Jacqueline's Lesson In (Failed) Recovery

Therapy: Try Two

"Get your butt in the car!!" Mom says, as I lay in bed. I get up, feeling terrified. "Last time, I had a panic attack and I got mad at her and ran out. She probably hates me!!" I explain. Olivia hugs me. "Do you want me in there with you, to kinda let her know if she's pushing you too far?" Olivia asks. I nod. We get to the therapy center thirty minutes
later. "Is Evelyn ready for Jackie?" Mom asks. The receptionist nods. Me and Olivia go back, ignoring the receptionist's orders for her to wait. Olivia knocks. "Oh, hi. Who are you?" Evelyn asks. "Jackie's sister. She wanted me back so I can kind of let you know if you're.....overwhelming her." Olivia explains. Evelyn looks a little offended, but she doesn't argue.
"How're you feeling, Jackie?" she asks. "Sc-scared." I answer. "Why?" Evelyn asks. "I hate therapy....I'm afraid of how you react to what I tell you." I answer softly. Evelyn looks down before looking at Olivia. "Your reactions are a bit.....exaggerated and they make her uncomfortable." Olivia explains. Evelyn nods and looks at me. "When did you last self-harm?" she asks. "The first day I had therapy with you was the first time I ever did it." I answer. Evelyn nods. "How're the cuts?" she asks. "They're fine." I mumble. "How do you feel right now? Name one emotion." Evelyn instructs minutes later.
"Stupid." I answer. "Why?" Evelyn asks. "I want to be happy, but I focus on how I feel too much and I'm left feeling like an idiot." I explain. She doesn't know that Dad hits me and neither does Olivia or Mom. I can't tell her or anyone else. I cake on make-up, hoping no one sees the marks. "Why do you feel like an idiot?" Evelyn asks, trying to be patient with me. I feel my heart start pounding. I lick my lips. I gasp slightly, trying to calm down. "You're overwhelming her. She's having an anxiety attack." Olivia warns. Evelyn smiles. "Calm down honey. You're okay. I promise you're safe." Evelyn says gently. I cry softly, not wanting to anger anyone.
"You can express your self. I'm used to feelings and emotions and I can help you handle them if you let me." Evelyn reassures me. "How about you write her a poem real quick? It's always easier for you to write in this state than speak." Olivia suggests. Evelyn hands me a piece of paper and a pen. I write a poem quickly. I'm not thinking, just letting words flow from my hand onto paper. I hand it to Evelyn, who reads it carefully. "That's a great poem and it's very insightful. I understand you feel like your emotions are going to annoy me, but I promise, emotions are just fine in this room, around me and Olivia." Evelyn explains. Olivia nods. "Promise me something......promise me you'll try." Evelyn says, sounding emotionally connected. I nod and wipe my face. "Thanks sweetie, you won't be trying alone. I want to start something. I think family based therapy would be good for you, but not your whole family. I just want you and Olivia, she seems to be almost like a caregiver." Evelyn explains. Olivia smiles and nods. I shrug, I guess Evelyn can try whatever she wants.
"I'll see you next time." Evelyn says. "When should she go back to school?" Olivia asks. "Umm......I think home bound for a few months might be best, but she can try to go back in next week at the earliest, but only a half day and I would really prefer home bound instruction for her for two months, then slow integration back into life." Evelyn answers. I sigh. "I'll try to convince our parents to apply for home bound, but I'm worried that there might be a mental evaluation by the school counselor. Jackie has tried to talk to her before and it got worse. I hope you can just sign off and she'll have a week or two more off to get therapy going, get everything under control, and just get...normal, but I have a feeling this will be complicated." Olivia sighs. Evelyn smiles reassuringly as we walk out.
Mom is waiting impatiently. "Did it cure you?" she asks. That remark angers me, but Olivia puts a hand on my arm, trying to calm me down a little. "No, I'm not curable, I'm in treatment to reach recovery or management." I answer calmly. Mom rolls her eyes. I bite my lip until I taste blood. I stop and sit in the back with Olivia. "Next time Evelyn wants to try family based therapy with me and Olivia, she thinks since I'm basically a caregiver its a good idea. Also, go to the school, we need to apply for homebound education." Olivia says. Mom doesn't argue.
"I need to apply for homebound instruction." I say softly. "What's been going on?" the receptionist asks. "I have Bipolar Disorder and right now, I'm in rigorous therapy for a depressive state, I just can't bring myself to come to school. Who do we need to see about that?" I answer, only because I know the receptionist well. "Sadly, the school counselor. You have to go through a mental health evaluation and file the paper work. Good luck." she says, rolling her eyes. I sigh and Olivia guides us down the halls.
"Ms. Emma, my sister needs to apply for homebound instruction because of mental health problems." Olivia says, naturally taking the lead. I lean on my sister, frowning. "Of course! Jacqueline, let's fill out the papers and go through the evaluation. Olivia, wait outside with your mother." the counselor says. I step into the office and stand by the window. "Have a seat." Ms. Emma says. I sit and look at the paper work for homebound instruction. It looks to be short and to the point. "Fill in your name, grade, home room teacher, exploratories, extra-curricular activities, birth date, today's date, reason for application, and then we'll continue." she says, handing me a colorful pen. I write quickly, in cursive. I hand it over and look down, my long blonde bangs fall into my face. I push them back and straighten my bun.
"This is a mental health evaluation since the reason for application is mental health based. It's very simple and is meant to see if you really are in mental health crisis. Okay?" Ms. Emma asks. I shake my head. "Just please call my psychologist." I say. Ms. Emma shakes her head. "Against the rules." she says. I groan and stand up to pace. "Are you suicidal?" she asks. I shrug. "Kind of." I answer. "Have you hurt yourself?" she asks. I nod. "Do you feel depressed and like nothing will get better?" Ms. Emma asks. I nod. "Do you fear your problems?" she asks. I nod. "Are you in rigorous therapy for a mental disorder?" she asks. I nod. "Do you have Bipolar or any other severe disorder that effects your life?" Ms. Emma asks, sounding bored. I nod. "Which?" she asks. "Severe Bipolar Disorder." I answer. "Therapist's name?" she asks. "Evelyn, she works with her own private firm." I answer. Ms. Emma looks shocked. "I know her, she's my cousin. I'll text her and get her to confirm this and you'll be required to come to school until it's been confirmed you can't function." she says, texting Evelyn. "She confirmed everything and said that you can't return to try to function until next week. I'll review this with the committee and we'll let you know if you have six months homebound." Ms. Emma says, opening the door. I leave, turning red with anger. We leave, me getting very worked up. I run to the bathroom and cut.
I go to my room and throw things, screaming and crying. I hate my life!! I hate these break downs!!! Why can't I die!!!!!!?????? Nobody ever notices these break downs, but Olivia notices this one. She pins me to the bed firmly, talking soothingly to me as I sob from so much anger. I thrash around and scream, not thinking rationally. "Mom!!!!!" Olivia screams as I try to break free of her. My mom takes one look and she goes as white as a sheet. Something is very wrong.