. I get blue and scribble slowly, feeling depressed. I do that for about 45 minutes. "Time for group therapy." the nurse says. I sigh and put up the book and crayons. "Where do I do?" I whisper. "Second door on the right on the third hall." she directs. I go in and sit. Everyone else is already here. "Let's go around and introduce ourselves." Gothel says. She introduces herself and we go around the circle. "Jacqueline, but most people call me Jackie." I introduce myself shyly. We talk about how we feel for an hour before we go to lunch. I eat quickly and Evelyn is waiting by my door. "Your nurse said you had an urge right after you got back, why?" she asks. "I don't know. It just appeared." I try to explain. Evelyn hugs me gently as I start to cry. "You didn't give in. I'm so proud of you." she says softly. I go into my room and sit down. She sits beside me. Is she going against her professionalism? Will she get fired? Impossible. She isn't very professional, so if she hasn't been fired yet then this isn't much of a problem.
"I wish this would go away." I mumble, looking down. "Do you want to go up to my office?" she asks. I shake my head. "How about you write?" she suggests, clearly worried about me. I shake my head again. I don't want to do anything. "Jackie, I'm worried. How has medicine been helping?" she asks. "It hasn't." I sigh as I lay down. "Jackie, please.....can you explain a little how you feel? Your therapy is kind of stalling and I'm running out of ideas." Evelyn admits. "I don't know how! I'm just sad. There hasn't been anything that happened that makes me this way, I'm just.......this way." I say, getting frustrated. Tears are in both of our eyes and we both know that she's not quite the right therapist for me. "I'm sorry!" I cry softly. Evelyn tries to keep her distance. "You know this isn't working anymore, right?" Evelyn asks. I nod, tears burning my eyes. "I'm going to transfer you to someone I trust.....someone I know could help. I just need to talk to her and get my emotions and........stuff together. I'm sorry." Evelyn says, sounding very unprofessional.
Evelyn leaves quickly, looking flushed and upset. I cry, feeling like a complete failure. I'm forced to another group session and I don't speak. I feel numb now. I decide to push my emotions aside and act happy. "Great!" I say when asked how I am. I fall asleep late tonight, feeling like I'm a horrible person. I wake up to Evelyn standing at the door. "You know it kills me I can't help you, right?" Evelyn asks. I shake my head. "Well, it does. I'm mad at myself for not helping. I have to do what's best for you. I talked to the woman I want to take you on as a patient. It's going to push her work load a lot, but she wants to help more than me. I know her very personally. She is very sweet and I think she will help you manage this and if not she has a lot of references she can transfer you to. I'm usually one of them, but if I refer you to her, she probably won't refer you back to me." Evelyn explains just as I'm about to be released. I take the card Evelyn holds out and she pulls me into a hug. I smile gently and get into my mom's car. We drive away and I lay against the window, smiling, just barely.