Jacqueline's Lesson In (Failed) Recovery

All My Fault

"She's dead. She hung herself, obviously." the police officer said. "No, she didn't.....impossible!!" I cry. Meg holds me as I cry into her. She's crying too. "Please exit the room." the policeman says, pushing us out. I push my face into Meg so I don't see my dead twin being rolled out of the house in a body bag. "Why??!!!!!" I scream. Meg tries to calm herself. "She.....couldn't keep living in pain. Shh......shh..........it's not your fault........you couldn't have stopped her." Meg soothes. I go up to bed and cry myself to sleep. The next thing I know, I wake up in the car. "You wouldn't wake up, it's time for therapy." Meg says. I cry, picking back up on the feeling of the fact my twin killed herself. I'm guided into the center and I go back quickly. I open the door and see Evelyn writing. "Evelyn!!!!!!!!" I yell. "Oh my goodness!! When did you get in here???!!!!!" Evelyn snaps. "I let myself in! When I tell you the horrible, horrible, awful, terrible, tragic news you'll be reduced to a puddle of tears!!!!!!!" I yell, tears dripping off my chin. "What's going on? Come on, tell me quickly!!! What's so horrible, horrible, awful, terrible, and tragic???" Evelyn asks, standing up, looking worried. "Olivia killed herself!!" I cry.
Evelyn gasps. She sits me down, looking pale and distressed. "How? Wait, when?" Evelyn asks. "She hung herself last night. I was the one who found her. It's my fault." I cry. Evelyn looks angry. "No, she didn't kill herself because of you. In therapy she expressed her tiredness and frustrations with her life. She was probably planning this and one little thing triggered her! I feel so guilty! I could have saved her if I had pried a little more!! Oh my God. You must feel terrible, that was your twin!!!" Evelyn says, tears running down her face. "No duh!!! I yelled at her because she was perfectly fine and I can't have kids! I found her fifteen minutes later. She died because of me!!!" I cry. "Nothing you did caused this." Evelyn says softly. I shake my head, refusing to belief her. "Dear, don't beat yourself up over this!!" Evelyn says, sounding more involved then I expected.
"Shut up!!!" I snap, moving away. "Jackie," Evelyn begins. "Please. Just shut up!" I choke, tears running down my face. "Let me finish!" Evelyn snaps, growing irritated with me. I shake my head, she doesn't understand. "If you beat yourself up over this you can't heal. She expressed her idea a little in therapy, but I didn't think much of it. I should have asked more questions, but if I beat myself up over it, then there is no healing that will take place. That's the same with you dear!!! Don't.........don't..........do this to yourself!!! I can't watch you do this to yourself. I don't want you to hurt more than you have to!!!" Evelyn says, moving closer to me. I want to scream at her, but I can't. I'm crying too hard to be angry. "I know it hurts. It will get easier with time. I'm not going to say time will heal the pain because it won't, it will always hurt, but you will kind of put a scab over the pain to protect yourself. Does that make sense?" Evelyn comforts me gently. I cry into her shoulder.
"When's the funeral and viewing? I might go." Evelyn asks. "The viewing is tomorrow evening at six and the funeral is the day after that at one." I answer. "I know I'm going to the viewing......I don't know if I can make it to the funeral. I probably can. How's Meg doing?" Evelyn answers. "She's doing better than me." I whisper trying to calm down a little. Evelyn nods. "She wasn't as close to her, but I imagine it's hard on her too. Don't be too hard on her, she's hurting too." Evelyn says. I cry harder. "Sweetheart.........Olivia won't have to fight her disorder anymore, but there will always be damage right behind her. The school is in crisis because of her death and you haven't thought of school once. You know she's dead. I wish I could bring her back, I think I failed at my job." Evelyn tries to reassure me. I shake my head, why is she so accurate??
"I'm not going to fail you, but you can't give up. You're beautiful and you will feel better eventually. Now, what's your mood today?" Evelyn says, pretending to be confident with her skills. "Depressed, lost, angry, guilty." I answer, knowing it was a stupid question. "Oh, duh!! Stupid question, sorry. How about.............hmm..............you clean out her room?" Evelyn suggests. I start crying again, I don't want to accept she's dead. "Or..............what's a big challenge for you?" Evelyn asks, not wanting to upset me again. "Hmm.................talking about a memory with Olivia. Ugh, I can't even think about her!!" I cry. Evelyn looks sad. "I know. She was so sweet. She hid it all for so long. I remember when I first met her, she was so sweet and innocent. I instantly cared beyond measure about her. Eventually, she seemed to be recovered, but I was too stupid to see facts, I know that panic disorder doesn't 'go away', but I wasn't the most experienced." Evelyn shares. I start crying. "Wait, this is all your fault!! You didn't do anything to help her!! You didn't listen to her long enough or well enough to know if she would kills herself!!!! How could you let a suicide threat slip away?!" I yell. "Jackie, calm down. This wasn't all my fault and it seems like she had this idea for a very long time and yesterday just set it all off." Evelyn says gently. "No!! You did this, you made her want to die and I'll never forgive you!! You were her psychologist, how did you not see this coming, you idiot?? I hate you!!!! Really, I do!! Don't say I don't!! This is the last time you'll ever see me! My sister died because of your negligence!!!!!!!" I scream, tears dripping off my chin. "Jackie, your hysterical!!" Evelyn tries to reason. "I know what I'm saying and I mean it all. If you were a better psychologist you wouldn't have been so stupid!" I say before walking out. I lay in the car and cry myself to sleep during the ride home. I wake up on the couch. I wander into Olivia's room. The room is how it was left last night. The police laid the rope on the bed and I find a note thrown on the night stand.
I pick it up with trembling fingers. I feel sick to my stomach, like I might barf any minute. I lock the door and sit down on the bed. I open the note and read the first line.
"I tried for so long to be happy. I'm sorry. I can't do this anymore. My sister's disorder is getting worse, I know she'll be with me soon. Mom and dad didn't care, so this doesn't hurt me to do this to them. Meg....I'm sorry. I've tried to ignore the attacks and feel better, but I'm so depressed and afraid I can't do this again! Therapy doesn't work. I tried to tell this to Evelyn, but she didn't listen. She wouldn't believe me. I'm going to die soon. See the next paper for individual letters. Give these to each person." the first page reads. I start crying. I flip through and see a letter for me, which is three pages long, a letter to Evelyn which is a page long, one for mom and dad, each a page long, and one for Meg, half a page long. I give Meg her letter and put mom and dad's away. I sit down in her room and lock the door back.
"Jackie, I'm sorry to do this to you. I'm so, so, sorry! I tried to hide my attacks from you....and the bullying. You still don't know how bad it got. I'm going to spare you those details. I wished Evelyn had noticed something sooner, or had kept me in therapy. I had hidden the attacks well for a few years, but they got so much worse. I can't live with them anymore. This is my last day on Earth. I don't want to die, I want to feel better, but I can't. Goodbye. I think you'll be with me soon, but please, hold on. Try to recover. I know having Bipolar is hard, but don't do what I'm about to do. I know I'm being hypocritical, but I can't go on!! I'm sorry you can't have kids. I'm sorry dad did this to us. Tell Evelyn I don't blame her because I know how much she will. I tried to be subtle, while telling her about the soon to be death of me. Don't forget to remember me. I'll always be near. Please, try not to grief too much. I know I'm asking a lot because we're twins, but please, don't dwell on me. Move on and focus on getting back to life. Don't let Evelyn come to my funeral or viewing, she doesn't need to. I'll miss you, but I'll still see you. I love you, forever and always. Don't dwell on me, don't hurt yourself, don't try to kills yourself again. I understand of you do, but don't because I need you alive. Don't let mom or dad grief, they don't deserve to. Don't let Meg dwell on me forever. You were always my best friend. Don't let the school be in crisis mode, nobody cared about me there. I can only think of one person......my home room teacher........I wrote her a letter also, give it to her. Go back to school by next week. I can't see you tear yourself apart. It's time for me to go now. Goodbye sissy!!! By the time you find me I've been dead for about an hour or more. Goodbye." it reads. I'm crying so hard.
I hear Meg crying from reading her letter. "Evelyn wants to see you in twenty minutes. Get in the car." Meg says, sniffling. I get in the car, exhausted beyond believe. I walk into Evelyn's office, the letter Olivia wrote her in my hand. I have mine also. I sit down and I instantly begin apologizing. I don't even know what I'm saying. "Shh.........I know you didn't mean it sweetie." Evelyn says softly. I cry harder and hand her her letter. She gasps. "She left a letter?" she asks. "Several. A main letter then letters to people. She thought this through so well! She thinks I'll die soon." I whisper. "Let me read my letter. I'll read it aloud." Evelyn says. "Evelyn, I tried to tell you, but I was afraid, so I hinted at it. You didn't really pick up on it. Don't blame yourself, it was a long shot. I didn't really think you would know what to say. It was a stupid fear. I'm sorry I lied to you about my attacks so long ago. I'm sorry for doing this even when I was supposed to be getting better. Don't let Jackie kill herself. Put her in the hospital of you have to. Just keep her alive. I don't think she'll live much longer though. Make her make her last few years, or months, or weeks, or days, or hours, or minutes, or seconds last!! She can't die so soon. Make her live. Thank you for doing as much as you could. I know you tried. I'm so very alone. I'm going to be gone soon. I'm so sad and afraid. I can't keep living with these attacks. I can't live with depression and fear. I'm going to see God soon. I'm going to watch over you from the clouds above. Sorry this note is so unpoetic. You've probably read a lot better, but I'm just writing to say don't blame yourself, don't waste time going to my viewing or funeral, and thank you for trying. Not even the best psychologist could save me(you tried). Thanks for wasting so much time on me. Goodbye." Evelyn reads out loud. I'm still crying.
"She really thinks I'm going to die." I whisper. Evelyn nods. "Let's prove her wrong." Evelyn whispers. I nod. "Promise you will tell me the very second you want to die?" Evelyn asks. "The very second. I won't drop hints, I'll say it plain and simple." I promise. "I'm going to the viewing and funeral, she can tell me not to, but I'm going ." Evelyn says. I nod and leave.